Wicked Karen

This is what it is in a nutshell:

There has never been a bigger fan of "The Wizard of Oz" than me.

I know every line, every camera movement, every dirty double entendre in the script  and I've known about them  since the first time it appeared on TV in the 60's.  

My friends and I would reenact every scene from memory, since it was only shown once a year and there was no way to record it.

I wrote an OZ satire at summer camp and a schmaltzy, stupid version with campy, Catskill-style humor called "The Wizzellah" when I was in my twenties, where  the plot revolved around obtaining the perfect matzo ball recipe instead of the witches' broomstick.  I created  every offensive stereotype you can imagine but I  still had hours of fun  recording table reads with various casts of drunken friends  throughout a decade or two.

I even begged my exhausted Mom to have another child, when I was a bratty ten year old,  because I wanted a sister that I'd name  Dorothy.

I wanted her pigtails and gingham dresses, but I settled for coloring books, and growing up to be an adult who'd write parodies to Wizard of  Oz songs instead.

Having said all that, I was beyond excited to hear that some brilliant superfans and producers  were combining my two greatest loves in life besides salsa and chips:  Producers were making a MUSICAL with an OZ theme.

I learned every lyric to "Popular" and "Defying Gravity" because I could never get a ticket to the sold out Broadway show and in 2017..I finally got to see it..in all its spectacular glory--on the Lonson stage.

And I was..well..mad. 

 Irrationally, inexplicably mad.

"They messed with perfection!" I told Jim in my faux British accent that I picked up during our two day stay in the U.K..

He loved the show, especially seeing it in London, and he couldn't understand my objection.

"I just want Glinda to be Glinda and the Wicked Witch to be something my brothers called me when they were mad at me,!" I screamed.  "I didn't want..nor did I need.. nor does any fan need..a backstory!"

"But those sets??  And those flying monkeys?" Jim was practically begging me to be reasonable.

"I don't care!"..I don't care about Elphaba! If they have to mess with the Wicked Witch of the West's character, then make her into a disgruntled housewife named Cora who can't sell enough Maxwell House Coffee"

Which brings us to tonight, where we saw the film version, where I could hear the lyrics more clearly  than I could when they were sung on  the London stage, where I tried to predict which clip they'll show when the film and Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo get their Oscar  nominations and...

I still felt the same way, even after loving the movie. 

 Even after recommending it.

This was very science-fictiony, very "Star Wars" meets "Harry Potter" and all I wanted was to hear a girl on a farm singing "Over the Rainbow"..and wondering why her parents abandoned her.

 Why her dog grabbed a hot dog from a strange man in a trailer park.

I would have loved this movie had it been stand alone..it's awesome.

But I just don't want a prequel...It ruined my dream.

And more important, it ruined Dorothy's dream.

Elphaba isn't supposed to be someone's college roommate..she's nasty old Miss Gulch who rides a bike and keeps kidnapped cairn terriers in baskets! 

She's supposed to be some over zealous vindictive nutjob who'd vote for Matt Gaetz if she lived in the real world. 

..I don't want to know that she, Elphaba,  fought for animal rights!

I just wanted her to be..a witch.

And I always thought, for the record, that Glinda was the real witch anyway. 

 A vindictive sociopath who could have sent Dorothy home immediately and avoided giving her aunt, thinking she was kidnapped by a trailer park hot dog vendor,  a near heart attack just by telling her to rub her shoes together to get back to Kansas..

The original movie was just about crazy  women fighting over shoes..something Carrie Bradshaw did in every other episode of "Sex and the City."

Hey..I dream about all kinds of scary shit nightly...but that doesn't mean I want a BACKSTORY on all the characters of my nightmares.

Why, just the other night, I dreamt that Donald Trump had been reelcted to the White House...

OK, I'll be nice.  

If you're an Oz purist, you'll feel like me and say, hey..why did they have to mess with perfection and  why did they  DOCTOR Oz??

(Nah..you wouldn't say that..you're not an idiot like me)

If you just want a super entertaining , magical night at the movies, then go see "Wicked." 

If you only had a brain, you wouldn't overthink about the plot.

If you only had a heart, you'd see this is a beautiful movie, even to someone who's never read the book by L. Frank Baum.

If you only had courage, you would have voted for Kamala Harris and you..

OK..I'll stop.

Go see "Wicked."

It's going to be quite popular at the Box Office.