And behind door number one..

The Karen Chronicles: Chapter Two: So then this happens.  (It actually happens before we checked our Newark-bound luggage but I am on a roll and can't fact check my own facts) As we're waiting in line to check in that uncheckable canvas bag(and  the two real suitcases) an agent that looked like Paul Rudd approached us. He says: "Mr. and Mrs. Amster..one of you will be checking in at the gate at 10:00..the other must check in at 9:30 for a special security search." Karenoia ran amok, as I was convinced that watch peddler from Pisa was his relative, event 'though the agent looked like Paul Rudd and the peddler looked like Tito Jackson if Tito Jackson's mouth had only one tooth in it. An enormous man behind me says:  "I have way over two million frequent flyer miles and I'm telling you right now, United is the WORST airline in the world and the worst for plus sized passengers.  Did you know they are making the seats smaller and making them ten across instead of nine?"  I answer, "did you know I'm about to board United?  Do you know if  they have a morgue on the plane?" Jim has his wits about him much more than I do, so he accompanies me to the security desk at 9:30 AM. Nobody from security is there and we were told to wait for an intercom announcement.  The announcement never came, so at 9:45, Jim says to me"Well..I guess you don't need that special security check after all."  A woman a few seats ahead says "Oh, that is still happening..the group already left!"  I SWEAR, there was NO announcement!  So we go back to the post and Paul Rudd shows up, all apologetic.  I wish I had videotaped the following but you are just going to have to trust me.  Paul Rudd says to me, "you, Karen Amster, may choose from any of these three bags you see before you.  Pick any one of them.  I will wait."  I feel like contestants feel on "Let's Make a Deal" and  I weigh my options:  A) Jim's backpack, which contained electronic gadgets that I could never identify should there be a pop  quiz. B) the red white and blue canvas bag, which SHOULD be in the cargo  underneath us now because it contains liquids!!  And I  haggled for it in Maine! C) my every day pocketbook which contains as much crap as a clogged toilet on the Royal Caribbean Brilliance of the Seas. (Not just a malfunctioning hairbrush and a notebook and pen to capture dysfunctionality, ala my traveling pocketbook) but the whole shebang.  I choose door number..er..option number three. I am escorted away..very far away from Jim. Paul Rudd just asked me to pick a bag..he never told me to bring a passport or boarding pass.  Nobody from the cruise is in this holding area, but then again, there were 2,500 passengers and 800 crew members aboard so I might have missed a face or two.  I follow an elderly gentleman because he seemed to be Newark bound and he looked like a  competent babysitter for me.  His name is coincidentally Paul, a retired welder who grew up outside of Philly but now lives in..oh, you couldn't possibly care about his background but you will care that Paul and I are seated in what looked like a doctor's waiting room in front of an eerie curtain.  Agents are coming out wearing gloves.  I am thinking, "everything  had better be sterilized if MY anal probe follows a retired welder's." A scary looking gloved woman calls me and takes me behind the curtain and asks for my passport.  I tell her:  "My husband has that.  He(I point to Paul Rudd) told me to choose between three bags so I did."  Paul Rudd owns up to his goof and races to find Jim who had my boarding pass and passport.  Now, you have to remember that I forgot to wear deodorant and was scared to death, so I started to take off my shirt.  The probers are snickering..I bet they thought with the lack of deodorant and the removing of my shirt I was preparing for my annual mammogram, which I get in February in NEW JERSEY, but this IS breast cancer awareness month, and also, I AM bat shit crazy.  So when they stop snickering, the gloved lady tells me to keep my shirt on and to stand up for a pat down.  She even touched my still-blistered-but-healing feet.  Afterward, she rifles through my pocketbook and x-rays it. I knew the most dangerous thing in there was mints I stole from Woodloch about four years ago, and apparently she did too, because in what seemed like a good forty minutes later, I was  fully clothed and reunited with my husband. So now I gotta probe(pun intended) my faithful readers and ask them if this is the most outrageous story I've shared this week. Or does it run neck and neck with the rash covered Parkway who gave Jim a lap dance in the hot tub??  Or..was it something else entirely?  Spill people, spill!

