Back home 11/24/2014

Ah, it's been over a week now but the DVR is finally showing something reasonable, two percent, like the milk I occassionally drink! But it's my own fault for taping things like "Who Wants to be A Millionaire" and "About a Boy"..they're more "watch if it's convenient" than "Must-See" type of shows. If there was a show about TV addicts, I'd be watching it..watching AND DVRing it!

Back home 11/22/2014

I am such a glutton for punishment(and everything else, but I'll save that for another time) I still have 18 programs on the DVR and a week's worth of crossword puzzles and cryptograms, but I just spent an hour on You Tube, playing all those Club Med songs and Crazy Signs I already miss so much after a week. I think I have to go back next year. And see that chain smoker in the tankini and learn to say in French: "Got emphysema yet?" But since hers was the only spot open on a daily basis by the pool, she'll probably respond "do you?"..Everytime I open my closet and see those silly flip flops I want to burst into tears...I need to get back there..and so do you!

Back home 11/17/2014

I am still in vacation mode. I got up in the middle of the night feeling disoriented that I felt carpet beneath my feet and not the cool tile of a hotel room. Oh, and the scale was much kinder to me now that Nature is cooperating, unlike it did in the Bahamas. (Only gained a pound and a half) My friend  is so clever..When I told him that guests were confused because the Chief d'Village AND the Assistant Chief D'Village looked exactly alike and spoke exactly alike and were both named "Olivier" (as in the actor Laurence) he suggested the club should refer to them as Olivier and OlivieB. (Think about it) I can't tell you how many times I confused them. I'm face blind anyway, but I made a fool out of myself on several occasions. I also recently researched a lot about the town of San Salvador, and 'though Club Med is the major tourist attraction, the main town is called Cockburn. Which explains why those topless frenchwomen weren't able to convince their husbands to join them in nude sunbathing

Back Home 11/16/2014

Is it safe to post that I'm home on the Internet? Should I be worried that someone will read that I'm no longer in my Club Med hotel room and therefore may try to rob it? (Won't be the first time I'll worry about theft in room 415 of Columbus Isle this week..after all, I did accuse the spanish speaking maid of stealing my flip flops)

How the hell did I go to Club Med for a week and only gain three pounds?

Columbus Isle 11/15/2014: 9:11am

Waiting to check out..a five minute procedure done in the theater here. No taking off these flip flops and getting scanned..just sitting poolside. I just saw my Barbara Walters friend. She is a riot..she'd get these phone calls every day at the beach..long business calls(she's a realtor) and only at the very end would she say "I'm not in the office right now..I'm in the Bahamas"..shouldn't that have been her first statement? I'm glad I only started trip journaling now. Too many vacations were just too weird to share with the public

Columbus Isle 11/14/2014: 11:35pm

So we leave the nightclub after a particularly juvenile show and I'm thinking"No wonder the French love Jerry Lewis!" We're then hoarded onto these mysterious buses..one a Club Med shuttle, the other a yellow school bus. We are the only Americans on our bus as it travels through this darkened road and I'm praying that I can say something intelligent in French other than "My Dog Is Luke!" We stop briefly, and BATMAN gets on, and all the French people are shrieking. BATMAN pours something from the kind of container ice cream parlors use to add syrup flavors to shakes(of course I'd know THAT an not what it's called in a bar!)down Jim's throat but I refused. Not because I was thinking about Ebola. OK..I WAS..just for a second..but I was more worried that it would have a bitter taste and I couldn't ask anyone to help me because all I know how to say is "My Dog is Luke!" And I'm sure the french folks were fearing the crazy American talking about her dog, and praying that the bus driver didn't go below 5 0MPH on this very quiet lane lest the bus blow up! We stop finally..Batman gets off and throws glitter onto everyone and I realize we're at the disco..the air-conditioned, smoke-free disco that's close to our room, which I said before might as well be in Florida. They're doing a lot of songs I know and then they do "YMCA" and I couldn't follow a single step. I was too worried about getting all that glitter off my cleavage, knowing I couldn't ask the maid for help after accusing her of theft just hours earlier. So yeah, if I can't do the YMCA, I better not even attempt to follow instructions on how to breathe underwater when scuba diving! Also, both Manu(picture to come soon!) and Hugo were there and I agree with Jim, Manu is conventionally handsome, someone my Mom, god rest her soul would have appreciated. But ponytailed Hugo is HOT..the kind of hot that makes my friend Jim Donio watch shows like "Big Brother" because guys that look like Hugo audition for said shows. Back to reality soon, when the only thing I'll post on FB is what movie I saw. Some of you will be pleased by that!

