Blogs Burgers

Jim and I just saw something really great at the movie theater--an armed guard next to  the ticket taker.

 And a few teenagers who looked unarmed standing by all the exits with buckets of popcorn.

And name tags.

We both knew this would never stop anyone maniac with an AR15--but we're relieved to know that somebody made an ..effort...????

The movie, actually, was a laugh a minute, the full-feature version of the smartest offering on Fox and  Sunday night "Animation Domination."

Yes..I realized I used "Fox" and "smart" in the same sentence, but "The Bob's Burger Movie" was really hilarious, and you don't have to be a regular viewer to fall in love with all the wacky characters and the plot.

I've always loved the firecracker Louise,  voiced by the pistol Kristen Schaal..one of the few female voice over actresses who actually provides the voice of a female.  I love that loopy Louise Belcher  in her pink rabbit ears hat, the little feminist who probably somehow inspired those pink pussy hats we all donned in 2016.

I should like the chinless, cowlick-banged,  goofy looking, bespeckled Tina the most , since I look a lot like her, or would if she gained eighty-seven pounds, and OMG--I MUST stop bragging about my youthful beauty! I graduated high school forty nine years ago!

Very clever lyrics!   It's a cartoon..a comedy..a musical!!

 I'd expect nothing less from the "Bob's Burgers" team.  That, and clever sandwich names like Mia Hamm-burger  and Patty's Gettin' Fatty.

What a nice way to start off Memorial Day weekend--making dumb, forced jokes about our new patio, showing the hideous "before" picture with the cracked cement, quipping that it "wasn't all it's cracked up to be" or the equally bad description of the new pavers, citing that the improvement hit me like a "ton of bricks."

We got our pavers yesterday and were told not to walk on them for at least twenty-four hours, since they had to settle, and wouldn't you know it?  Luke and Jim were in total cahoots at 2:00 AM, as I was getting my Tina Belcher beauty sleep, and they decided one of them  just HAD to urinate.. outside

.So if the pavers sink by the end of the season, you heard it here first.

We couldn't use the pool(because we were not allowed to walk on the stones leading to it, unless we were both poodles with full bladders, which we are not) so we watched the first part of the George Carlin documentary on HBO, and it is terrific.  We got nostalgic, of course, but we loved how edgy his comedy was three or four decades ago--and how topical  it seems today.

The only weird part of the day was our daffy waiter at Perkins, which yeah, I know, who goes to a pancake place for dinner?

I ordered my usual--open faced hot roast  turkey sandwich with chicken noodle soup and he read it back as, "turkey soup with roast chicken?"

I politely cleared up his confusion, and then he returns, asking me to repeat the order, which I did.

Five minutes later, he comes back and(if you don't believe this part, ask Jim) and says, "so wait..you're telling me you want an ENTIRE roasted turkey??  Like..at Thanksgiving?"

Like..would that actually be on the menu..on Memorial Day weekend??  

Would he bring a baster and a carving knife to the table?? A vat of candied yams??

I corrected him again, and Jim shakes his head and says to me, "you're not getting your soup" and he was right.   I didn't.

The guy shows up with (an already carved slice of turkey, sandwiched between two slices of gravy soaked bread) but no soup because he "didn't realize I wanted soup."

Ya' wanna know what's ironic about this story???

We had this exact experience last time we had dinner at Perkins, which was only a few weeks ago, only that time it was a female inept server.

Yeah, I know..there's a labor shortage.

Chain restaurants hire whatever help they can get.

But next time we're craving a quickie before a movie, I'm making Jim take me to Bob's Burgers...

TV Trifecta

Even 'though it's somewhat flattering, I never understood why so many of my Facebook friends and blog readers like my recommendations or trust my taste.

I didn't think I had any taste.

I'm an adult woman in my sixties who still orders kids' flavors like cotton candy and bubblegum in gourmet ice cream shops.

I wear clothes that other people pick out for me. 

 As long as they fit.

And don't split.

When I sit.

I go to five star ethnic restaurants and only order beef, even when it tastes like seasoned cardboard, even when I know it's going to kill me one of these days.

I know nothing about music that isn't seventies Motown or old-time Broadway, when shows were chauvinistic stories  with syrupy endings.

There's money in the bank to buy tasteful furniture, but I'd rather have Jim take a hammer to secure the drooping upholstery on a couch that should have been tossed years ago.

I have always had  zero taste in men with the exception of the one I married.  I only attracted hideous losers in my twenties, and I thought I was lucky to get them.

We've traveled to most major cities in Europe and Australia, but my idea of vacation is summer camp for grown ups.

And yet..so many of you trust me and trust my taste, because you're still reading this tasteless Facebook post, to see what I've been trying to say all along.

And that is....

I have hit the trifecta!!

I love watching..and recommending--beautifully written dramedies that everyone should stream.