Luggage tales..

Greetings from the air, halfway across the Atlantic Ocean. It is costing me seventeen dollars to tell you this story.  I have time.  You have patience. We both could use a laugh, especially my friends in Florida. Oh, Facebook friends..dear Facebook friends..I am so not done with you yet.  Wait'll you get a load of this one. Take a deep breath and let's begin.  Even when departing the Royal Caribbean Brilliance of the Seas, life is never smooth sailing for we Amsters. And it shouldn't be. I decided to wear clothing more than once on this trip(and have laundry done for me) just to avoid packing another large suitcase.  I wanted my second suitcase, the one I needed to live out of for those two days in Barcelona to be small but heavy..something I could check in eventually.  And it was a piece of cake doing just that when departing Newark thirteen days ago. Let me tell you a little bit of history about my canvas red, white, and blue striped bag.  I saw it in an adorable shop in Ogunquit Maine in the early 90's, hanging from a ceiling hook.  The clerk saw me looking up and I asked her the price.  She said something like "Sixty dollars and I can get it down for you." I thought she was haggling so I asked her" how much?" She was embarrassed by her faux pas and gave me twenty dollars off of the bag, and she was not treated as a victim of Pit Bull Karen. Okay, that's enough history on the bag that was almost history. This bag, now containing dirty underwear and full unopened bottles of liquids(which was fine because it was never intended to be my carry on) did not make it to the luggage carousel. Jim decided to walk a mile or so to the end of the terminal to file a missing luggage report, and I am freaking out, wondering what was in there in addition to the dirty underwear.  I have now typed the phrase "dirty underwear" twice in one blog, I suddenly spot the bag but lose Jim..he's too far away to hear me.  So he returns, fifteen minutes later with that missing luggage report. I bark at him.  "There's that bag..go fetch it!" So he does..he runs another mile and then has to go back to cancel the lost luggage claim. Once again, we are the last people to board, earning every dirty look we got from people who needed to be at that airport on time. Oh, before I forget..I ran into Gloria before this disaster and I hugged her goodbye and  I said, "you know who you look like?" and before I could answer she says"Michelle Obama.  Everyone tells me that." Jim insists on taking a picture that you will never see unless Gloria accepts my Facebook request.  I packed everything--including multiple hair brushes, make up, and even deodorant stupidly in the large suitcase. I neither looked or smelled too pretty, so you have to wait to see Gloria. Guess who else I see at the airport?  Anita, my seat mate through the bus tour of Tuscany.  Turns out she spells it A-N-E-I-T-A but pronounces it the common way and you will not believe what her last name is until she accepts my Facebook request as proof. Her name is Anita(sp) Buss.  Anita Buss is what the Italian security guard called out to her co-worker when we followed Laurel and her floral shirt and wound up in that seaport instead of on the bus to Tuscany.  Bob and Laurel wound up on our airplane too, and yes, we followed  them but don't fret..we ARE Newark bound, but I wonder why our friends from Iowa and Minnesota are as well. We got to check our luggage and guess what?  They want to charge one hundred dollars for that damn red white and blue bag!  I haggled for nothing with that lady in Maine so Jim says "screw it, I'll carry it."  His shoulder is very achy..and don't forget, it was filled with no dos like full shampoo and creme rinse. This is going to take two parts but will be so worth it.  This is something that could only happen to us.

My big fat Greek vacation..

