Karen calm down.. Bar mitzvah version

Does anyone but me have Delta on her mind?

(Yes, I realize there's irony in that question..The theme song to "Designing Women" is "Georgia on My Mind"--and the show starred Delta Burke)

I am worried about the upcoming holidays with this variant.  

WE'LL be entertaining  OUTDOORS with fully vaccinated people, but will everyone follow suit?

I am just worried.

And to take my mind off of worrying, I will write a post/blog about..worrying.

Exactly thirteen years ago today, almost exactly a half a lifetime ago for Evan, we celebrated his bar mitzvah on a Sunday afternoon, in  a service called a Rosh Kodesh, arranged  for the convenience of some of our religious family members who we wanted to see up on that dance floor, something they could not do on the  actual Sabbath. 

While most of the extended friends  and family were anticipating the big event with excitement, I was filled with dread, worse-case scenario-ing myself into a tizzy, something I always do before something important, like a long-planned vacation or a milestone celebration.

Oh..the things that went through my crazy little mind that day:

(all thirteen of them)

1) Will my disgruntled next door neighbor, who was excluded from this event because she was being such a Category Five a-hole regarding her  limb encroachment that screwed up our pool vacuum, take revenge by spilling a bucket of bright yellow paint all over my ivory dress?

2)  Will there be an actual  Category Five hurricane?

3) Will someone kick the bucket?  The figurative one, without the yellow paint?

4) Will a pregnant teen give birth  in the bathroom like she had at her senior  prom just a few years earlier, even 'though this  venue had long cleaned up the mess and started anew with a new name and a new reputation?  

5)  Will there be a pregnant teen there anyway, who breaks the news to her parents right before Evan is about to chant his Torah portion? 

6) Will my hairdresser fail to show up, leaving it up to me to make myself look..not like myself..on my own?

7) Will the videographer totally screw up, despite my weekly calls to the temple's office begging them to make sure the video is intact, and not hand us ninety minutes of..snow... and lame excuses as to why we only have..SNOW?

8) Will there BE a freak SNOWstorm in..August??

9)  Will my brother make it back from Jamaica in time, after  booking that getaway at the last minute? During a hurricane?

10) Will the talented caricaturist forget to do Evan's caricature..and then BITCH when I asked her to please mail me one afterwards?

11)  Will someone fall out of the uplifted chair during the hora dance?

12)  Will someone notice I'm not sobbing with emotion, I'm trying to stifle an inappropriate laugh because I have the emotional maturity of a ..thirteen-year-old(!!)and should not be speaking in public?

13)  Will my elderly poodle have an accident in our absence, when out-of-towners were planning to come back to our house after the party?

Okay..ONE..er..TWO.. er..a FEW..of those things actually happened, and maybe some day when I think of that big day for Evan and the Amster family, I'll ONLY remember the pleasant stuff.

Like..how you don't have to be religious per se to have faith.  You need to be a Golden Ruler, which we all still  are and always were.. 

 Even the "Karen" part of the "us."

I'll remember that while a lot of  Hebrew School students struggled, Evan had his whole portion practically memorized just days after getting it, which I'd prove to you.. if there was a videotape..

(Well..there goes the thrill of solving THAT mystery!  Show of hands..who thought it was yellow paint on my dress??)

I'll remember the excitement that Evan and his BFF Jimmy had as they tried to figure out what MLB team's name would go with what group of people at which table.

(It's funny..if Evan had to pick a theme based on interests he has in the present day, I wonder who'd be at the "Elizabeth Warren" table? The same as the cousins seated at the "Red Sox" one, I'm assuming??)

I think of all the people who kissed and made up; who I miss because I haven't seen in the flesh in thirteen years.

I'll think of my Mom's beaming face, sandwiched between her two sons as they were given their honor("aliyah")  on the bima(stage) that morning. Even with some off-key singing, she was so excited...

I think of how she strutted into the ball room for the candle lighting ceremony  that afternoon, proud as a peacock, shimmying her path to the perfect song choice:  ("It Had to Be You")

I'll think about how the sunlight hit the beautiful stained glass in the synagogue in the perfect way, making it even more beautiful than stained glass usually is, even 'though the air-conditioning didn't seem to be up to snuff.

I'll think about how many people  came up to me to compliment my appearance, saying I looked even better than I did on my wedding day, which was nineteen years..and fifty-something pounds lighter..ago!

