Sometimes it's easier than others.
1) Cheddar cheese
2) frozen peas
3) Febreze
4) Sara Lee's
5) T.P.'s
oKAY. That's FIVE
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
A Patriotic Song For Memorial Day
Happy Memorial Day! Since I woke up humming many patriotic melodies, I've decided to write some custom lyrics to a familiar one. This may not be my last attempt at shameless self-promotion, but let's hope for everyone's sake that it will be.
1) (Sung to the tune of: "You're a Grand Old Flag!")
It's my brand new blog
and my head's in..a ..fog..
will I ever.. be clever enough?
to keep this..a-live?
Will this Kay Five
draw viewers
to skewer
my stuff?
Will I stay inspired?
Do I have what's..required?
Will things spiral? Go viral?
Who knows???!!!
Five paragraphs!!!
Will there... be... laughs??
well let's..just...see... how..it goes!
2) Technology is not my friend
3) Neither is coordination, or following anything with more than three steps. Deejays go into full panic mode every time I attempt to do a cha-cha slide
4) Speaking of patriotic songs, let me segue into a brief discussion about "Veep" which is a show I consider to be one of the funniest written comedies of all time. I was not the biggest fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes(People who can't dance aren't THAT funny, right? Right?) but then I grew to really love her work on "The New Adventures of Old Christine." It is, however, her stunning work as the title character that will have me opining that there's not enough gold in Fort Knox to make an Emmy award big enough for the one she deserves. Well done!
5) The song in paragraph one mentioned skewering, and now I want a shish kebob.
OKAY. That's FIVE
1) (Sung to the tune of: "You're a Grand Old Flag!")
It's my brand new blog
and my head's in..a ..fog..
will I ever.. be clever enough?
to keep this..a-live?
Will this Kay Five
draw viewers
to skewer
my stuff?
Will I stay inspired?
Do I have what's..required?
Will things spiral? Go viral?
Who knows???!!!
Five paragraphs!!!
Will there... be... laughs??
well let's..just...see... how..it goes!
2) Technology is not my friend
3) Neither is coordination, or following anything with more than three steps. Deejays go into full panic mode every time I attempt to do a cha-cha slide
4) Speaking of patriotic songs, let me segue into a brief discussion about "Veep" which is a show I consider to be one of the funniest written comedies of all time. I was not the biggest fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes(People who can't dance aren't THAT funny, right? Right?) but then I grew to really love her work on "The New Adventures of Old Christine." It is, however, her stunning work as the title character that will have me opining that there's not enough gold in Fort Knox to make an Emmy award big enough for the one she deserves. Well done!
5) The song in paragraph one mentioned skewering, and now I want a shish kebob.
OKAY. That's FIVE
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Toaster ovens, Biscuits, and a shout out to a funny lady
I doubt I'll be posting every day, but it IS Memorial Day weekend, so I'm going to attempt to make a memory or two.
Here are my thoughts for today:
1) I want to share a clean story that happened when Jim and I got married in November, 1989. We got gifts..loads and loads of gifts, which meant more salad bowls than a non-salad eater could ever use, and forks that would eventually get lost in the shuffle, and..toaster ovens. Way too many toaster ovens. I opened one box(and I still use the appliance today) and the other one stayed unopened in the guest room. I wrote a lovely thank you note and did not lie..I told the giver how much we like the toaster oven, and that we were using it daily. Except..it WAS a lie. A few days before we were about to return it to an appliance store, the giver sends us a poem, explaining how he felt "dejected" as we had "neglected" to actually open the toaster oven BOX..which contained not an oven but a hand-carved wooden rack for knick knacks or books. That would have been very hard to explain to the return desk at the appliance store: "We are returning this Proctor Silex toaster oven because it's a book rack"
2) I want to share an inadvertent not clean story that happened around the birth of my son Evan in July of 1995. The doctor had warned me a few weeks earlier that a C-section would be likely because I was, as he put it, "very tight" and I replied: "so where was my popularity in college?" But yes, I indeed had that painful C-section, and eight days later, a houseful of company as we held the ceremonial circumcision ceremony known as a "bris." I wanted a modicum of decorum as a rabbi was in my home..and lots of other important people. A friend asked me how I was feeling, and I quietly answer: "I'm OK but my cut is really bothering me." She winced, paused for a moment, and then her jaw hit the floor. She offered: That's from the episiotomy..that goes away after awhile" and I reply, "I didn't have an episiotomy..I had a C-section." The look of relief on Barbara's face was priceless when she uttered: "Oooooh! Your CUT is really bothering you, I see!"