And NOW I gotta pen the bookend to the beginning in Barcelona. Blog, bathe, bitch..and pack.  I doubt I'll have too much to say after the evening activities anyway..I'd write the show "was fantastic" because it will be.  The onion soup was to die for!(Because it will be) But unless the cast of the "Before" trilogy show up in a non-fictional way, I am writing my last European blog..and confessing what a douche I am.  ANTHONY!!  His name is ANTHONY, not EBONY! I am so damn deaf!! I couldn't hear Hines even when it was just the four of us in an elevator! And I only found this out when we joined the husband Michael for trivia today and I asked"where is Ebony?" and he answered "who is Ebony?" I am an IDIOT..but I finally placed who he looks like, and it's the singer Pharell. I just saw a movie on a moving ship because I could.  And before anyone tells me they despise me, let's have full disclosure here:  As much as I enjoyed "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when in came out in 2002, I  also agreed with the critic from "Entertainment Weekly" who put it on the Year's Worst list, saying it was a movie "everyone's grandmother would love."  Maybe if I hadn't read that review I wouldn't have agreed with it, because I did laugh at the original movie.. (Probably because it had the word "fat" in the title)  I gotta tell you about this movie going experience.  Yes, the movie was contrived and forced and predictable and dumb.  I don't like watching contrived humor, I only like  putting  it out  there myself.  But the experience was something else.  The movie was in English..with English subtitles. It was so damn weird!  The audience was over ninety percent American(or so it seemed) but these subtitles explained things that should be universal.  Like ("horn honking!") or, as a character is cooking meat, "Sound of cooking meat!"  Or..(my person favorite, when the guy takes out the Windex, which was a running and overdone gag from the original movie) "Sprays Windex!" There must be another word for this than "subtitles"..I just can't think of it.  Oh, and guess what part didn't have subtitles??  The stuff spoken in Greek!!  I was in Greece for maybe eight hours total  and all I know how to translate is "baklava" and maybe "Ola"..If they're going through all the trouble to subtitle "Toula coughs" when we can clearly hear her coughing, couldn't they translate those few lines that were in Greek with something other than " spoken in Greek?" OK...these are the things I am taking away from the trip.  I will limit it to ten things. 1) I hate heat, crowds, and vendors 2) I was so totally mistaken with all my pre-conceived notions of what a sight-seeing vacation is..obnoxiously so.. 3) I should have never been told there is a morgue on the ship 4) I'm as crazy as the watch vendor accused me of being 5) I am capable of much more physical activity than I thought I was walking..six miles a day! 6) Jim is the perfect lid to my insane pot 7) There is no way to accurately describe the blueness of water 8) The sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" wasn't as bad as critics said it was 9) I clean up nice 10) This really was, as everyone said it would be, the trip of a lifetime.  Thanks for all your comments.  As long as they keep coming, I'll keep writing! Love, Karen!

Bring them home..

Where we going? Barcelona! Oh..flight 18! It's a little too early to write the last chapter of this blog that's become a book, so I'll assume it's the penultimate chapter, because you know we're magnets for wackos and we'll probably meet a lot of them on this last day at sea.  And I guarantee someone on board is blogging this exact sentiment with US in mind. I worry so much about getting home because of all that DAMN STUFF I RECORDED AND WILL NEVER GET TO WATCH!! Wow, thanks to my wonderful cousin Nancy Gorewitz Cohn, who encouraged me to journal in the first place, who took a similar trip to this one last year, and most of all, told me that even when I'm angry I'm entertaining.  (Is that true, Nancy?  I can never tell)  So if you've liked my blog, thank Nancy and if you didn't, she lives in Florida so go find her and tell her off. My back spasms have stopped!! My vertigo is under control! My intestinal disorder is TMI! My rash is..well..scary as a Trump presidency but it doesn't really itch anymore. So my luck on the last day, I get an 'elfin' head  cold!! Congestion and coughing and why am I bothering??  Does anyone care about my physical health?  Mental yes, because that can affect blog commentary..I am fine.  Let's move on.  The show was spectacular last night and since this blog is turning into somewhat of a confessional, I cried a little..I missed my Mom so much  because she would have LOVED this one.  It was another salute to Broadway but this time it was all shows we've seen and loved, like "Chorus Line" and "Phantom." And anytime a gifted tenor does "Les Miz" I am weak at the knees. Especially "Bring Him Home." After dinner, we hooked up with Gloria again. (She is stunning! I didn't notice it at first in the hot tub with the Aussie kids.  I only notice rashes in hot tubs, ala Parkway's)  But she is..so Michelle Obama!! And thanks to her, we won something very useful in the Michael  Jackson Name That Tune Game--Royal Caribbean tote bags.  It'll be very useful since our luggage has to go in the hall tonight, tagged and ready(and yes, only someone like me will worry that a 90 pound suitcase will be stolen!!) but the tote bag will be great for the dirty stuff we'll do tonight.  OMG..I'm not even going to attempt to reword that! (I meant, of course, it'll hold the clothes I'll wear after luggage  pick up and the nightgown I'll sleep in tonight) Gloria actually won it for our team because there was a tie, and the winner was determined by a dance off.  She's not only beautiful but that girl can move! I will miss Dr. Kevin and Melinda..he is a walking CNN recap..I get all my news from him.  I'll even miss Duncan and Hines, but I see them so rarely that I forget what they look like.  We may see a movie just to say that we did.  "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" is playing at 4:00--it's supposedly a mediocre sequel to  the blockbuster but now that I've been to Greece I want to see it.  (Not that I'd recognize any scenery--I don't think it takes place in Greece-- but I haven't seen it yet so no spoilers) It's going to be hard to get back to reality.  I wonder if Jim can master the art of making animals out of towels once we're back in NJ?

