I have about two to three dozen functioning brain cells left in this ole cranium of mine: more when it comes to solving the bonus puzzle on "Wheel of Fortune."
Jim has a BA in Engineering from U of Michigan and a masters degree from Stanford. (in engineering as well)
And yet..and yet...
We still thought it was a good idea to treat ourselves to a few hours of high camp humor that we expected from "Cocaine Bear."
We must have been smoking crack before we left the house tonight..
First of all, we were the only people in the packed theater over thirty and not under the influence.
Second, we should have realized something was wrong when Jim's recliner was broken and even 'though he was offered a full refund, which he declined, he didn't ask for a refund after seeing "Cocaine Bear."
Which he should have.
The theater is darkened and the previews are on when a cop appears out of nowhere, ordering a group of seemingly high teenagers in working recliner chairs to my right to immediately leave, which they did. (temporarily)
Jim turns to me and asks me why they were ejected from the theater as 'though I had inside information, as 'though I possibly had more inside scoop.
I dunno..were they kicked out because they spiked the buttery popcorn topping and made it taste sickening and slimy and gooey?
Oh..wait...that's not their fault.
Did they try to sneak in a marsupial on meth?
Did they greet us at the door and not warn us to avoid seeing this movie at all cost?
The movie starts and within five minutes we wanted to leave, but then the posse returns, taking up almost a full row of seats next to mine.
One of 'em made a joke about "Da Bear!" while the others laughed as 'though he was the first person ever to imitate John Goodman's imitation of an old SNL episode that wasn't even funny the first time it was said.
One of 'em mumbled something about the size of the bear's arms, which made me think of my favorite motto, one I coined personally about plus-sized women and their right to bare arms.
Another cop shows up, ordering the posse to leave and I was really scared of what they might do next, and then the fear turned to jealousy because they got to walk out of this movie fifteen minutes in..
Once again, Jim quizzed me about why they were being ejected from the theater and once again, I told him I hadn't a clue.
Ray Liotta shows up in his first scene, the poor fellow, who was way too good, too much of a good fella, too good of an actor to have this be his curtain call.
Hey..I'm the first to admit, I LIKE crazy campy movies.
This is the second movie I've seen this year when an animal tries to ingest sawed off human fingers, but at least in the Oscar-nominated "The Banshees of Inisherin" when Colin Farrell's character says, "my donkey choked on one of your cut off fingers so I have to burn your house down" the laughs were genuinely earned.
Elizabeth Banks has directed some memorable movies before, but I think she gets more credible dramatic performances out of her evil "Whammy guys" when she hosts "Press Your Luck" then she did out of the CGI, coked-up bear.
This movie could have been over in ten minutes if she just had been smart enough to cast Leonardo DiCaprio, who would have done something "irreverent" and saved us some movie bucks.
Somebody needs to take away the well deserved Emmy awards won by Keri Russell and her " The Americans" co-star, esteemed character actress Margo Martindale(yes, I've been watching "BoJack Horseman") because of this debacle.
What were they thinking??
What some actresses won't do on a line of coke...task, tsk...
OK..you've read what I have to say, so go see this movie at your own risk.
Jim thought "Eighty for Brady" was worse.
It was, but at least moviegoers sharing my row didn't get kicked out twice from that movie.
God knows they should have been.
We ALL should have been.
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