I'll think about how so many of Evan's non-Jewish friends stayed perfectly still in the sanctuary that day, afraid to make a wrong move, yet making some really impressive moves on the dance floor later that afternoon. ..especially when the staff brought out the display of Baked Alaska.

I'll think of all those Evan trivia questions that the emcee  quizzed everyone on, and how much Dylan knew about the friend he grew up with right next door,  raised practically as brothers. He took the top prize, as he usually does.

I'll think of Yogi Berra quotes on t-shirts, and I'll wonder whatever happened to mine, which I lost on the day I got it.

There really are some wonderful memories, captured by the competent videographer who filmed the party of our special day.

I invested so much emotionally and financially in that day..expecting everything to go off without a hitch, knowing it would not.

How would someone like me have ever survived what people who planned weddings and bar mitzvahs for the Spring of 2020 had to endure?  Cancellations with virtually no notice?

I think it might have driven me so crazy that I would have splattered bright yellow paint  all over my beautiful ivory gown.

Wishing you all a happy new year a week in advance...

Wear your masks, socially distance, and let's try to kick some Delta butt together.

CODA.. not the musical term..

GIVE a gal a REMOTE CONTROL and she'll watch things like the local news or insipid old game shows for maybe a half hour

SHOW a gal how to USE  that hidden-in-the-cushions FIRE STICK ( hidden along with loose coins and old dog biscuits and foreign strands of hair) and she'll watch TV all morning, including what is arguably her favorite movie of 2021.

Yes, I'm paying homage to  the famous "give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day" adage, which should give you a hint about  what my favorite movie of 2021 is.  (thus far)

I did some real ugly crying, that matched my really  ugly cowlicked bangs, during "CODA", a wonderful movie set in a FISHING village in Gloucester, Massachusetts.

Despite my ridiculously flowery description of my ugly crying, this is the feel-good movie of the year.

I wasn't crying..YOU were crying.

Sometimes crying DOES feel good...and this movie was just terrific, even when it was being predictable, which was at times.

Smart, funny dialogue,  beautiful cinematography, and outstanding performances, especially Emilia Jones as Ruby Rossi, the film's protagonist.

You'll see disgusting fish guts and you'll hear beautiful music, and then you'll thank me for recommending this gem of a movie.

Hoping it hears  the "Sound of MeDal"..as in GOLD..during Oscar season..

Karen complaining 5eva..

This day started like all my days do this time of year:  I spent it sulking.

I'm sulking because there was absolutely nothing worth doing today.

I did NOT want to go back  into a dirty pool.

I did not want to try to read more pages of my boring book.

I did my exercises and they were done by 10:00 AM--my MIND exercises, via cryptograms and puzzles. 

 That's the only  daily exercise I get.

(Besides exercises in futility, like trying to get friends together.)

(Besides  pool exercises, in my backyard cesspool..)

(That's even too "Karen" for me..it's fine.  It's clean.  The pool's  fine and clean enough. I'm just being a bitch)

I'm not getting much business, so I decided to relax and watch some of the must-see shows I've been missing.

And then I remembered, I can't watch "Peacock" or "Hulu" without that credit card!!

I was hoping some Las Vegas stripper would steal "James Amster's" cash and dignity when THIS happened:

FedEx rang the bell with an envelope that contained the new credit card!

So Jim worked and worked and upgraded and upgraded while I thought of various painful scenarios that could and should befall the imposter in Vegas, when he tells me:  "OK..you can watch TV.  The credit card is working"

I grab my Combos and my iced tea and prop my feet up.  I'm ready for fun when he says to me, "what did you do with the fire stick?"

What did I DO with the fire stick??

I barely know what it is, why would I  be the one to lose it?

He then dangles me with, "well..you're all good to watch and the credit card is cleared, but you can't get back to your show until we find that fire stick"

It was August, 2020 all over again, when the impossible to pronounce hurricane Isaiah/Isiasis messed with our cable and we couldn't get those last crucial 17.34 minutes of "Unbelievable."

"I did not misplace that fire stick..You are the gadget guy who loses things all the time, not me."

So he searched.  He searched the TV room, the bathroom, the laundry basket, the clothes he wore last night, the bathroom again, and nope..no fire stick.

He finally says, "I'll have to order a new one.  You've waited this long, what's a few more days?"

That was NOT going to cut it!

I'm already waiting for the pool vaccum to be fixed!

I'm already waiting for anti-vaxxers to wake up.

I'm already waiting for the news that our anniversary trip to someplace warm and tropical has to be postponed because the anti-vaxxers did not , in fact, wake up.