I couldn't devour "Girls5Eva" (yes, I realize I had been adding an extra "h" at the end--I blame that on carelessness, not tastelessness) and "Hacks" fast enough, but their streaming services are only releasing two episodes per week.

Thanks to my niece Marissa, who has great taste in EVERYTHING, I took her advice and watched all ten of the very easy-to-watch  episodes of Hulu's BRILLIANT "Life&Beth"

It is..spectacular!! Maybe the best of the three I've recommended.

I always liked creator/star Amy Schumer, but now I see why everyone loves her madly. There's a stunning and unexpected turn from Michael Rappaport, but the chemistry with the entire ensemble is positively palpable.

I'll say it again..there are members' of the Writers' Guild who have membership cards and signed paychecks that make one shake one's head in utter disbelief.

And then there's "Life&Beth" that targets a smart, female audience but it's written for anyone with a heart and soul and fire stick. 

I'm telling you..you MUST watch "Life&Beth"

Maybe I have good taste after all....???

Not a happy camper

it's hot AF today and the pool still looks like a big bucket of Top Job. I want to cool off, not be disinfected.

I am not a happy camper.

I'm a really unhappy camper, in fact, 'cause I saw "Family Camp" yesterday afternoon, thinking it would be a hilarious spoof that made fun of dysfunctional families on vacation together, but it was a horrendous piece of drivel that seemed like it was written by a group of twelve year olds at Bible Camp.

The only enjoyable part was hearing Jim's narration in the empty theater.

(Like  when the camp cook left an enormous pot of pasta boiling on the the stove, and ran out of the building to help a lost soul find his way, without turning the stove off.)

There was no fire.

It wasn't even addressed.

This movie had as many holes as "The Room" but it won't get a cult following.

To think that the writers of this disaster are probably in the same writer's guild as the comic geniuses who penned the first four episodes  of Season Two's "Hacks."

I guess anyone can consider themselves to be real writers these days..check out the BUBs(brutally untalented bloggers) who pen a blah-g on a daily basis. 

Whatever...

Meanwhile, I'm just recovering from my Covid and all the variants fears when we're suddenly flooded with information about the dreaded Monkey Pox.

I am NOT paranoid about catching  Monkey Pox.

The name is too silly to cause any real concern.

Stay cool today!

Stitt.. I don’t give a sh*t

since so many of you commented almost weekly on  those Broadway parodies I wrote during the height of the pandemic, here's my latest effort, inspired by current events:

Oklahoma!

where the right wing's comin' for your rights

'eff you, Kevin Stitt

who gives a shit

that you read your bible every night??

Oklahoma!

Women's bodies don't belong to you!

Women have a CHOICE

they have a VOICE

if they close up shop..who will you screw??

That's right, you sick hicks... won't get laid...

not until you respect..Roe v. Wade!

Poor RBG! (sigh!)

She fought so valiant-ly..(why???)

you're turning back the clock..what a shock..

Oklahoma..

see this isn't..O.K.!

Poodle dreams

and now to get some slumber, in a space that's equivalent to about one-half of a twin-sized mattress on a small  child's cot, coated with sharp, pointy, half-eaten dog biscuits. 

 If I move my cramped body or the biscuit/weapons, I chance getting mauled.

It's like sleeping on a bed of nails that's carefully  guarded by an angry Doberman.

Get yourself a poodle, they said.

A sweet little fur baby of your dreams, they said.

They didn't know my little guy's a dream, all right.  The kind of dream you wake up from before you go screaming down the corridor toward the bathroom.

But I wouldn't trade him for anything, the little pipsqueak.

Not even for a good solid eight hours...

May we enjoy the season

Welcome, merry month of May..I just wanted to give you a hug, even on this traditionally unlucky day, Friday the 13th,  the almost halfway point. 

You are the opposite of your cruel older sister, April, with all that dirty  rain and unpredictability and decades worth of tragedies that occur mid-month. (Google it..so many awful events have occurred in April)

I love the scent of lavender, the splashes of purple seen on the trees that hangover our neighbor's fence, the rain that you actually look forward to hearing pounding down  on your skylight..

I'm delighted  to shed my winter coat and put on the spring sweater, with the pockets still full of hotel key cards from past vacations, which was probably  the last time I wore the sweater..

May means Woodloch is just a month away, and that the pool opening is in a matter of weeks. 

 It takes  a few weeks to turn that horrid sludge into inviting clear pool  water, and Jim works those chemicals like he's Bill Nye, the Science Guy. 

The oases will be complete late summer, with a  new pool liner and the new pavers to cover the hideous patio cracks, but that doesn't mean I don't love May as much as I love July and August..

 I will patiently wait for perfection.

The very  best thing about May, 'though,  is that it gets me out of TV prison. 

 All the must-see shows are winding down, freeing up time to stream everything  people have been recommending for what seems like a decade.