Columbus Isle 11/14/2014: 5:01pm

Wow..Jim and I can really fool 'em all, can't we? Walking hand in hand into the windex-colored ocean, all the smokers and all the considerate people at the beach must have collectively thought: "Ah..they're still in.LOVE!" In actuality, I told him that if he let go and I got caught in another killer wave he'd be in big trouble later:) I would break into computer and mess with his  his Fantasy Football, making Tim Tebow his QB.  We are seriously having fun..all kidding aside! Last night, I thoroughly enjoyed the most delectable piece of ham I have ever consumed in my life. The tender cooked meat and the scrumptious sauce were outstanding. I had two slices! Merely mentioning this in print makes my mouth water and my memory cells dance. Except it's a lie! You seriously think I stopped at two slices of something that awesome? This is offensive on so many levels..I told a lie to my Facebook friends who have been enjoying my trip journaling. And by eating ham, I assaulted my Inner Jewess. And my eating that MUCH, I assaulted my innards. Totally worth it!

I am not happy seeing a sheet of paper with going home instructions. I want to move to the Bahamas!

Columbus Isle 11/14/2014: 8:04am

As this wonderful vacation winds down, I have discovered some interesting things: You don't have to necessarily go to Europe when Europe can come to you! I was never that interested in touring museums and churches and sites I could always view on line(translation: I have no tolerance for heat and blistered feet) but I always wanted to know what culture and life was live across the pond, and now I do. Last night we dined with the wonderful Magdali from France, who got married two weeks ago but was here alone because..like everyone else here..LIVES for scuba diving.(The new hubby doesn't, apparently) Scuba should be on my bucket list, it really should, but knowing about my lack of ability to follow instructions, even ones that could save my life it's kind of on my f*ck-it list! But life underwater sounds fascinating. We also dined with Judy(spelled Guiday) from Italy, and I feel like I've been to Rome and back. I wish I knew Spanish..because the housekeeper muttered something in it when she asked me if I ever recovered my flip flops. OMG..did I actually get her in TROUBLE by filling out a Missing Shoes report? If you'd actually SEE this flip flops, you'd know the significance of that statement. Our LA friends are awesome too..we met them on Day One and they've made the trip so enjoyable, especially Kelly, who is here with her parents and ultra cool brother. (Kids are in their 40's, parents..a little older) Kelly is like Candice Bergen in the Murphy Brown years...feminine, pretty, well dressed..but thinks and acts like a dude! She is a longshoreman who is funny and athletic while still being beautiful. I think I've come to the conclusion that I dig a lot of people in this world, even my polar opposites.

Columbus Isle 11/13/2014: 4:56pm

another day in Paradise, another day to amuse everyone with my idiocy. (You're still amused, right?) First of all, I fall for yet another sexy frenchman who sold me my new flip flops(I don't know what was more embarrassing..my reaction to telling him the size or him telling me the price) but I put them on, walk to the beach spot from yesterday, and there I see my ugly-assed aquamarine flip flops. How could I not remember that I walked barefoot back to the room yesterday, which is, as I mentioned previously, so far away that it might as well be in Florida? But nope..that was not my embarrassing highlight of the day. No siree Bob! That would have been when folks in the pool were inquiring about the funny smell coming from the beach, where staffers were setting up for a BBQ lunch, and I say: "It must be the PROFANE gas!" Thank goodness I said this mostly to the new arrivals from Paris yesterday, an older, heaver, Frencher crowd..the only thing I wanted to ask them was: "How do you say' remember to do your kegel exercise's for the next 30 minutes in French?" We did have fun, twisting and turning our aging bods to CeeLo Green, only it wasn't "Forget You" but the original. The "propane" lyrics work better! Jim and I are still having a blast, making new friends that we refer to by their celebrity doppelgängers. (One, named Bobbi, looks and sounds EXACTLY like Barbara Walters!) and then there's our Pete Boyle friend who cracks jokes like Ray Romano's Dad did. Glad Jim is secure enough in his masculinity to tell you about the hot dude with the ponytail last night, who drives a car fueled with old french fry grease. I'm secure enough that way too, like to discuss an Ethan Hawke fantasy from the "Before" trilogy while still acknowledging that I think Gwen Stefani has a sexy laugh. Ugh..Jim created a monster by teaching me how to journal while on vacation!