I was not going to wait anymore, so Jim dug through cushions like he was Luke looking for a Milkbone he had buried in them last year and guess what he found??

A quarter.  Some stray hairs that didn't belong to any of us.

And..the fire stick.

Look, you know and I know how I get when I'm talking "Must-See-TV"

I swooned for "Schmigadoon"

Had side-splitting laugh attacks for "Hacks"

Said, "you can quote us.."The White Lotus" is da' bomb!"

(OK, I didn't say that last one, or any of them, but I'm on a  poetic roll)

"Girls5Eva" is more than clev-ah...

 It is the MOST "must" of all of them.

You MUST see this.

Don't do what I did..watch the first few episodes two months ago, when you were dead tired and couldn't concentrate, so you stopped, but then  you decided to give it another try because your dirty pool couldn't be vacuumed because the vacuum is in the shop, and some knucklehead is pretending to be your husband in Nevada.

I watched it again, and I could watch it again and again and again and again, because the credit card was good  and the streaming is streaming again and the fire stick was found.

The cameos, the costumes, the comedic gold of Renee Elise Goldberry!

Yes, I've said that before, but this is laugh at every single uttered line funny, especially when those lines are  pouring out of the mouths of Paula Pell and Busy Phillips.

Big, hard, belly laughs that leave you gasping for air.

It is fantastic, and it deserved a lot more Emmy love than it got.

I am now heading out to the bug juice  pit in my back yard for some exercise and to heal my split sides.

And as I type this, Jim just yelled down the most romantic thing he's ever said to me in the almost thirty-four years of knowing him.

He said, "The pool store called and the  vacuum is ready to be picked up!"

How lucky am I?

(

That Karen

Yes, I'm going to be  THAT Karen in my" THAT Karen"  update of the day:

I want to go in the pool. 

 I NEED to go in the pool, but it's got so many berries in it that it's basically a couple thousand gallons of FRUIT juice, thanks to my neighbor's tree...(or as she would pronounce it, "twee")

You can see the tree from two blocks away.

From two towns away.

But you don't dare ask her to do anything about it. 

 I've been there, done that.

 I'd rather deal with the berries than the sound of her  grating voice.

 It's got twigs, leaves, berries, and bugs..(hey..it's BUG JUICE!!) and the vacuum cleaner doesn't work. 

 It is waiting for a diagnosis at the pool store. 

And if the diagnosis comes soon, like within the next hour or so,  we may not be able to pick it up. 

 (we call our Polaris pool vacuum "Steve"..I have no idea why) 

IF Steve is OK and ready to come home, he may have have to wait, because we can't pay the bill at the pool store  because of the NINE THOUSAND DOLLAR credit card  bill Jim racked  up at a Vegas Hotel earlier this week , plus all  that money he spent at that Pep Boys in Vegas..

..which...

.... he OBVIOUSLY didn't  'effin' DO!!

So because he's a victim of credit card fraud, I have to swim in fruity bug juice. 

 (I  admittedly get kind of a perverse  kick out of the panicked bugs as they use leaves as flotation devices)

I'll jump in and I'll be a good sport about it and pretend it's a lake.

I've been neglecting my Kindle(except for that FABULOUS Mia McKenzie book, "Skye Falling") and I'm just not digging what I'm 

 now half-way through,  Emily Layden's "All Girls"....

It is well-written, I guess, but there are way too many characters and I'm not investing anything in any of them

It's OK, and I will try to finish "All Girls" today because..I have no choice.

I HAVE to go into that pool and read SOMETHING  poolside.

Oh, and  speaking of "All Girls"

..I would have been perfectly content to stay in my air-conditioned house and catch up on the all-girl(or mostly all-girl) cast of "Girls5Eva"

I started it a few weeks back, resumed it today, and was laughing like a hyena every time Busy Philipps or Paula Pell opened their mouths. 

It is a great show, but Peacock won't let me watch more than three episodes without paying for them, which I'm willing to do, except ...

...that butt hole in Vegas has Jim's credit card!!!!

..which we need to  order more episodes!!

The Peacock and pool problems will be fixed shortly, I know that.

OK Karen..shut up and go do  your pool exercises.

Or as everyone in my family  constantly reminds me with this,  the inspiration for those t-shirts that made us  celebrities during our Woodloch vacation last month,

"Karen..calm down!!"

Karen… calm down!

I am peeved at DELTA Burke..

and a Flintstone, namely FRED

These icons make me go berserk...