And books..I can finally turn my Kindle into something other than a coaster.

(Except that's not true..I'd never use a Kindle as a coaster, but for those of you who ask me for book recommendations, I finally got around to finishing "The Golden Couple" by Sarah Pekkanen and Greer Hendricks, and it's delicious. So suspenseful and engaging and totally unpredictable.)

I also finished Jennifer Weiner's "Summer" trilogy, and the third installment did not disappoint. I loved the characters almost as much as I loved every nook and cranny in the Cape Cod setting.

May is also a sweeps month, and that puts a lot of pressure on us couch potatoes to cram everything in, and also, to be disappointed when we learn that some of our favorites will not be returning.

CBS is making some huge mistakes cancelling "The United States of Al" and "B Positive." They were two sitcoms with heart, and they deserved to live a little longer.

And since so many people ask me for recommendations to stream, here's one that'll have you rolling in the aisles:  (and no, it's not that mediocre "How We Roll" bowling-centered sitcom)

If you liked the pacing and the feel of "The Office" and "Superstore" you will positively LOVE what I consider the best new sitcom of the season(tied with "Abbott Elementary") called "Welcome to Flatch."

I usually skip mockumentaries--I find them contrived, but this one, on Fox on Thursday nights at 9:30,  is a laugh-out-loud, laugh-every-second hoot. 

It's the kind of show you need to record and watch after "This is  Us" when you're trying to recover. 

I love it's star, Chelsea Holmes, who now goes by just Holmes, as the hilarious Kelly, sharing her adventures with her BFF, her cousin Scrub.

I'm not sure if close cousins have been portrayed since the days of Patty and Cathy Lane, cousins who looked like identical twins(!!???) but "Welcome to Flatch" has little in common with that silly sixties sitcom.

(Although I can actually picture Kelly "losing control" over a hot dog, as Patty Duke once did)

Bring on the BBQS!

Bring on the lilacs!

Bring on lazy pool days and packed Kindles...

Bring on the allergies, the  sneezing and wheezing and those dirty looks from people  waiting in line behind you with cartoon bubbles that say, "Hey..I am triple vaxxed!"

Spring has sprung!

Missing Miguel

This. Is. Gut-busting.

Okay, maybe not as painful as real life, when the gut that is being busted contains a uterus. 

Don't tell me what I can and cannot do with my body--even if I abuse it with creme brulee.  That's between me, my healthcare professional, and the Cheesecake Factory.

RBG:  The face slap heard around the world...

Will Smith has nothing on SCOTUS.

But let's get back to "This is Us". where, at the end, I had to be scooped up from the floor.

(Not because I was a quavering puddle, but because I tripped over the quivering  poodle)

SPOILERS AHEAD

Fans have been  predicting Miguel's fate for weeks now, which made me prepared, but I wanted them to be wrong.

I needed them to be wrong.

They were not wrong.

Six seasons worth of brilliant storytelling needed no  written words at all last night. 

 Just a few stirring instrumental  chords, a few shots that showed the changing of the seasons. 

The plucking of an apple, the sweeping of a childhood baseball field in Puerto Rico.

This. Was.  Mig.

I didn't post anything after the last two Kevin-centric episodes, even 'though he's hot AF and Mandy's stupendous singing made it blog-worthy, because..well.. I'm a nit picker.

I was annoyed that Sophie got miffed during an intimate moment when Kevin  wrongly  thought he sniffed her familiar Herbal Essence, when he clearly should have known  that shampoo was so 1990's of her. 

 It reminded me of a scene from  "thirtysomething" when Nancy and Elliott were finally back together, and she stormed out of the bedroom because he remarked that her legs weren't carefully  shaven.

I personally know at least a dozen women who would never let  some olfactory confusion or a casual  remark about hairy calves put an abrupt end to their impending  joy.  

(If you're close enough for intimacy, you are close enough to be able to take a non-critical criticism)

I also disliked when Beth and Madison played Nancy Drew and uncovered Katie Lowes's character's beautiful notes on napkins.  They called it "girlish handwriting"

Calligraphy pens are fluid..and genderless.  That's biased detective work, ladies.

Also, were Randall and Beth's girls on that airport carousel with Sophie's missing luggage?  You mean to tell me not one small boutique, located near the wedding venue, was open later than  noon?  (They visited the dry cleaner to find something last minute, where it was obviously  still daylight) 

 And there's no Target or KMart within an hour's drive?

Those episodes were contrived to me, but the writers made up for it last night, giving us quality scripts, the kind that we've been blessed with for six seasons, especially this season.

Last night's tears were genuinely earned, not forced.

I even wept when Roberto Clemente  was mentioned, even 'though I know.  I know.. there's no crying in baseball.

How am I gonna survive these next few weeks, focusing on  the Big Three?

(As in, the Big Three episodes left in this astonishing show??)