Last week at this time, I was subsisting on slimy yellow jello and icky chicky chicken broth to prepare me for what I'd be forced to drink later that evening.. a jug of salted pool water, but I think I'd volunteer for a colonoscopy every day for the rest of my life(if I had the lifespan of a fruit fly) rather than face today's ordeal, which was obtaining a Real ID.
"You''ll need it instead your passport!" said Jim with great enthusiasm. "It'll make travel so much
easier!"
Um..it won't, because I will be detained at every travel destination.. every port, , because my Real ID photo makes me look like a meth head, and I don't care, because it was the third attempt to take a decent photo, and if I had to be in that building one more second, I was going to explode.
My current passport is nice and almost flattering.
My Real ID photo will frighten children.
Once I realized that the inconvenience would go beyond a ten minute wait on line, only to reach the window of a manicured maniac, only to be humiliated by having to fill out my entire application all over again because for "middle name" wrote "Randi, " which IS my middle name
. (if they wanted just the initial, they should have said so!) and I was told the wait would be approximately ninety minutes.
I was thinking about never leaving home again, never going on another vacation if it meant we didn't have to stay at the DMV, but we decided to wait, and I decided I'd better freshen up if I wanted a decent photo.
I pulled out the only lipstick I had in my purse..fire engine red that I've probably had since junior high.
I wanted to tweeze some stray white chin hairs too, but A) that's kind of gross to do in public and B) Jim assured me that it's not stray hairs that will send those who gaze at my photo into cardiac arrest.
We finally heard our number called, "Y-O-56!" and I shouted "Bingo!" and approached the stressed out employee's station.
After filling out tons of additional paperwork, (I wanted to tell him that I only drive like four different places, and haven't even done that in over a year) he ordered me to stand on the foot cutouts for a picture.
"Take off your glasses," he ordered. 'And don't show teeth!"
Well..the first photo looked like my right eyeball was trying to break out of its socket and start a war with the left eyeball, so I agreed to a reshoot.
"Separate those bangs..they cover your eyebrows!" and I obeyed, even 'though the photo made me look like Alfalfa from "The Little Rascals" if he just did a line of coke, but screw it..
Call me Alfalfa and get me out of there.
I'll take my chances, even 'though I know I'll face drug charges when we're in Mexico for my birthday next winter.
I better learn Spanish.
Which I'll have to do anyway, because my crazy neighbor attacked our Hispanic lawn guys this morning while they were blowing leaves and a few strays wound up on her property..
They tried to explain to her that "it's from the wind" but she was having none of this, hurling racial slurs at "El Stupidos!" which is ironic, because she violates limb encroachment laws every summer, flooding our pool and pool filter with leaves from her tree(which she pronounces as "twee") as she refuses to let us do any trimming.
Jim texted them an apology immediately, and they responded "we're used to this."
Really? They're used to.. abuse?
Her husband almost killed me last July, because he's crazy and old and fell off a ladder he had no business being on, insisting that he could take care of household repairs himself, like cleaning gutters with a hose.
I was on a pool float, singing Broadway show tunes with my mouth open, when the toxic contents of those gutters were accidentally hosed off..right into my mouth and eventually into my gut.
(It tasted better than the lemon jello in case you were wondering)