Feeling the Blue Grotto..

Mid afternoon break and I was about to share with you how skippable Malta is..until the second part of the trip. Our first stop was yet another tourist trap of shops and ships, of me sitting on a bench swatting flies and giving the evil eye to smokers and occasionally looking up from my notes to nod and say, "yes, those fishing boats are pretty." Our guide sounded like Rosie from "The Jetsons" and had more hair under her arm than I have on my head, but I will not be mean because she was very pleasant with her discussion of figs, carob trees, citrus, prickly pears, oleander..I was writing as fast as I could and none of it was legible.  She called Malta the diving capital of the world, second only to Egypt and said the sea is filled with..either dolphins or orphans, hearing is not my most acute sense. Because I am a very high maintenance beyotch, I waited on the bus with the other octogenarians and became my old cynical self, all I did was swat flies all morning, blah blah blah.  I then become totally pre-occupied with a sign on the bus:  "No Food. No Drinks. No Ice Cream."  And I spent a good ten minutes trying to figure out what "ice cream" was if it wasn't food or drink. All I knew coming into this trip about Malta was Maltese Falcons and Matipoo dogs, like the one Jessica Simpson had that was devoured by a coyote. But then..oh then..Malta turned into paradise. (Finally, a new word instead of "breathtaking") We waited in line on a very steep ramp but Rosie from "The Jetsons" assured us we could take a cab back for one euro each..We almost killed the cabbie and his cab but I'm not going to dwell on that,  ("Dead battery, my foot!") We pile into these tiny boats, eight at a time, and we were told we were about to enter the Blue Grotto.  I am the only dork on board, therefore, the only one singing "It's a Small World" but then I shut up because everyone shut up.  I didn't get names, home towns, or even check for unusual skins rashes of any of my seat mates on the boat.  With the exception of trying to get in and out of the rocky little boat(and trying and eventually failing to put on a life jacket) Jim and I experienced what I thought was the best part of the trip so far.  We explored cool caves and the ocean breezes calmed me down.  I have officially run out of synonyms for "blue" so let me try to explain the water...Oh, I can't..Think of Sky-Blue popsicles and lime green jello shots and visible white sand underneath..if you think of that, you'll experience what we just did. I had my bathing suit on..I have no idea why I just didn't go in he water like so many on our tour did but I was fine.  I was a little humiliated about almost killing the cabbie and the cab, but I got over it and had mint chocolate gelato.  I am now safely on the ship, waiting for Barcelona.  But if you want, I'll blog some more later.

Trivia day.. With a parkway detour..

