You know you're in for an unforgettable evening when you sit down to pee right before the movie starts, and you hear a woman's yelling, "FUCK!!" as you briefly wonder if the fate that once befell you in the same neighboring stall will happen to the curser, that is, the door falling on her while she was doing her business(!!) but the yeller just simply asked, "who the fuck leaves a single french fry in the middle of a toilet?"
You know it'll be interesting because you're seeing "Clerks 3" which was shot just about five miles south of the theater you're going to, and you have plenty of time, since it's 7:06 PM and the movie starts at 7:00, and if you know anything about this movie theater, you know the popcorn is great and there's at least twenty minutes of previews.
So we're looking for our seats, and I see Jay and Silent Bob on the screen, and I wonder if this is a trailer for the yet unmade "Clerks IV", and then it dawned on me that I needed to yell at my husband for not checking the times carefully.
Which I didn't, thank goodness, because the times were right.
There just weren't trailers since this was the opening weekend of a film shot locally, and yes, it would have been nice to be told that ahead of time.
Once I stopped fretting about missing the opening six minutes("I Bet That's Where They Showed the Butler Doing It!") I spent at least triple that time trying to adjust the dials on my recliner seat.
A character is giving a speech about the existence of God(that's not a spoiler alert because I'm not going to tell you how the film dialogue went from there) but I am going to tell you what REALLY happened next, in real--not "reel"--life.
The houselights come up, the audience groans, and we are instructed to look for the nearest exit and leave as quickly as possible.
We are in the fourth row, Row D, when Jim starts making his way to the back of the theater--the one with thirty-something rows behind us--knowing that I was still trying to figure my way out of the chair, knowing, having walked on hilly cobblestone streets with me in Rome, that an inchworm could make it to that exit faster than I could.
We take the exit closest to the screen, navigating the dark passageway until we exit into..complete darkness.
We are blinded by the lights of a Chick-fil-A and I'd rather suffer from non-existent smoke inhalation than patronize a homophobic establishment, so we gather on the lawn and wait for the fire department.
We wait and we wait and we wait, when someone realizes that there's a Firemen's Convention in Wildwood, some three hours away from where we were, and sure, there might be some hot abs in our future if we had the patience to wait another five hours, but..who did?
The staff tells us that the firemen are on their way, to just sit tight, to wait for complimentary tickets and to have a little patience, as our movie would resume where it left off, but NOT giving us back those six minutes most of us missed in the beginning.
I told Jim that this could only happen in a movie like "Clerks 3"..that we wouldn't experience anything like this in something with subtitles or British actors.
I was telling Jim that casting Amy Sedaris as a surgeon dressed as a witch was inspired, and I reminded him about the time we met Brian O'Halloran(who stars as Quik-shop owner Dante Hicks in the "Clerks" franchise) when we went to a dinner theater and saw his then girlfriend in a production of "Sylvia."
She was playing the titular dog, and I remarked that Sarah Jessica Parker was playing the same role in an off-Broadway production, and then the girlfriend called SJP "the coolest chick ever" and launched into a dead-on impersonation of her, while Brian told us to look for "Dogma"..the next Kevin Smith helmed film that was going to be unforgettable.
"Clerks" has always been a meaningful movie to us...we saw it with Rich and Robin who called it one of the funniest and best movies ever made, especially the scene where the cat used the litter box right in front of a customer, or when Jeff Anderson's movie rental clerk character Randal Graves rattled off the pornographic film titles to his distributor in front of a young mom and her impressionable pre-schooler.
That was the weekend we discovered we made Evan, as we were about to leave for Jim's 40th birthday party and I gave him a gift early that weekend--a lie--a lie because I promised I'd take a pregnancy test later that week, but I took it an hour before the party started, and it was positive, and I couldn't breathe a word to anyone that Evan was on his way.
A few years later, Evan would play soccer in a neighborhood league, where he was coached by Ken Clark, who had a recognizable role in "Clerks" as an orderly.
My friend Pattiejean McTernan played the coroner..we'd discuss her experiences on set during many indoor soccer games when our sons were teammates.
Back to real time, the parking lot and grassy areas were filled with movie fans, and we coincidentally mingled with the "Clerks" aficionados and met Jennifer, who told us this was the third time she got kicked out of this theater due to a fire alarm, most likely caused by someone smoking in the bathroom.
Jennifer was lively and sweet and funny, and she showed us a tweet she had sent to Kevin Smith, asking him if this was all his doing--if it was a publicity stunt.
(Everyone waiting agreed that this seemed like a very Clerks-ish move)
Jennifer met Kevin a few weeks ago at an event promoting the film and shared a lot of interesting stories about this very likable stoner.
We were enjoying the laughs and the camaraderie when we were given the all clear signal and made our way back to the theater.
This relatively short movie became a relatively long movie, but a hilarious and often poignant one.
I really like these characters..I really missed them.
I highly recommend this sequel, but stay 'til the credits are over for a special treat.
Even if you don't live in central NJ like we do, you'll get a charge out of all the commentary and observations.
We had the added bonus of seeing recognizable landmarks, but we pay a price for that..the price is..we live in New Jersey.
Go see "Clerks"..you may crave a cigarette or a bottle of Coke after, but you'll be entertained for ninety--er..three hundred..memorable minutes.
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