Cocaine un-bear-able

I have about two to three dozen functioning brain cells left in this ole cranium of mine: more when it comes to solving the bonus puzzle on "Wheel of Fortune."

Jim has a BA in Engineering from U of Michigan and a masters degree from Stanford. (in engineering as well)

And yet..and yet...

We still thought it was a good idea to treat ourselves to a few hours of high camp humor that we expected from "Cocaine Bear."

We must have been smoking crack before we left the house tonight..

First of all, we were the only people in the packed theater over thirty and not under the influence.

Second, we should have realized something was wrong when Jim's recliner was broken and even 'though he was offered a full refund, which he declined, he didn't ask for a refund after seeing "Cocaine Bear."

Which he should have.

The theater is darkened and the previews are on when a cop appears out of nowhere, ordering a group of seemingly high teenagers in working recliner chairs to my right  to immediately leave, which they did.  (temporarily)

Jim turns to me and asks me why they were ejected from the theater as 'though I had  inside information, as 'though I possibly had more inside scoop.

I dunno..were they kicked out because they spiked the buttery popcorn topping and made it taste sickening and slimy and gooey?

Oh..wait...that's not their fault.

Did they try to sneak in a marsupial on meth?

Did they greet us at the door and not warn us to avoid seeing this movie at all cost?

The movie starts and within five minutes we wanted to leave, but then the posse returns, taking up almost a full row of seats next to mine.

One of 'em made a joke about "Da Bear!" while the others laughed as 'though he was the first person ever to imitate John Goodman's imitation of an old SNL episode that wasn't even funny the first time it was said.

One of 'em mumbled something about the size of the bear's arms, which made me think of my favorite motto, one I coined personally about plus-sized women and their right to bare arms.

Another cop shows up, ordering the posse to leave and I was really scared of what they might do next, and then the fear turned to jealousy because they got to walk out of this movie fifteen minutes in..

Once again, Jim quizzed me about why they were being ejected from the theater and once again, I told him I hadn't a clue.

Ray Liotta shows up in his first scene, the poor fellow, who was way too good, too much of a good fella, too good  of an actor to have this be his curtain call.

Hey..I'm the first to admit, I LIKE crazy campy movies. 

 This is the second movie I've seen this year when an animal tries to ingest sawed off  human fingers, but at least in the Oscar-nominated "The Banshees of Inisherin" when Colin Farrell's character says, "my donkey choked on one of your cut off fingers so I have to burn your house down" the laughs were genuinely earned.

Elizabeth Banks has directed some memorable movies before, but I think she gets more credible dramatic performances out of her evil "Whammy guys" when she hosts "Press Your Luck" then she did out of the CGI, coked-up bear.

This movie could have been over in ten minutes if she just had been smart enough to cast Leonardo DiCaprio, who would have done something "irreverent" and saved us some movie bucks.

Somebody needs to take away the well deserved Emmy awards won by Keri Russell and  her " The Americans" co-star, esteemed character actress Margo Martindale(yes, I've been watching "BoJack Horseman") because of this debacle.

What were they thinking??

What some actresses won't do on a line of coke...task, tsk...

OK..you've read what I have to say, so go see this movie at your own risk.

  Jim thought "Eighty for Brady" was worse.

It was, but at least moviegoers sharing my row didn't get kicked out twice from that movie.

God knows they should have been.

We ALL should have been.

The start of something big

Evan stopped by for dinner last night, where I served Shepherd's Pie, a recipe I got from a blue haired lunch lady in a hairnet in 1962.

Jim and I were stacking the dishes, and as he was wrapping leftovers in "tin foil," I asked him, "shall you wash while I dry?..Let me just change my heels and grab a fresh apron"

No I didn't.

We have a dishwasher. and I don't own an apron..or a pair of heels....just wanted to see if you were listening.

I then get an urge to hear some music to clear the table by, but I'm not cool like the Boomers from "The Big Chill" who twerked to Motown while doing the same chore, so   I asked Alexa to play "This Could Be the Start of Something Big", a feel good song sung by Steve Lawrence and written by another Steve, Steven Allen, who used it for the theme of "The Tonight Show" when he hosted.