3) My late Dad always said that Jewish girls are never "fat", even when they were. He always had a Yiddish sounding word, the sweeter "fet" which was used more often than I care to remember by my BFF from college, Jim D. One day I convince the very urbane Jim to accompany me to a woodsy single's resort in the Berkshires, and we're napping in our twin beds on a sunny day when I hear the familiar whispers from Jim's voice, a chorus of "fet" and then more "fet," Hey, I have a lot more self-acceptance than I probably should, but I bark at him anyway, ordering him to cool it with the "fet," And he denies saying it, until we hear it again, coming from..a bird!!... So yep, even mother nature's fine feathered friends have their moments of unacceptable fattism. No wonder they gave Hitchcock such grief.
4) I woke up today in intense pain, thinking my hypochondria was finally paying off, that someone would finally diagnose my vague pains and take me seriously. Until I discovered that the back pains were the result of some carefully planted and sharply bitten dog biscuits. How does Luke know when I reach REM stages of sleep? More important, why is he in my bed?
5) I am very saddened with the passing of Anne Meara. She was an excellent celebrity partner in 1977 when I was a contestant on "The Pyramid" and fed me excellent clues that should have resulted in my winning a boatload of money, but I was twenty-one and clueless about clues then..clues and everything else.
oKAY. That's FIVE
Here are my thoughts for today:
1) I want to share a clean story that happened when Jim and I got married in November, 1989. We got gifts..loads and loads of gifts, which meant more salad bowls than a non-salad eater could ever use, and forks that would eventually get lost in the shuffle, and..toaster ovens. Way too many toaster ovens. I opened one box(and I still use the appliance today) and the other one stayed unopened in the guest room. I wrote a lovely thank you note and did not lie..I told the giver how much we like the toaster oven, and that we were using it daily. Except..it WAS a lie. A few days before we were about to return it to an appliance store, the giver sends us a poem, explaining how he felt "dejected" as we had "neglected" to actually open the toaster oven BOX..which contained not an oven but a hand-carved wooden rack for knick knacks or books. That would have been very hard to explain to the return desk at the appliance store: "We are returning this Proctor Silex toaster oven because it's a book rack"
2) I want to share an inadvertent not clean story that happened around the birth of my son Evan in July of 1995. The doctor had warned me a few weeks earlier that a C-section would be likely because I was, as he put it, "very tight" and I replied: "so where was my popularity in college?" But yes, I indeed had that painful C-section, and eight days later, a houseful of company as we held the ceremonial circumcision ceremony known as a "bris." I wanted a modicum of decorum as a rabbi was in my home..and lots of other important people. A friend asked me how I was feeling, and I quietly answer: "I'm OK but my cut is really bothering me." She winced, paused for a moment, and then her jaw hit the floor. She offered: That's from the episiotomy..that goes away after awhile" and I reply, "I didn't have an episiotomy..I had a C-section." The look of relief on Barbara's face was priceless when she uttered: "Oooooh! Your CUT is really bothering you, I see!"
3) My late Dad always said that Jewish girls are never "fat", even when they were. He always had a Yiddish sounding word, the sweeter "fet" which was used more often than I care to remember by my BFF from college, Jim D. One day I convince the very urbane Jim to accompany me to a woodsy single's resort in the Berkshires, and we're napping in our twin beds on a sunny day when I hear the familiar whispers from Jim's voice, a chorus of "fet" and then more "fet," Hey, I have a lot more self-acceptance than I probably should, but I bark at him anyway, ordering him to cool it with the "fet," And he denies saying it, until we hear it again, coming from..a bird!!... So yep, even mother nature's fine feathered friends have their moments of unacceptable fattism. No wonder they gave Hitchcock such grief.
