I care a lot about getting out of the house

Guess what cuckoo bird was finally released from her cage today?

It was only  to go to the dentist. 

 I didn't even know cuckoo birds had teeth.

But it felt GREAT being in that chair, being poked with sharp instruments and practically water-boarded with the minty  rinses.

Because I got OUT, and I have the smile to prove it, and I could unmask while getting that smile.

Wish there was a cure this good for Covid hair. A cure that didn't require being masked for two hours.

Once I tasted freedom, I wanted more..more..MORE!

Which I got, when we went to a real restaurant at an insanely early hour. The hour senior citizens go, which we basically are, although you wouldn't know it from what I ordered.

I ordered something a cave man would eat in hibernation, but it was delivered by a waiter!   On a real plate. With a real beverage served in a glass.

The freedom was great while it lasted, but then it was time to pay a visit to our local cinema, formerly known as our den, or in my case, because of my eating habits that I don't apologize for, our cave.

Our first selection was "Minari" and it was a very satisfying family drama, although I still couldn't tell you what "Minari" is--some kind of medicinal herb that Koreans use in stews and soups.

Something that a caveman/cave woman would not digest.

I'm getting a little overwhelmed by all these movies about poor people and their big loving hearts.  Last week, it was nomads in vans and this week, immigrants in rural Arkansas, and in both movies, how uncanny is this, characters talked about using buckets as toilets out of necessity.

Made this Karen really appreciate her bidets.

That's right.  I said it.  Bidets, as in plural. As in I have more than one bidet in this house.  I need to shut up.

"Minari" seems slow and boring, like "Nomadland" often did,  but I really loved it.  The performances were outstanding.

Since we did our early bird special for dinner, Jim agreed to a double feature for the entertainment leg of date night..

Our second movie was if Thelma and Louise got all coked up and decided to rip off some key elements of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

(OMG..I said "cuckoo" again-- for the third time in this blog!)

I cared a lot at first, but then "I Care a Lot" turned into a boring, confusing mess.

Rosamund Pike's character made the one she played in "Gone Girl" look like Maria Von Trapp.

Too much violence, too much contrived plot lines with holes as big as the Arkansas farm in "Minari"..and way too pretentious for this old lady.

(Which, ironically, was what drew me to the movie in the first place--I expected a black comedy about unscrupulous folks who rip off naive old ladies)

Going to take my nice self and nice polished  teeth to bed soon.

Next stop:  "The Golden Globes."

I will so miss our traditional viewing with dear friends, but I am eager to watch Amy and Tina rip anyone apart who deserves it.

Oh..and best of all on this day:

My yak looks like a poodle again! 

 The groomer deserves every accolade thrown her way

I’m no nomad

I'm a strange bird--and the first to admit it.

Seems like all I do on Facebook these days is complain about the virus, and how isolated I am because of it, and how I fear I'll never venture outside again.

Tonight, after watching "Nomadland", I'm not sure I want to.

I LOVE my house!

It's big!

It has kitchen facilities!

I do my business in a warm bathroom, with a bidet!  That shoots warm water!

 The only time I need a bucket is for..is for absolutely nothing.!

 I don't need buckets!!

I have fresh linens on my bed..and fresh food that yeah, I might be sick of eating and tired of the required meal planning, but I am grateful that I'm not Frances McDormand and I'm not living in a VAN!

A van I'd be too scared to drive on deserted roads.

The movie is very slow paced and although it seems like nothing happens, everything happens.

Against beautiful backdrops of the West.

It feels like a documentary(and a lot of non-actors are used) and it really makes you grateful for that roof over your head.

Frances McDormand is favored to win her third Best Actress Oscar--richly deserved, too, although I personally would give it to Carey Mulligan for "Promising Young Woman" which is still my favorite movie of the year.

It astounds me how people in this country are forced to live, often not by choice.

 I thought I was poor as a single woman working crap jobs and sharing an apartment with my BFF, but that was not poor.

Poor is what  was in the movie tonight.

Time to count my blessings.

One..two..three..ten thousand..twenty thousand...

David E Kelley and ice cream cake

as much as I'm loving all the like clicks and comments on Jim's pic of a generic Carvel ice cream cake, (wouldn't it be a hoot if someone actually wrote, "ugh..that looks awful?")  let's talk turkey and save those clicks and comments for something more substantial, something more meaty than a food photo.