Evan was adjusting the rabbit ears on the old RCA, (again..just wanted to see if you're still with me, he was actually on his tablet, tracking flight paths) when he hears this peppy lilt from the other room and asks, "Oh my God..what century is this from?"

And then, not one, but TWO, TWO sitcoms from last night's ABC line-up made fun of aging Boomers who use Facebook. 

(You're not  finding this post on Tik Tok..if you're reading this, get your bifocals and join the (Shriners)' Club.)

These references are getting old.

Pass the Geritol

Hey mom.. let’s go to the videotape

The Phone Call Revisited, Episode 3

The time: Present  Day

The Place: Suburbia and.....???

Act I, Scene I

Fade in

We meet up once again with our protagonist, KAREN, barefoot and bra-less, her everyday attire. She shuffles to the fridge and takes a swig of Diet apple green iced tea straight from the jug before returning it to the shelf. She returns to the recliner in the cozy den and picks up the remote control.  She doesn't get the chance to use it 'though, because  the telephone rings.

 There is no need to check the Caller ID.

She knows exactly who is calling; only their location remains a mystery.

Today marks nine years since she last heard her mother's voice, still raspy, weakened by disease that was her undoing, still with its trademark sing-song lilt; still with the tiniest trace of a Boston accent that she never lost, even after spending nearly seventy of her eighty-five years in Philadelphia..

KAREN picks up on the fourth ring.

KAREN:  Hi Mom

MOM: We've been trying to reach you.  (THERE IS A PAUSE AND A GIGGLE)  to discuss the extended warranty on your auto insurance

KAREN:  (SCOFFS) Let's leave the comedy to the professionals who..actually drove cars when they were here

MOM: Just trying to get your attention...

KAREN:  You've succeeded.  (BEAT)  How's Dad?  He knew the Eagles were in last night's Super Bowl, right?

MOM:  He talked about it all day!  Sandy's here. All dogs wind up here, it seems, and they all want Daddy's attention.  He reminded him of the time he attached a green and white ribbon to his collar when the Eagles were in The World Series..

KAREN: That was in 1981, and it's not baseball, it's football, and...never mind.

MOM:  He's been crying all morning.

(ASIDE TO AUDIENCE:  KAREN winks because she wrote that particular line before the game started, knowing either outcome could be appliedl)

MOM: (CON'T)  How's Jim?  Evan?

KAREN:  Everyone's fine. (BEAT) You'll never guess what I've been doing constantly for almost a week now. I've been watching(MOM CUTS HER OFF MID-SENTENCE)

MOM: Home movies. I know. I've been watching you watch. I have an amazing view, there's nothing I don't see from here. (BEAT) And would it kill you to use a tumbler instead of drinking iced tea from the carton?

KAREN:Yes, I'll use  tumbler.  Maybe I'll use it next time I'm in someone's office and want water from a bubbler.

MOM: Stop making fun of me.

KAREN: I'm just getting started.  Didn't you hear me on the videotapes?  I was merciless!

MOM:  I remember Jim used to schlep that heavy camera everywhere.  He always managed to get embarrassing situations on tape, like when someone pooped in the kiddie pool  at the water park where you threw Evan's third birthday.

KAREN:  He took everything off of the camcorder and converted it to..Nah..not going to explain it.  It took me a while to understand the technology.  It'll take you an eternity.

MOM:  I'm in no rush.

KAREN: My whole life is viewable in one place now! (BEAT) Well..the good part of it, anyway. The important part, where I traded dead end jobs and obnoxious relationships for marriage and motherhood and self respect.  The tapes show show a happy Karen!

MOM: And such a pretty me.  I looked just like Elizabeth Taylor.

KAREN: What did people do before technology?  Did they capture memories only by perusing diaries written in barely legible cursive? Did they look at fading photographs?

MOM:  Ours were so disorganized.  Jammed into every drawer in the house..You never needed to look at old pictures.  Your memory was always razor sharp, dear..I love watching the videos, 'though.  I can't believe I was still alive!

KAREN:  I can't believe that I was still alive. (LONG PAUSE) The tapes don't lie..but where is that Karen who decorated cookies with her four year old son? Who rounded up all the Moms she met in pre-school and led their kids in a round of hokey pokey?