4) I woke up today in intense pain, thinking my hypochondria was finally paying off, that someone would finally diagnose my vague pains and take me seriously. Until I discovered that the back pains were the result of some carefully planted and sharply bitten dog biscuits. How does Luke know when I reach REM stages of sleep? More important, why is he in my bed?
5) I am very saddened with the passing of Anne Meara. She was an excellent celebrity partner in 1977 when I was a contestant on "The Pyramid" and fed me excellent clues that should have resulted in my winning a boatload of money, but I was twenty-one and clueless about clues then..clues and everything else.
oKAY. That's FIVE
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Welcome to Kay Five!
I don't know who will be sorrier, you, the Facebook friends who've requested that I start a blog after reading my updates from my two recent Club Med trips, or me, who can never stick with anything but will try to write one because I've been requested to do so.
Welcome to Kay Five, where, when motivated, I will post five random or not so random neurotic thoughts that will make you laugh, make you think, and make you wonder why you ever decided to friend me.
First of all, a brief explanation of the most ridiculous user name in the history of the Internet. When I first got on-line around a dozen or so years ago, Jim convinced me to pick a name that would a) be easy to remember and b) reflect something about the person I am.
Considering even I can never even remember my own password most of the time, I miserably failed with item "a".. But I picked it, as some of you may have guessed, because the activity that best describes the kind of person I am is playing Scrabble. Scrabble and Wheel of Fortune puzzle solving are the only things I do well, thus the name Kay Five, since the "K" is worth five points in the beloved game created by Alfred Butts all those years ago. I guess if I chose a name that accurately described me, it might have been easier to remember, but "sleeps 'til noon" or "scared of highways" is more convoluted than even Kay Five.
I never seriously considered blogging before I took these last vacations. In fact, I didn't even call it blogging then, I just called it journaling. And even 'though I talked about things that most people talk about on vacations, ie. the weather, the room, the food, I hoped to do so in a way that didn't feel like I was forcing people to look at my home movies, but rather, to capture the hilarious moments that occurred and to share them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's vacation photos, I really do, but how many palm trees can you really see from someone's balcony? What are you supposed to say? "Now THAT'S some kind of greenery!" or "well..that water certainly is wavy, isn't it?" I also don't like seeing photos of museums or churches or anything old unless they're made out of cheese. Unless the person taking the photo is actually IN them. I don't need to see yet another vacationer holding up the leaning tower of Pisa, it makes me want to tour Europe even less than I already do. (But truth be told, I am lazy and don't like the idea of walking for a thousand miles) I feel the same way about vacation updates and photos like I do about birthday acknowledgments. Make them personal. Make me CARE. Just adding an exclamation point or a name doesn't make a birthday greeting special. Nor does using a redundancy. Saying "happy birthday, I hope it's fun!' isn't saying anything unique. And neither is showing me a photo of your hotel's night stand, even 'though I've done just that when I remember to use the camera the right way and not just post photos of my eyeball. (Yes, it's true..my 1972 trip to Canada has 24 photos, and 21 of them are of my eyeball)
So let's give this a whirl. It certainly won't be my first--or last--failure if I throw this party and nobody shows up.
Here are my Five Thoughts for today:
1) why, when someone is trying to be complimentary, are negative phrases used? We call a very clever person a "riot"..we call hilarious comics "screams" who have "killed it" or "nailed it" or "slayed it". I question this.
2) On the other hand, why, when someone is trying to be negative, do they say such wonderful things? "Go jump in a lake?" That's something I LOVE!! "Go to Hell?" Isn't that that wonderful little touristy town in Grand Cayman Island? Even the standard "Go "F" yourself"..uh..would if we COULD..why is that bad??? "Eat "s" and die", yeah, I guess I understand why THAT one's a negative.
3) I treat every guy like the pool boy except the boy who actually opens the pool.
4) When I wake my husband up at 3:00 AM, what could I POSSIBLY be saying besides "YOU'RE snoring?" He actually asks this, each and every time. "What about snoring?" he'll quiz me at that ungodly hour. I'm not asking how to spell "snoring" or how many Scrabble points it's worth or even what the medical explanation of it is. I'm simply barking an order.."STOP snoring!"