Columbus Isle 11/12/2014: 11:59pm

OK..Facebook friends who know me know I'm a fifty-eight year old, post menopausal woman with aches and pains and fat I don't apologize for, so being that type, I'm not filled with much lust nowadays, and the only thing I notice because of its hotness is a slice of DeNino's Pizza, but for the love of god, we were seated tonight with the bartender, Manu, who was by far the best looking man I have ever seen in my life. He says people mistake him for Eric Bana, yet I can take my eyes off of Eric Bana but I could not stop staring at this 24 year old hot Canadian bartender..and yes, I have a picture! Wowzer! And then we had a great conversation with a scuba guy from Montreal...very nice accompaniments to peppercorn steak. To top it off, I was told they rarely do the dated "Hands Up" number anymore, but tonight, in the blissfully smoke-free lounge, the Chief de Village made sure it was played in its entirety..and he told me it was especially for me! I danced, I cried, I lusted, I had my favorite Club Med meal and I kid you not, with Jim as my witness, this was EXACTLY a Cinderella story because I came back to find my aqua blue flip flops are totally gone. I don't care if some maid stole them..I will dream tonight of that beautiful man's beautiful face!

Columbus Isle 11/12/2014: 5:09pm

I think these Europeans smoke like they do because of the free health care, but also because it'll stop me from giving this vacation that deserves a perfect ten a ten. I'd say the women smoke to avoid eating, but their dessert plates are ten times the size of mine. And they manage to balance several of them while walking in mini dresses in heels so high they might as well be stilt walking. I couldn't even manage that walk in flat fuzzy bedroom slippers..yep, those french girls can EAT!! What is their secret???

Jim cracks me up. He did a vigorous work out at the gym, he's been snorkeling daily, he does pool Olympics with me daily, and yet he wouldn't move from the beach today when it started to rain, with only his NY Yankees cap for protection..too lazy! He did appreciate the birthday cake, even 'though the wonderful GO from Haiti named Mimi told me she could only inscribe it with "Happy Birthday James" since that was the name on file. I convinced her it's a cake, not a passport, and that he only uses his nickname. I can't tell you how close that cake came to being served with the inscription "Happy Birthday Jam!" But we love Mimi..we really do!

Columbus Isle 11/12/2014: 8:10am

ok elusive lottery ticket, make your presence known. Because I want to bring all my dear friends here, not just the ones I made this week. The staff(GO's) are always terrific.(The head is still teasing us about mixing the Star Wars/Superman themes every time he sees us) but now we've made guest(GM) connections. And they're awesome. And this place is awesome. And Jim's birthday celebration was one for the books! Also, people say the night entertainment is amateurish, but you could have fooled me. Last night's salute to "Dream Girls" was Broadway caliber.So who is coming with us when we return?(and yes Evan..I thought of you. Someone at our table is a cousin of a NY Yankee, another a good friend of one. But the whole table was filled with Patriots and Steelers fans..still, the food was fabulous and your appetite would have not minded these indignities:)

Columbus Isle 11/11/2014: 5:53pm

met wonderful folks today..Mom from Ireland, Dad from England, now in Belgium with 8 year old daughter. Off to an elegant theme night..perfect way to celebrate Jim's birthday!

Columbus Isle 11/11/2014: 7:46am

to show you how much Club Med and the world has changed since the time we were last here, twenty years ago, last night's evening entertainment had four randomly selected couples participate in a series of hilarious games with the winning couple being rewarded with champagne, Two gay couples participated(one team won) and nobody batted an eye. I love this brave new world, same thing Christopher Columbus must have said after landing a few yards from where I type this. Not to imply that ridding the world of homophobia is brave, I'm just making a personal observation!