MOM:  I guessed she turned herself around...

KAREN: Stop breaking the tension with dumb jokes.  I was fun, Mom! And artistic, and thoughtful..what the hell happened to me?  Huh Mom??  Mom?? Are you still here?  Mom??  Hey Mama..Hey Mama..

MOM:  (giggling as she hums along to the "Hairspray!" tune) Welcome to your sixties!

KAREN: Sixty SEVEN!!  Effin' sixty-SEVEN, Mom!

Mom:  So?  So what?  You're still youthful in so many ways. You're still you, writing stuff about TV shows you watch.

KAREN:  I was SOOooo animated in those tapes. I was a fun wife. A cool Mom. A loyal friend.

MOM:  And a daughter who wouldn't stop picking on me...

KAREN: Oh c'mon..you deserved it sometimes. You spent an entire week with us in Florida when Evan was two.  You saw that familiar trident sign everywhere..that was Club Med's logo and when we're ready to leave, you pointed it out to Evan and told him it was a menorah!

MOM:  I was hoping to attract more Jews.

KAREN: Jim even filmed the day Evan was born. Scott and Marissa couldn't believe how tiny their new cousin was, and now Scott has kids of his own.

MOM:  I saw and I'm kvelling! Family! Love! Memories! They give you such naches. They mean everything!

KAREN: I'm glad you're enjoying the videos, even when they show us fighting like cats and dogs. Or like dogs and dogs..Max and Gigi were always at it.

MOM: They still are. So what?  So dogs fight. Moms and daughters fight. They fight. They make up. It's part of the package.  (BEAT) You take the good. You take the bad.  You take them both, and there you have..

KAREN:  Don't sing! (BEAT) Or maybe..DO sing?? It's been nine years since you screwed up a TV theme song or misconstrued Broadway lyrics.

MOM: Keep singing, my darling daughter. And writing, even if nobody reads it. Keep on being the best Karen you can be.

KAREN:  I'll try

MOM: Never apologize for being who you're supposed to be. Keep on fighting..but please, not with the family. That makes ME look bad. Keep on using your voice, the voice I only get to hear once a year now, on this anniversary.

KAREN:  I promise. And I look forward to hearing your voice too, Mom. Same time, next year.

WE FADE TO BLACK OVER THE SOUNDS OF JOHNNY MATHIS CROONING THE OSCAR NOMINATED SONG FROM THE MOVIE WITH THE SAME NAME AS KAREN'S LAST LINE OF DIALOGUE

Bill Nighy not the science guy vs the GOAT

It's another two-movie weekend in our frozen tundra. Weather forecasters were advising us to stay inside unless it was absolutely necessary to venture out, and I should have listened to them.

We wanted to see the last unseen movie that received a Best Actor nomination and we did just that. 

 I tried to read Jim's facial expression in the darkened, mostly empty theater,, and what I thought I  read was boredom on the level I was experiencing--but we HAD to see Bill Nighy's performance i anyway. 

The houselights went on, and just as I was about to apologize for dragging my husband to this pretentious snooze fest JUST because of my neurotic need to check off boxes in every major category(with the exception of "Wakanda Forever" and "Avatar"--which I will not see- although -we'll probably eventually see "All Quiet on the Western Front") my better half was overwhelmed with joy and emotion, saying he loved every single minute of "Living."

We haven't been this far apart in our opinions since I loved "Marcel the Shell With Shoes On" and it was perfectly okay. 

 It led to a lively discussion  on the ride home,  as Jim told me he related so much to Nighy's character, a man who struggled his whole life with the need to make a difference...to become a beautiful soul who was no longer interested in  playing it safe; to do the things you need to do in this life while time permits you to do so..

(Jim's struggle is quite different as he wrestles all the time with" to retire or to not retire", Nighy's "Mr. Williams" character had bigger fish to fry.)

It was a movie I respected, and I see why it's getting recognition, but I didn't get that much out of it on a personal level.  I did love how the filmmakers made the decision to give the movie a "look" of the 1950's--the decade the story takes place in.  Everything from

the cinematography to the rolling credits reminded me of a time I'd watch movies like this on a portable black and white set in my parent's home.