(Although I do want to thank everyone who took the time to read "The Phone Call Revisited" despite its length.  Your feedback meant a lot, especially from those of you who can relate and who feel the need to talk with a deceased loved one)

The vignette was emotional to write, and it took a lot more time to do it than  it would to write a Valentine's Day message on a store-bought cake, but, I understand, as  one is easier to digest than the other.

Let's talk TV..

"This is Us" was particularly good last night, but only a fellow TV geek would notice Toby's list in the parking lot of potential middle names for new daughter Hayley. 

 Sure, we all guessed he'd eventually settle on "Rose" after meeting the man who owned the parking space, but Toby's note pad listed tons of names that tied into that OTHER tear-jerker, the 80's-90's version of "This is Us."

The episode was directed by Ken Olin, whom I'm assuming is no longer "30something" but Toby's list had names like Roxy, (Ken's daughter") and Patti(his wife--"Patricia Wettig, "Nancy" from that show)  and a few others, but the examples have already left my brain.

I noticed the archaic name "Maxine"..and will assume that's the matriarch in Ken's family???

Although I found it amusing that Randall was taken aback a little upon learning his new niece was given the old-lady name of "Frances", especially because the writer of last night's episode was Vera Herbert, and" Vera", you're not exactly Hadyn or Dakota yourself, are you?

"Black-ish" and "mixed-ish" had outstanding episodes once again--those writers never pen a false note.  Or an unfunny one.

And are we, Jim and I,  the only couch potatoes who couldn't take our eyes off the screen--or sleep afterwards--from watching "Big Sky?"

How could something be so clever and so disturbing at the same time?

(Which, by the way, would be a flattering and awesome way to describe my blog)

SPOILER ALERT:  Will we ever find out if John Carrroll Lynch was faking it?  Maybe in the future,   like Jerry Seinfeld did when Elaine Benes revealed some hurtful truths about his bedroom skills?

THE REAL SPOILER ALERT:  ("Bad Ronald" is not working alone. As a grammar nerd, I know you're not supposed to use quotation marks for emphasis, but I bet David E. Kelley remembers that obscure made-for-TV movie too, where Scott Jacoby's character hid creepily in the walls of the family home he was stalking, and that's how THIS creepy Ronald got his name)

I'm guessing Ronald's cohort is the guy who is the self-proclaimed gun fan, the one giving Jerri refuge.

We have to wait until April for a plausible explanation as to how Ronald got that tanker undetected, but if David E. Kelley can convince us that a corpse can drive a Tesla, he can do anything.

And he has.

Notorious RZB.. The phone call revisited.

"The Phone Call--Revisited"

The Time:  Morning-Present Day

The Place: ????

Fade In

ACT I SCENE I

WE HEAR THE RINGING OF A TELEPHONE, MOST LIKELY A ROTARY MODEL, AS "KAREN" (AKA "ME"), SIXTIES, DISHEVELED, RUSHES IN TO ANSWER ON THE FIFTH RING

ME:  (A LITTLE BREATHLESS) Hello?

MOM: What's wrong? Why'd it take you so long to answer?

ME: Nothing's wrong!  My God! We talk..what is it..once a year?  You've been gone for SEVEN years, and you STILL insist something's wrong, even 'though you're not here to see it?

MOM:  I SENSE it.  I SENSE it in my bones. (BEAT) Thank God I wasn't cremated.

ME: Everything is totally fine Mom. (BEAT) Although..maybe that's not exactly totally true

MOM:  I KNEW it.  You can't hide anything from me, Karen Randi!'

ME: OK..NOW you can use both names.  I don't know how much news you get where you are, but some racist ruined the "Karen" part.

MOM:  So I was right!  Something IS wrong.  (BEAT) You and Jim had a fight..

ME:  Why is that your go to place?  Couples fight--we're a couple. He leaves shoes all over the house: I leave lights on in rooms I'm not in.  We have words. We get over it

MOM:  So if you're not mad at Jim..then who?

ME: No one!  (BEAT) Everyone.  I'm in a funky pandemic funk. I do nothing but tell callers from a company called "Exotic Birds" that I don't care what they think about renewing my credit card. I sort junk mail, I try to get rid of unwanted spam on the computer and unwanted spam in the refrigerator.  And unwanted hair everywhere. I can't even do my job--singers can't sing when they're masked. 

MOM: That doesn't sound great.

ME:  Jim works from the upstairs office while I am isolated.  I haven't even driven a car in months.

MOM:  I lived that way for thirty seven years. (BEAT) How's Evan?