I was way too tired to blog last night, or to participate in "The Quest" which sounds an awful lot like Woodloch's Scavenger Hunt. (For instance:  Players had to run around looking for someone who had a SeaPass with the name "Richard" on it, so the wacky emcee named Tornado Tanya could say "There are only two Dicks in the house  tonight." ) We are still enjoying the company of Dr. Kevin and Melinda but it's very weird sitting in our semi circle, the four of us at a table for ten.  We're not exactly running out of things to talk about(last night's dinner table topic: "cremation") but..well..maybe we need some fresh faces other than Duncan and Hines. We are getting ready to explore a cave in Malta(and no, that's not a sexual euphemism) but now we're  convinced we're both coming home in body bags.  Don't worry about Evan being an orphan--he never reads the blog.  It all started yesterday when I rubbed my itchy left foot with my right and everything popped.  So I guess it was blisters after all..itchy ones on the TOP of my feet.  Never happened to me--or anyone--before. It's our first kind of drizzly day, and Jim and I decide to go to the hot tub.  The only ones in there were two beautiful Italian women with a combined weight of about..half of me..so we had lots of room and tons to say.  We look up to see THIS coming into the hot tub:  An elderly man, with white hair, a bit of a gut, big yellow teeth..and a  bright red rash covering every visible square inch of his body.  Alert people would have immediately left that hot tub, which wasn't really hot enough to kill anything like communicable diseases..  At first, Jim is laughing it off, whispering to me "There goes  your Patient Zero" but it wasn't all that funny.  (Well it was because it's making the blog but give me a sec)  I know I use a lot of real names so blog readers can get to know this cast of characters. I cannot use his name.  It is very unusual and he is an attorney so if this blog gets into the wrong hands(which it will not..nobody's sharing except that awesome Terri Seiple,) I will be in..(here we go Ro..my one forced joke of the day) ..hot water. Let's just call him Parkway, because he has the same  unusual first name as a famous Parkway in New England. Parkway looks at us and says "L'Shana Tova!" I have no idea how he knew we're still kind of Jewish, especially since we've gone to church/casinos and mosques this week.  So there he is, covered with rashes and a cough that sounded like he has very advanced TB.  He is a brilliant attorney and his cases(and real name) have been in a lot of magazines,  You have heard of the trials he's worked on but I'm not saying any more than that.  He was so fascinating, but he kept inching closer and closer to us with every fascinating story. There were plenty of seats in that hot tub, but he kept shimmying in, getting inches away from Jim, actually getting skin to skin at times.  I, of course, have the emotional maturity of an eight year old so I am trying to suppress a laugh and a cough.  Jim will not let me be rude(that ship has sailed) but how could I not laugh when Parkway(Patient Zero) was practically giving Jim a lap dance, while entertaining us thoroughly with tales of what it's like to have known some OJ lawyers on a first name basis.? It rained some more so we got out of the hot tub and Jim is ordering me not to laugh.  I decided to go to the next event(Trivia, where you had to ID photos of anyone from William Shakespeare to Lewis and Clark--Dr. Kevin was on our team so we won hats) in a damp bathing suit and cover up, but Jim said he wanted to go back to the room and change..and then added " and to take a bath in Purell" I think I woke up everyone on this floor with my violent cough. (I have taken more meds on this trip than I have all year..Naprosyn, Immodium, Ibuprofen, Benadryl, blister cream, and of course, a lot of meth from our lab before we left) but I am a walking health crisis.  Neither of us have flushed all week(in the middle of the night--we DO during the day..we are not  donkeys in Santorini!) because we don't want to awaken those poor bastards who have the misfortune to be our neighbors, and then Parkway exposes us to TB anyway. The show was TERRIFIC last night--there were many Elton John numbers(Jim's favorite singer) and the show was followed by a round of 80's music trivia.  Our team captain was Gloria from the hot tub(whom I met a few days ago and  before Patient Zero got in it) You remember Gloria who entertained a bunch of Aussie kids with me..the LA nurse who wouldn't watch the OJ series?  She is BEAUTIFUL..I noticed it on formal night.  She looks  and dresses like Michelle Obama. I want to be on her team again tonight when the theme is "Michael Jackson."  That is, if I'm not quarantined.  More after Malta!

Serving our country with distinction..