Columbus Isle 11/10/2014: 5:51pm

We are so enjoying each other's company, realizing that there are like three and a half people here who speak English, so we're all we got. But leave it to me to find a pair of MOTS,,.septagenarians from Maryland that I had my hunches about, and then peppered my speech with yiddish to confirm, something Evan doesn't particularly like when I do it.We actually resorted to our version of the "would you rather" game, naming people who belong together and people who don't, posing: "would you rather spend 24 hours here with blank or blank?" Jim and Larry, you were a wash,,Larry would attempt things like sailing and snorkeling, but Jim would lust for every employee..and have hilarious commentary about the ordinary folks who crossed his path. I felt old when I told a staff member she looked exactly like Ali MacGraw when she was in "Love Story" and she had no idea who I meant!

had fun with pool exercises today, 'though I wish Jim had noticed that my bathing suit top slipped halfway through it. I want to say that I blended in with the topless french women at the beach, but they display grapefruit halves and I showed a banana or two. I look like The Barefoot Contessa if she had a baby with the old Rosie O'Donnell..I'm one piece of white chocolate bread away from being officially entitled to a handicapped parking sticker!

oh, and we loved the name the movie theme song game, even 'though it's a far cry from Woodloch's movie game. We were at an advantage by not being french and not smoking, but I can't believe we mistook the theme from Star Wars for the theme from Superman..Oh, and we nearly missed the song that precedes "You Are Karen" from "Out of Africa"..which was only the song we walked down the aisle to 25 years ago..the reason we're here in the first place! But we remembered our wedding video in the nick of time!

one last thing, and this one is for you, Andrea Miller Seitchik, but I found out all the fashion plates are here with the president of Loreal for a convention. 212 magnificent fashionistas from Belgium.Can't wait to see what they do for Elegant Night..or Flashy Night..or even Black and Pink Night,,almost wishing the airlines HAD lost my luggage! I am not cutting it here..but I'm having fun

Columbus Isle 11/10/2014: 7:41am

How dare it rain in the BAHAMAS?Well, at least last night was awesome..candle lit tables surrounding the gorgeous pool, a strolling violinist that made me feel like I was on the Titanic. (Except I don't expect to sink in the ocean, but it's me, so you never know)I cannot believe how people DRESS here..I have never seen such gorgeous clothes and accessories in my life. Everyone's sticking with theme nights(so far, cappuccino and all white the following night)and the women wear heels taller than I am..How can anyone afford a wardrobe like these? How can anyone find luggage that will fit all these magnificent dresses? They look like they're all size two, so I answered my own question. Last night I dined with the STRAIGHT nurse Kevin from France who looked exactly like a tattoo less Adam Levine. So there's that

Columbus Isle 11/9/2014: 5:44pm

Jim gets on his inner Jacques Cousteau and goes snorkeling while I get on my inner Lena Dunham with my kindle poolside, A great book that made me realize my OCD is worse than hers. I had a fall in the gorgeous ocean and found sand in places I didn't even realize were still places. I must have had some in my eye, because I swore I saw a dorsal fin two feet from shore. Tonight is white night around the pool, which means everyone wears white and eats..white food I'm guessing? I will have consumed 14 cows by this vacation's end, but it's OK..Because as I mentioned earlier, Ft. Lauderdale is an hour by plane, and it's still closer to the dining hall, pool, and ocean than our room is! Oh Club Med, I've missed you! Bon Jour!

Columbus Isle 11/9/2014: 7:49am

Jim's on a power walk and I'm sitting here listening to the ocean..and seeing it..and enjoying the breeze from it. (No smoke to deal with this far from the bar) And I cannot recommend Spirit airline enough, or flying out of AC for that matter. Wonderful comfy seats..and we were here in just over an hour from Ft. Lauderdale,,plus a one minute drive to the resort.I am now in full vacation mode..thank you Cherry Travel!

Columbus Isle: 11/9/2014: 7:24am

wow!.the only thing french in my life since the twenty years I've been here are a couple of crazy french poodles...this place is gorgeous..but I need to brush up on the french I learned in HS..and/or maybe the three-four cigarettes I ever smoked in HS and in my lifetime. Only complaint about this gorgeous Club Med Columbus Isle..too many smokers!