"The Phone Call--Revisited"
The Time: Morning-Present Day
The Place: ????
Fade In
ACT I SCENE I
WE HEAR THE RINGING OF A TELEPHONE, MOST LIKELY A ROTARY MODEL, AS "KAREN" (AKA "ME"), SIXTIES, DISHEVELED, RUSHES IN TO ANSWER ON THE FIFTH RING
ME: (A LITTLE BREATHLESS) Hello?
MOM: What's wrong? Why'd it take you so long to answer?
ME: Nothing's wrong! My God! We talk..what is it..once a year? You've been gone for SEVEN years, and you STILL insist something's wrong, even 'though you're not here to see it?
MOM: I SENSE it. I SENSE it in my bones. (BEAT) Thank God I wasn't cremated.
ME: Everything is totally fine Mom. (BEAT) Although..maybe that's not exactly totally true
MOM: I KNEW it. You can't hide anything from me, Karen Randi!'
ME: OK..NOW you can use both names. I don't know how much news you get where you are, but some racist ruined the "Karen" part.
MOM: So I was right! Something IS wrong. (BEAT) You and Jim had a fight..
ME: Why is that your go to place? Couples fight--we're a couple. He leaves shoes all over the house: I leave lights on in rooms I'm not in. We have words. We get over it
MOM: So if you're not mad at Jim..then who?
ME: No one! (BEAT) Everyone. I'm in a funky pandemic funk. I do nothing but tell callers from a company called "Exotic Birds" that I don't care what they think about renewing my credit card. I sort junk mail, I try to get rid of unwanted spam on the computer and unwanted spam in the refrigerator. And unwanted hair everywhere. I can't even do my job--singers can't sing when they're masked.
MOM: That doesn't sound great.
ME: Jim works from the upstairs office while I am isolated. I haven't even driven a car in months.
MOM: I lived that way for thirty seven years. (BEAT) How's Evan?
ME: He's doing great. Moved out last spring. Doing well professionally and socially.
MOM: That kid never liked me.
ME: Not true. You're the grandparent he remembers. He thinks about you and cracks up.
MOM: But I always had trouble talking to him
ME: That's 'cause you didn't try
MOM: He only wanted to talk about sports. I knew nothing about sports.
ME: True..but you watched the news every day. You read the PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER every day. Don't you remember that time I told you to study up? That this would be a good thing to talk to Evan about? All the coverage about that player on the Philadelphia Eagles football team and all that controversy?
MOM: I remember this. I couldn't say his name.
ME: I know you couldn't. That's why I coached you. You didn't HAVE to remember"Terrell Owens", nobody called him that. (BEAT) Remember how I instructed you to just ask about "T.O.?" and that Evan would do all the talking?
MOM: Sorta...
ME: I told you, "all you have to say when you get into the car is, "Evan..what do you think about T.O? T.O..T.O..T.O...
Mom: Isn't that what I said?
Me: Nope..you got in the car and said, "Tell me your opinion about "O.T."
MOM: Oh yeah..
ME: I miss family vacations. Like the ones in Maine and Virginia Beach.
MOM: I don't. I'd always get constipated.
ME: Don't they have bidets where you are? They solve every geriatric issue, including that
MOM: I don't like to talk about BM..
ME:..Oh..come on!
MOM: I don't know if they have bidets. We're like the house on "The Brady Bunch." We have showers--and sinks with mirrors if you need to brush your hair one hundred times daily--(BEAT) Some of the yentas from my building wound up here. Some still have hair. And they love to talk about Carmella.
ME: I'll assume you mean Kamala Harris, our new Vice President
MOM: Yes, Carmella. I like her. She's pretty.
ME: You'd LOVE her because of who she is, not what she looks like.
MOM: I read all about her. She married a Jew who was bar mitzvahed the same place Evan was. (BEAT) I hope Doug Emhoff wound up with more than one hour of blank tape.
ME: Yeah..on days like this I'd love to see that video. You were like a glittery peacock, beaming on that bima with your two sons.
MOM: Oh..and while we're on the subject of famous Jews..guess who I ran into last week? Here's your hint: She's short. She's sassy. She's Jewish.
ME: That could be anyone--including you
MOM: She was at a JOWLS event
ME: JOWLS?
MOM: "Jews: Our Women Love Sass"--that's right, Karen Randi, I met the notorious RZB!
ME: RGB?
MOM: That's what I said!
ME: No you didn't but never mind..if you know her, I have a pretty good feeling about where you are.
MOM: I want to bedazzle her collar with butterflies and daisies
ME: Of course you do
Mom: Wanna hear my poem that I wrote about her? (BEAT) "There once lived a gal on The Court/So fair and so brilliant and short!/We'll never forget/every challenge she met/that was faced with a clever retort.
ME: I like it, Mom! I also found out that her mother's maiden name was Amster!
Mom: Where's you hear that? My Face? Intercourse?
ME: Facebook. Internet.
MOM: I'll ask her if there's a family link. Aunt Ruby and I are going with her to the opera next week
ME: Wow..you're lucky!
MOM: I'm lucky that I'm not on your planet anymore?
ME: You're lucky that you can still go to the opera with other spirits. You probably have musicals, and plays, and comedy shows..Football stadiums for Dad
MOM: Where he can watch "T.O." play..see?? I KNEW I knew it!
ME: We have none of those things anymore.
MOM: Well darling daughter..why aren't you doing something about this? You should be getting ready for the time that audiences come back. You need to buckle down and WRITE
ME: I know
MOM: And lose weight
ME: I know
MOM: And call your family more
ME: I know
MOM: And exercise something other than that mouth of yours.
ME: I know
MOM: And turn off lights when you leave a room. It aggravates Jim
ME: I know
MOM: And you have to do something with your hair. It's so wild now you can scrub pans with it. And do something with those eyebrows.
ME: I know. (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Next year, she's getting the same old same old. The " I can't believe it's been eight years ! cliche
ME: And why are you spending so much money on books you don't read? You need to eat more kale
ME: I know
MOM: I KNOW you know..you need to..
ME: I'm hanging up now. Send my regards to RBG..Speak to you next year.
FADE TO BLACK
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