ME: He's doing great.  Moved out last spring. Doing well professionally and socially.

MOM: That kid never liked me.

ME:  Not true.  You're the grandparent he remembers. He thinks about you and cracks up.

MOM: But I always had trouble talking to him

ME: That's 'cause you didn't try

MOM:  He only wanted to talk about sports. I knew nothing about sports.

ME:  True..but you watched the news every day.  You read the PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER every day. Don't you remember that time I told you to study up?  That this would be a good thing to talk to Evan about? All the coverage about that player on the Philadelphia Eagles football team and all that controversy?

MOM:  I remember this.  I couldn't say his name. 

ME:  I know you couldn't.  That's why I coached you. You didn't HAVE to remember"Terrell Owens", nobody called him that. (BEAT)  Remember how I instructed you to just ask about "T.O.?" and that Evan would do all the talking? 

MOM:  Sorta...

ME:  I told you, "all you have to say when you get into the car is, "Evan..what do you think about T.O?  T.O..T.O..T.O...

Mom:  Isn't that what I said?

Me:  Nope..you got in the car and said, "Tell me your opinion about "O.T."

MOM: Oh yeah..

ME:  I miss family vacations.  Like the ones in Maine and Virginia Beach.

MOM:  I don't. I'd always get constipated.

ME: Don't they have bidets where you are?  They solve every geriatric issue, including that

MOM:  I don't like to talk about BM..

ME:..Oh..come on!

MOM:  I don't know if they have bidets. We're like the house on "The Brady Bunch."  We have showers--and sinks with mirrors if you need to brush your hair one hundred times daily--(BEAT) Some of the yentas from my building wound up here.  Some still have hair. And they love to talk about Carmella.

ME:  I'll assume you mean Kamala Harris, our new Vice President

MOM:  Yes, Carmella.  I like her.  She's pretty.

ME:  You'd LOVE her because of who she is, not what she looks like.

MOM:  I read all about her. She married a Jew who was bar mitzvahed the same place Evan was. (BEAT)  I hope Doug Emhoff wound up with more than one hour of blank tape.

ME:  Yeah..on days like this I'd love to see that video.  You were like a glittery peacock, beaming on that bima with your two sons.

MOM:  Oh..and while we're on the subject of famous Jews..guess who I ran into last week?  Here's your hint:  She's short. She's sassy.  She's Jewish.

ME:  That could be anyone--including you

MOM: She was at a JOWLS event

ME:  JOWLS?

MOM: "Jews: Our Women Love Sass"--that's right, Karen Randi, I met the notorious RZB!

ME:  RGB?

MOM:  That's what I said! 

ME:  No you didn't but never mind..if you know her, I have a pretty good feeling about where you are.

MOM:  I want to bedazzle her collar with butterflies and daisies

ME:  Of course you do

Mom:  Wanna hear my poem that I wrote about her?  (BEAT) "There once lived a gal on The Court/So fair and so brilliant and short!/We'll never forget/every challenge she met/that was faced with a clever retort.

ME:  I like it, Mom!  I also found out that her mother's maiden name was Amster!

Mom:  Where's you hear that?  My Face?  Intercourse?

ME:  Facebook.  Internet.

MOM:  I'll ask her if there's a family link. Aunt Ruby and I are going with her to the opera next week

ME:  Wow..you're lucky!

MOM:  I'm lucky that I'm not on your planet anymore?

ME:  You're lucky that you can still go to the opera with other spirits. You probably have musicals, and plays, and comedy shows..Football stadiums for Dad

MOM:  Where he can watch "T.O." play..see??  I KNEW I knew it!

ME:  We have none of those things anymore.

MOM:  Well darling daughter..why aren't you doing something about this?  You should be getting ready for the time that audiences come back.  You need to buckle down and WRITE

ME:  I know

MOM: And lose weight

ME:  I know

MOM: And call your family more

ME: I know

MOM:  And exercise something other than that mouth of yours.

ME:  I know

MOM:  And turn off lights when you leave a room.  It aggravates Jim

ME:  I know

MOM:  And you have to do something with your hair.  It's so wild now you can scrub pans with it.  And do something with those eyebrows.

ME: I know. (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Next year, she's getting the same old same old.  The " I can't believe it's been eight years ! cliche

ME:  And why are you spending so much money on books you don't read?  You need to eat more kale

ME:  I know

MOM:  I KNOW you know..you need to..

ME:  I'm hanging up now.  Send my regards to RBG..Speak to you next year.

FADE TO BLACK