Day Nine: a Day at Sea.  And our first clogged toilet. (I'm willing to bet the problem didn't start in a neighboring stateroom) I did my pool exercises and said a prayer..that Bubonic Plague is not contagious. Trivia with Sally and Badger from the UK was kind of fun, but "Watson" himself might not know how many times the word "blood" is mentioned in "MacBeth"(42) or the exact height of the original Barbie. (11 and a half inches) I earned our team some points with my anagramming skills(anyone want to take a stab at "moon starer?") and I knew the sinking time of the Titanic because I've watched that movie about as often as I've registered a complaint in this travel journal, which means obviously more than once. I meet Jennifer and Tara from North Carolina. They are into leather. Tara talked a Turk(ooh!  tongue twister but it ends here) into selling her a leather jacket and even with custom tailoring she spent $110 euros. Jennifer talked about someone she knew from a bar that bought a wife from Malta or something like that. I probably have talked to all the 2,500 persons on this ship, or will  have talked with them by the time you read this CNN headline: "A mysterious case of an unidentifiable disease that manifests itself as bulbous bubbles on major limbs has baffled local medical experts, resulting in a quarantine for the entire crew and passengers  aboard the Royal Caribbean Brilliance".: So then this happens:  Jim attends a lecture about what to expect in Malta and I seek sun. A nice old lady in a motorized vehicle  parks next to me, poolside.  Her name, of course, is Betty, and she is from Illinois. I ask her how she's enjoying the trip and she looks at me like I'm a rabid pit bull. She asks if I've been paying attention to what's happening onboard.  (She is asking the wrong person) She asked if I felt the ship "turn around" in Italy. No, I had not but I mistake churches for casinos. OK..this part is NOT funny.. Betty's 66 year old daughter had a heart attack on board and was sent to some remote hospital in Italy(her 61 year old sister accompanied her) and there has been no communication with the staff that only speak Italian..  Betty mentioned something about a stent. Friends are helping Betty as is the wonderful staff on this ship. I shook her hand and told her I admired her bravery, and don't hesitate to ask me for help next time she runs into me with anything. (Because I'm sure she'd like some photos of my eyeball) OK..that's enough sadness..Betty and her girls will be fine, I think.  We run into honeymooning husbands Michael and Ebony and as soon as I found out they were honeymooners from Kentucky I broke the ice with a "f*ck that Kim Davis!" line.  They are apparently celebs here having stolen the show at the Newlywed-type game we missed the other night but caught later on TV.  They were talking about how much they loved Santorini(everyone did) when a woman with a thick accent butts right into us, mid-conversation and says:  "We took that donkey and thought the last tender was at six, not four, so we made everyone late."  She then walks away. as though she had merely asked us to direct her to the bar. Oh, before I forget, does anyone know what "spermology" is? It's a good "trivia" question but that's your only hint.  We then go to lunch and we're seated with..Betty, poor thing.  Her daughter's a cardiac patient in Italy and then she gets stuck with me again.  So we sit at the far end of the table.  With Jeremy and Ashley from Sacramento. Jermey has tattoos.  Many many tattoos.  I'm talking to Jim as an aside, saying that Jennifer and Tara said they liked their third deck stateroom because there is less seasickness, and Jeremy politely corrects me.  He says:  "I am an ex Marine and the truth is, it's the higher decks that cause nausea."  Jim asks where he has served and it was in Iraq, the Battle of Fallujah, , where he came face to face with a Suicide Bomber in 2004 but he didn't want to discuss his disability because life goes on.  I couldn't see the disability and I know he and Ashley walked about eight times as much as we did.  And then,,I don't know what got into me and Jim was afraid I was going to ask an ex-Marine who is now a COP the same thing you're all afraid I'd ask, but ask I did:  "So what do you think of the election?"  What do YOU think he thought??  Jim made me swear to be nice in this part of the blog because this man got injured protecting  us and our country, so I'll be nice. Jermey says:  "I don't care who wins as long as it's not (expletive deleted) Hillary."  Jim is begging me(with his eyes) to nip this in the bud so I did..I let him talk about Benghazi and "how Trump will run the country like he runs his businesses" and I just nodded and ate my teriyaki chicken.  I have no business baiting anyone, yet alone California cops who are ex-Marines with many many tattoos..