We agreed much more on our night time pick:  

How could we not see a movie about the GOAT?  How could we not love a tale about the lengths octagenarians will go through to see Tom Brady in the Super Bowl?

Unless GOAT stands for "Grossly Obnoxious And Tedious"..don't waste your money and the  time you're never going to get back.

"Eighty for Brady"..this lady hate-y!

Seriously, I expected it to be dumb and pretentious and silly, but not at a level this bad.

Three of the four principles need to return their Oscars, Lily Tomlin should give up her nomination.

OK..I'm being harsh.  These actresses still need to earn a paycheck, but I hate the idea that this debacle might be the last in the filmographies for any of them.

It's getting a lot of positive reviews from fans on line..fans who probably still crochet doilies for their toilet paper rolls and wear feathered hats to church bingo: fans who think jokes about aging and plastic surgery are hilarious: fans who think tears are earned over schmaltzy, ridiculous speeches that supposedly motivate Tom Brady to bring his New England Patriots to a Super Bowl victory in 2017.

The thing is, this movie had potential since it's based on a real story.  

Why not tell THAT story?  Maybe take creative license and embellish their journey, like a "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" for grannies? 

The most important lesson I got(and remembered) from a screenwriting class I took in college was this:  Your story can be IMPOSSIBLE(and include things like flying dragons) but it cannot be IMPROBABLE, and there wasn't a single step taken in this stupid film that seemed  even remotely probable.

We were probably the youngest people in the theater, so I expect criticism from anyone who was there last night and is reading this, as much as I expect exposure from their  Covid germs.

I think I have to avoid the Big Screen for awhile.

"Ginny and Georgia" are begging me to come join them for the remaining nine episodes of Season Two, and I think I'll accept their invitation.

But I won't be wearing my #12 Jersey when I do...

Georgia (and Ginny) on my mind

For those of you who have been sharing living  quarters under a rock with me when it comes to  pop culture news, (a pop rock?) don't wait as long as I did to crawl out  from under it and please  listen to what everyone on Facebook has been shouting about  for weeks now:

Before I get specific, let me apologize for that forced metaphor.  I am not exactly  hiding under a rock about pop culture, more like I'm as stubborn as one, a rock,  when it comes to heeding recommendations in a timely fashion.

Everything, everywhere, all at once(gotcha!! no..not the Oscar forerunner for Best Picture)  my Facebook friends have been highly touting  Netflix's "Ginny and Georgia"..and oh man, are they ever spot on!!

Just finished Season One and it is magnificent.

It's suspenseful and it's hilarious and it's demented and it's addictive.

A little bit "Dead to Me" and a little bit more "Gilmore Girls."

Critics have compared "Ginny and Georgia" a LOT to "Gilmore Girls"--mostly because it's set in a fictional picturesque New England town and the main story centers around a woman and her teenage daughter, who is the age the woman was when she birthed her.

Ginny and Georgia share a lot more than alliterative names with Lorelai and Lorelai(aka "Rory") Gilmore, they share a love/hate relationship and a crazy cast of characters as well.

"Ginny and Georgia" is like "Gilmore Girls" on acid..darker,  crazier..but just as hip. 

 They're just as concerned about the love lives of each other, and they're all natural born wits who can master pages of rapid-fire dialogue, and they're all pop-culture savvy with lots of kooky friends.

Lorelai and Rory have bigger appetites: Ginny and Georgia have bigger secrets.

Wellsbury Massachusetts has a lot more social climbing snobs, a lot more evil,  a little less cliques, a little less characters of size (who did not apologize for their sizes) than those who inhabited the sleepy town of Stars Hollow, Connecticut.

"Gilmore Girls" is my favorite show of all time..nothing comes close, but the comparisons to "Ginny and Georgia" don't come out of left field.

The chemistry between the leads is superb.

 I can't imagine what the writers have in store for Season Two.

I promise, Facebook friends, to listen to your recommendations more seriously and more quickly  from now on because you are all right, as usual.

These days, I have little but Georgia on my mind.