5) I cannot wait to meet my new niece, Shoshana Levson, who was born just two weeks ago. And I'm very glad my nephew and his wife didn't combine Hollywood baby-naming trends with their strong religious convictions and name the kid something like "Schmatah" or "Plotz"
oKAY...That's FIVE
Welcome to Kay Five, where, when motivated, I will post five random or not so random neurotic thoughts that will make you laugh, make you think, and make you wonder why you ever decided to friend me.
First of all, a brief explanation of the most ridiculous user name in the history of the Internet. When I first got on-line around a dozen or so years ago, Jim convinced me to pick a name that would a) be easy to remember and b) reflect something about the person I am.
Considering even I can never even remember my own password most of the time, I miserably failed with item "a".. But I picked it, as some of you may have guessed, because the activity that best describes the kind of person I am is playing Scrabble. Scrabble and Wheel of Fortune puzzle solving are the only things I do well, thus the name Kay Five, since the "K" is worth five points in the beloved game created by Alfred Butts all those years ago. I guess if I chose a name that accurately described me, it might have been easier to remember, but "sleeps 'til noon" or "scared of highways" is more convoluted than even Kay Five.
I never seriously considered blogging before I took these last vacations. In fact, I didn't even call it blogging then, I just called it journaling. And even 'though I talked about things that most people talk about on vacations, ie. the weather, the room, the food, I hoped to do so in a way that didn't feel like I was forcing people to look at my home movies, but rather, to capture the hilarious moments that occurred and to share them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's vacation photos, I really do, but how many palm trees can you really see from someone's balcony? What are you supposed to say? "Now THAT'S some kind of greenery!" or "well..that water certainly is wavy, isn't it?" I also don't like seeing photos of museums or churches or anything old unless they're made out of cheese. Unless the person taking the photo is actually IN them. I don't need to see yet another vacationer holding up the leaning tower of Pisa, it makes me want to tour Europe even less than I already do. (But truth be told, I am lazy and don't like the idea of walking for a thousand miles) I feel the same way about vacation updates and photos like I do about birthday acknowledgments. Make them personal. Make me CARE. Just adding an exclamation point or a name doesn't make a birthday greeting special. Nor does using a redundancy. Saying "happy birthday, I hope it's fun!' isn't saying anything unique. And neither is showing me a photo of your hotel's night stand, even 'though I've done just that when I remember to use the camera the right way and not just post photos of my eyeball. (Yes, it's true..my 1972 trip to Canada has 24 photos, and 21 of them are of my eyeball)
So let's give this a whirl. It certainly won't be my first--or last--failure if I throw this party and nobody shows up.
Here are my Five Thoughts for today:
1) why, when someone is trying to be complimentary, are negative phrases used? We call a very clever person a "riot"..we call hilarious comics "screams" who have "killed it" or "nailed it" or "slayed it". I question this.
2) On the other hand, why, when someone is trying to be negative, do they say such wonderful things? "Go jump in a lake?" That's something I LOVE!! "Go to Hell?" Isn't that that wonderful little touristy town in Grand Cayman Island? Even the standard "Go "F" yourself"..uh..would if we COULD..why is that bad??? "Eat "s" and die", yeah, I guess I understand why THAT one's a negative.
3) I treat every guy like the pool boy except the boy who actually opens the pool.
4) When I wake my husband up at 3:00 AM, what could I POSSIBLY be saying besides "YOU'RE snoring?" He actually asks this, each and every time. "What about snoring?" he'll quiz me at that ungodly hour. I'm not asking how to spell "snoring" or how many Scrabble points it's worth or even what the medical explanation of it is. I'm simply barking an order.."STOP snoring!"
5) I cannot wait to meet my new niece, Shoshana Levson, who was born just two weeks ago. And I'm very glad my nephew and his wife didn't combine Hollywood baby-naming trends with their strong religious convictions and name the kid something like "Schmatah" or "Plotz"
oKAY...That's FIVE
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