Clerks 3: quite alarming

You know you're in for an unforgettable evening when you sit down to pee right before the movie starts, and you hear a woman's yelling, "FUCK!!" as you briefly wonder if the fate that once befell you in the same  neighboring stall will happen to the curser, that is, the door falling on her while she was doing her business(!!) but the yeller just simply asked, "who the fuck leaves a single french fry in the middle of a toilet?"

You know it'll be interesting because you're seeing "Clerks 3" which was  shot just about five miles south of the theater you're going to, and you have plenty of time, since it's 7:06 PM and the movie starts at 7:00, and if you know anything about this movie theater, you know the popcorn is great and there's at least twenty minutes of previews.

So we're looking for our seats, and I see Jay and Silent Bob on the screen, and I wonder if this is a trailer for the yet unmade "Clerks IV", and then it dawned on me that I needed to yell at my husband for not checking the times carefully.

Which I didn't, thank goodness, because the times were right. 

 There just weren't trailers since this was the opening weekend of a film shot locally, and yes,  it would have been nice to be told that ahead of time.

Once I stopped fretting about missing the opening six minutes("I Bet That's Where They Showed the Butler Doing It!")  I spent at least triple that time trying to adjust the dials on my recliner seat.

A character is giving a speech about the existence of God(that's not a spoiler alert because I'm not going to tell you how the film dialogue went from there) but I am  going to tell you what REALLY happened next, in real--not "reel"--life.

The houselights come up, the audience groans, and we are instructed to look for the nearest exit and leave as quickly as possible.  

We are in the fourth row, Row D, when Jim starts making his way to the back of the theater--the one with thirty-something rows behind us--knowing that I was still trying to figure my way out of the chair, knowing, having walked on hilly cobblestone streets with me in Rome, that an inchworm could make it to that exit faster than I could.

We take the exit closest to the screen, navigating the dark passageway until we exit into..complete darkness.

We are blinded by the lights of a Chick-fil-A and I'd rather suffer from non-existent  smoke inhalation than patronize a homophobic establishment,  so we gather on the lawn and wait for the fire department.

We wait and we wait and we wait, when someone realizes that there's a Firemen's Convention in Wildwood, some three hours away from where we were, and sure, there might be some hot abs in our future if we had the patience to wait another five hours, but..who did?

The staff tells us that the firemen are on their way, to just sit tight, to wait for complimentary tickets and to have a little patience, as our movie would resume where it left off, but NOT giving us back those six minutes most of us missed in the beginning.

I told Jim that this could only happen in a movie like "Clerks 3"..that we wouldn't experience anything like this in something with subtitles or British actors. 

I was telling Jim that casting Amy Sedaris as a surgeon dressed as a witch was inspired,  and I reminded him about the time we met Brian O'Halloran(who stars as Quik-shop owner Dante Hicks in the "Clerks" franchise) when we went to a dinner theater and saw his then girlfriend in a production of "Sylvia."

She was playing the titular dog, and I remarked that Sarah Jessica Parker was playing the same role in an off-Broadway production, and  then the girlfriend called SJP "the coolest chick ever" and launched into a dead-on impersonation of her, while Brian told us to look for "Dogma"..the next Kevin Smith helmed film that was going to be unforgettable.

"Clerks" has always been a meaningful movie to us...we saw it with Rich and Robin who called it one of the funniest and best movies ever made, especially the scene where the cat used the litter  box right in front of a customer, or when Jeff Anderson's movie rental clerk character Randal Graves rattled off the pornographic film titles to his distributor in front of a young mom and her impressionable pre-schooler.

That was the weekend we discovered we made Evan, as we were about to leave for Jim's 40th birthday party and I gave him a gift early that weekend--a lie--a lie because I promised I'd take a pregnancy test later that week, but I took it an hour before the party started, and it was positive, and I couldn't breathe a word to anyone that Evan was on his way.

A few years later, Evan would play soccer in a neighborhood league, where he was coached by Ken Clark, who had a recognizable role in "Clerks" as an orderly. 