(okay, it's in my HEAD..)

one's a deadly virus strain..

 the other's causing rain..

And because I am a Karen..

it's my JOB now to complain...

With so much on the calendar!

(Planned eating like a vulture!)

I wonder..will these things occur?

Shall  I blame CANCEL culture?

there's chaos in Afghanistan!

Poor Biden's taking heat..

I'm fearful of the Taliban

and neighbors on my street

Is EVERYTHING on hold right now?

Should I believe my ears?

or everything I'm told right now?

will this go on... for years??

It seems we all saw tunnel light

but now..it's HARD to see it..

will anything I plan go right??

If not..well..then..so be it!

can my guys take that baseball trip?

will they get on that plane?

can anti-vaxxers maybe flip

so I won't go insane?

I know, I know..I must clam down..

perhaps I'll get a waxing..

perhaps I'll binge on Netflix flicks..

or schedule some relaxing...

but those who know me well must know

I don't do "calm"..I'm frantic!!

Perhaps I'll pack a bag and go

jump into  the Atlantic...

Delta, white lotus and small gatherings

THANK YOU, lovers of excellent TV, who have recommended "White Lotus."

THANK YOU in advance, said lovers, for NOT posting spoilers because we've only watched the first two OUTSTANDING episodes.

I've come to the conclusion that I much prefer character-driven stories to plots with  lots of repetitious action.

  I'd rather watch two people having a stimulating conversation than two dragons  having a sword fight on an airport tarmac.

But I worry..I worry that these stimulating conversationalists might morph into duds who talk about returning tea towels to Target.

Like  they would in  real life.

But  I don't think is going to happen with "White Lotus"

I'm also reading an excellent book, "Falling Skye" by Mia McKenzie.  It's laugh-out-loud hilarious, and it's set in Philly..

..which makes me a little sad that some of my Philly friends can't make next week's reunion, which we starting planning in April, because of Delta variant concerns.

It's bumming me out, but small crowds work too..as we discovered yesterday by spending the day with some wonderful friends who love a warm pool, a warm burger, and  warm hospitality as much as we do.

Happy "Rest of the Summer" to all my Facebook friends and yes, I'm hearing those annoying strains of "The Party's Over" too..like I do when we're shoved out of a banquet hall after the last dance.

It was a good summer, it really was.

At least..compared to last year

With apologies to the late great Helen Reddy:

Delta strain/you are driving us insane/you shouldn't be  this hard to contain/you should not thrive /I chose (to) cooperate/just like those who vaccinate/it's time that we all get back to our lives...

Ooh! Ooh!

for all the fans of Toody and Muldoon..c'mon..you KNOW this song, so sing along...

Insurrection's in the  news/

Cuomo's getting lotsa heat/

Ron DeSantis is a moron/

will this Delta strain repeat??/

Will  those Trump thugs get their trials??/

is there hope for Simone Biles?/

DAMN,  RANDY RAINBOW.!!..WHERE ARE YOU???!!

SNL: the musical

I have probably watched "The Sound of Music" three dozen times.

 I was that obnoxious  know-it-all when our tour group did the "Sound of Music Experience" in Salzburg in 2018, sharing little known facts like "Christopher Plummer was bummed when little Gretl gained all that weight from weiner schnitzel, and he still had to carry her up a mountain"

I know every scene and every lyric penned by Oscar Hammerstein.

One of my favorite scenes has always been the one where Maria Von Trapp sits on that mountain, takes out her guitar, and teaches some very eager music students the basics of singing.

And now, I can never hear "Do-Re-Mi" again, as I'll only hear Cecily Strong using a very similar melody and persona to sing about...

....vaginas.

"Schmigadoon" is freaking hilarious!!!

We're all caught up with the available episodes, and  tonight, we were laughing like hyenas who just smoked a ton of quality  weed.

I can't believe I used to audition for musicals that are being lampooned here--when my young lungs weren't yet  damaged by second hand smoke--when camp  counselors knew I was never going to be able to jump into the deep end of the pool without causing major panic among the lifeguards, nor would I ever be able to kick a ball, thus I was cast in musicals, even 'though  I could neither dance nor act.

OMG..did our parents really watch musicals from the Golden Era?

Did we??

Of course we did--that's why we love Randy Rainbow so much and want to be him.

But even if you're not a fan of musicals, you will love this fish-out-of-water story. 

 (Or is the plural fishes out of waters?)

It doesn't matter.

What matters is this:

We cannot wait to return to "Schmigadoon!"