Medicine is the best medicine..

See?  If you open your mind you'll discover you really enjoy things you didn't think you would.  Last night's entertainment was a violinist. I have some issues with violins since I played it as a kid, and my friend's cats would scale the curtains in absolute fear just from the first three notes..  Also, the bus driver would yell things like "they have to bring the violins TODAY?" but even with all that trauma,I can say that real violinists are wonderful.  At least Hannah was.  She made me openly weep when she played the haunting tones from John Williams' "Schindler's List."  After the performance, Jim and I went to yet another music trivia night,  this one having 70's disco theme.  We got a score of nineteen out of thirty--not bad considering we wrote down "Donna Summer" for almost every artist.  Jim was stoned through the disco era and I spent it trying to find myself, so we weren't exactly the Bee Gees. We met Dr. Kevin and Melinda for another wonderful meal. (Duncan and Hines were no shows again..they were unprepared for 70's night and forgot  their afro wigs and bell bottoms, I guess) Dr. Kevin told us about their day in Santorini, where they ventured out on their own and took the cable car to the top of the mountain..and walked down.  He said the worst part of descending the nearly 500 steps at the end of the day was all the donkey crap on the steps.  Considering how many human beings were dumb enough to walk UP those 500-plus steps(and they were wide so there were many foot  steps between the steps) I'm guessing that some of those droppings weren't from donkeys. Santorini was a wonderful excursion, especially if you like wine and "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" but it's not a trip I'd recommend if you're not big on donkey dung. My Walking Pharmacy of a husband just left for the gym while I enjoy blogging and catching up on my Kindle from our balcony. (Jim is a Walking Pharmacy what with the crystal meth, and Ibuprofen, and DayQuil, and Aloe Vera, and (borrowed) Naprosyn(for back spasms) and (borrowed) Benadryl for foot blisters..and Immodium, and I am NOT going to put into an open blog that someone in this cabin needed Immodium, because someone in this cabin does not want to be quarantined. Since it's a slow morning(I'm usually rushing like the mad woman I am to capture the day's events in the few spare moments we have between tightly scheduled activities) I really should thank Christine Cherry Hommel for planning this trip, my Facebook friends for sharing it with me, and Jim for not taking no for an answer after two decades of begging me to come to Europe.  I will say mea culpa for all my misconceptions..This really has been the trip of a lifetime that everyone promised it would be.  (I don't know why I'm writing this like a final chapter--we still have Malta tomorrow--exploring caves by boat but it's 600 yards of walking uneven baby steps to get there!) but I can really go full stream of consciousness with this free time. And maybe this is a good time to say the three most important words I can say today..or ever.."Next stop, Woodloch!"

The sisterhood of the traveling Amsters..