My friend Pattiejean McTernan played the coroner..we'd discuss her experiences on set during many indoor soccer games when our sons were teammates.

Back to real time, the parking lot and grassy areas were filled with movie fans, and we coincidentally mingled with the "Clerks" aficionados and met Jennifer, who told us this was the third time she got kicked out of this theater due to a fire alarm, most likely caused by someone smoking in the bathroom. 

Jennifer was lively and sweet and funny, and she showed us a tweet she had sent to Kevin Smith, asking him if this was all his doing--if it was a publicity stunt.

(Everyone waiting agreed that this seemed like a very Clerks-ish move)

Jennifer met Kevin a few weeks ago at an event promoting the film and shared a lot of interesting stories about this very likable stoner.

We were enjoying the laughs and the camaraderie when we were given the all clear signal and made our way back to the theater.

This relatively short movie became a relatively long movie, but a hilarious and often poignant one. 

I really like these characters..I really missed them.

I highly recommend this sequel, but stay 'til the credits are over for a special treat.

Even if you don't live in central NJ like we do, you'll get a charge out of all the commentary and observations.

We had the added bonus of seeing recognizable landmarks, but we pay a price for that..the price is..we live in New Jersey.

Go see "Clerks"..you may crave a cigarette or a bottle of Coke after, but you'll be entertained for ninety--er..three hundred..memorable minutes.

“I’m glad my mom died”.. it’s a book title..

Ok. I should not be admitting that I still watch "The View."

And I certainly shouldn't be admitting that I still LIKE it, even 'though Whoopi is way too high to read the teleprompter these days, and Joy is looking more and more like a poodle who has had  too much Botox.

I watch to guess how long the new  conservative panelist will last before she's viciously consumed(uh..maybe 'til February?) and I watch to get validation for my political views, which I do, although I don't get them solely from the show. 

 I get them because I have a working brain.

So imagine my surprise when I ordered a book  exclusively because the panelists were so gaga about it.

A book I'd never read, even 'though it's on the NY Times Best Seller List, because..what the hell do I care about a Nickelodeon star on a show I've barely heard of?

That I only heard of because its star was on something else that Evan used to watch on the same network?

I am now eating those words, and reading every BRILLIANT word that drove the panelists so gaga, and trust me when I tell you(and by telling you, I mean threatening to unfriend you if you don't take this recommendation) that "I'm Glad My Mom Died", a scathing memoir by Nickeldeon actress Jennette McCurdy, is the BEST book I've read all year, even better that Jillian Medoff's "When We Were Bright and Beautiful"

The title alone was a turn off--who'd be glad their Mom died, even those of us who've had complicated relationships with our own, especially if she's deceased? 

 My Mom could drive me nuts(the only destination she'd actually drive me to) but I miss her every day.

I would not have my humor or morals or love of Broadway without her, and I certainly wouldn't have my daffiness, which she fed me in droves and in  uteri, but where would I be without my daffiness?

Where would YOU be, because you certainly wouldn't be here, reading this post, because if it didn't have daffiness, I wouldn't be writing it.

Jennette's book will have you laughing so hard that your gut will split in two. 

 She is not afraid to go there.

To go anywhere.

If you're not doubled over with laughter, you will be choking on tears as you get to share every detailed moment of her Mom's breast cancer battle.   

And as you delve into what is  shared, you may understand why the author gave the book such a provocative title.

Any fan of large, religious,  dysfunctional families will be rooting for the dysfunctional MCurdys.

It reminded me of "Running With Scissors" and almost everything that David Sedaris writes, so if you love that kind of humor, then get this little gem pronto

And remember:

"Take a little time..to enjoy "THE BOOK"

Emmy enemies

NOW who am I going to fantasize about??

Ethan Hawke's been out of my erotic dreams since the "Before" trilogy ended, (and he got so scary looking) but was quickly replaced by the late night host I considered the world's sexiest.

WTF, Jimmy Kimmel? 

 I told my Jim that this was a mistake while you were doing it. 

 The Susan Lucci/always a bridesmaid schtick wears thin after awhile, but your "while" ruined Quinta Brunson's special Emmy moment "while" she tried to give her well deserved acceptance speech over your dead body.

I'm hot for you because you're NOT a misogynist--or at least you weren't--until that stupid gag.

I haven't been this disappointed in a champion for women since Louis CK wrote that terrific script for Sarah Baker, (highlighting dating struggles of plus-sized America, which at the time was compared to what Rosa Parks did--and by legitimate commentators, not just me) and then turning around and exposing himself.

 And I don't mean exposing his empathetic soul, but  you  already knew that.

Witty, insightful, sensitive men like these guys  love women--they gotta stay in their lane.

There were some Emmy highlights for me, particularly "The White Lotus" recognition, and the award love for Jennifer Coolidge in particular.

I had zero interest in who won Best Actress in a Drama since Mandy Moore's name was egregiously not on the list, but I did note that Kelly Clarkson looked like a Supreme Court Justice as she presented the award to Zendaya, and I guess I should watch the show before I judge it.

Very annoyed with the shut out for "Better Call Saul", especially since voters were smart enough to finally nominate Rhea Seahorn for her last and only shot at the gold.

What does Bob Odenkirk have to do for attention?

  Face a painful death in a desert while being pursued by a dangerous cartel?

(OK..that one we can blame on the comb over)

I'm in the minority here when I say that as much as I like "Ted Lasso", it doesn't rope me in like other shows did, especially "Hacks" and "Abbott Elementary."

Or "Never Have I Ever" which has never been ever nominated.

(And yeah, where was the recognition for "Black-ish" in its swan song?)

Was overwhelmed by Lizzo and underwhelmed by Kenan. 

Actually depressed that Hannah Einbinder didn't win for her BRILLIANT performance, where, as Ava,  she had to read the humiliating and scathing emails she wrote about her boss--to her boss.

 (Jean Smart deserved every single accolade she got)

If you're reading this, ignore me  because it was obviously written by a ghostwriter.

I swore I was going to boycott the Emmys because of the vile "This is Us" shutout, so I didn't write a single word in any part  of this post.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

je ne sais quoi

it was nice to infuse a little sunshine into this grey and nasty day.

We drove around Monmouth County, which lost a lot of residents on 9/11, and it made me smile as we'd  pass  by all the schools and banks and municipal buildings that displayed the names of those we lost on brightly colored flags that waved with passion, despite the chill in the air and the agonizing reason why they're displayed in the first place.

We then took in a matinee of a movie that will surely make my list of the year's best.

If you liked "..And Just Like That" or especially "Emily in Paris" you're going to LOVE "Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris" and until I saw the marquee, I thought she was "Mrs. Arris" the whole time.

The trailers don't do it justice..it absolutely oozes with charm and humor and just enough drama to hold my interest.  

Everyone needs to see a feel good movie on a day like this, and this will absolutely warm the cockles of even the coldest hearts.

I never cared for fashion, but I couldn't take my eyes off of all the Christian Dior creations..each more dazzling than the frock that preceded it.

I wanted to sing "La Marseilles"  and eat some french fries and hug my french poodle while listening to the original Broadway cast of "Les Miserables" on the way home.

Thank you, Mrs. Harris, for brightening my day..my week..my month! 

Bon jour!

Let’s get trip-a-cal

it feels like much longer than a week has gone by since we got off of the ship and enjoyed our final vacation day in Seattle.

 The memories made in Alaska will last a lifetime.

I still have sea legs. 

But then again, I think I always walk that way.

Next up:  A TRIP-ical vacation.

I still  want to travel, but to a place that's warm and inviting, where I can submerge myself in turquoise waters that are fifty shades lighter than our new pool liner.

Where I can do that, and get lost in a good book while sampling gourmet local fare and meeting lots of friendly people who enjoy an exciting night life as much as we do.

We usually go away for our November anniversary, but we're pushing our trip back until December--the month between our birthdays--a month when the entire world longs for warmth and sunshine, things we'll get in abundance with any luck.

And maybe I'll get lucky and be totally unpacked from THIS trip by then