I love taking excursions with wacko senior citizens.  They love to talk, and they love to tell you stories about how they left Chicago but instead of winding up in our departure destination, Barcelona, they landed in London and their luggage went to Houston and one guy from their group didn't get his stuff until we were in Turkey. I imagine my blog reads the same way but that won't stop me. Waking up in Santorini is a wake up call of a lifetime. Blue waters(why do I keep saying that?  Of course it's blue!) huge mountains(there I go again) and a shining white city atop of the mountain. (There ya go..there's  my original thought) We took a long and winding road and our somewhat robotic guide told us that the village of Oia was so isolated that babies couldn't even be delivered there..women in labor had to take a thirty five minute helicopter ride to Athens.  So I guess it wasn't the time to ask her if there was a doctor who specialized in blisters. The guide was OK, I don't know why I'm complaining.  She sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher, but then again, most guides do. The closer we got to the city the more beautiful it was.  Every building is white with blue roofs that blended in so beautifully with the Mediterranean background. We discover that "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" was filmed in this very location. And please don't be jealous Lexi Seitchik. (Lexi is my favorite of all my friend's kids, and she expressed some envy that I was going to Greece, especially because of this movie. ) You should not be jealous Lexi, because: 1) You wouldn't mistake a renowned piece of architecture for a sandcastle 2) you wouldn't think you were going into a casino when it was clearly a church 3) you have neither back spasms or cowlick hair 4) you didn't have to tour Tuscany with a stranger from Iowa because you followed a hick in a floral blouse to the wrong bus 5) you didn't have to boast about a grandfather who fought in the Spanish Civil War because yours did not, I met him 6) You were never obsessed with the concept of morgues on a ship 7) you never woke up the dead, ala the occupant of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier when YOU were ten and couldn't bear the heat 8) You can get into high bath tubs 9) you didn't turn into a pit bull when someone outside the Tower of Pisa tried to peddle a watch that you actually needed and finally, number 10) You would actually SAMPLE all the free wine at the winery tour.  So don't be envious Lex. You don't want to be me and have to worry about the meth lab business every day. Back to the trip..wow, is Santorini gorgeous!!  It is so gorgeous("How Gorgeous is it?") that Trump would allow it to work at his golf course.  (That's for you, BFF..my one stupid joke of the day) The panoramic views were like nothing you've ever seen before. And they were so high up they reached the sky. We could have taken a donkey up or down but I am an animal lover.  If you'll recall, I felt sorry for the stray dogs who sat on a bench with me in front of the Acropolis, and for that fly that will never see his kids again.  So therefore, I was not going to make a donkey carry me uphill for a measly carrot. A professional dancer on this cruise ship once walked DOWN and injured dancing muscles and was out of work for days.  I was not going to torture a poor donkey just so Jim could get his damn photo op. The people on my trip were very nice but they did tend to scream a lot every time the driver made those sharp turns on that steep mountain road. They have never driven with me, this was nothing. After taking some pics we went to a winery with an even prettier view.  Jim loved the white wine..and the olives and grapes and cheese.  I loved the A/C. We had to walk up many steps(I am going to lose your attention if I keep bitching about that..it's a small price to pay for this fantastic vacation) and had to take a cable car down..over the mountains and the ocean! It was quite thrilling..Tomorrow is a day at sea and then our last stop is Monday in Malta.  And as long as you keep reading, I'll keep writing.

Burn baby burn..

Greetings from beautiful Santorini Greece!  I am so looking forward to drinking in this beautiful place.  I should watch how I phrase things..I think I said the same thing about Tuscany--I don't literally mean "drinking"..I mean "taking in." (So why didn't I say that?  I have no idea) I'm looking forward to seeing anything but my bubble wrapped feet. OK, I wasn't going to say anything but because I was thinking this actually could be leprocy, I went to the ship's doctor. He didn't ask me what I weigh because I'm assuming he wants to live. He looked at my feet and said it looked like second degree burns.    Weirdly, he, the doctor,  diagnosed  me with sunburn.  I've had a million sunburns during my beach obsessed life, but none that resulted in itchy blisters.  I wish I weren't so vain because if I weren't, I would have let Jim video me trying to get into that thigh high shower with my foot wrapped in a plastic bag, But I'm OK, I really am.  I survived back spasms and heat stroke and getting verbally assaulted by a watch peddler in Pisa, so I can beat a few little bumps in the road.  I wound up discussing this with Dr. Kevin after all, even knowing how he feels about feet.  He assured me I won't be quarantined and to just watch that it doesn't get worse. He is on vacation--the dinner table conversation really needed to be about something other than my gross feet, but it quickly turned to current events, and I think most of America would agree that the election is more disgusting than my bubonic plague. Duncan and Hines showed up and I still can't hear her. at all. I wanted to include them, I really did, but I didn't feel right asking Hines if she had any foot issues, so I told her that her rosy sun-kissed cheeks matched her pink blouse.  She roared with laughter like I am Amy Schumer!  I don't know..I'm oblivious.  Maybe that WAS the funniest observation I made all week. We played a game called Majority Rules after dinner ..our team were these adorable husbands from Kentucky, Michael(who looked just like Ross the Intern) and Ebony. (who did not) They are from Kentucky and I'm betting neither are a fan of Kim Davis. The show was spectacular..tango dancers with an Argentinian theme,  I will post more after the tour..