Damn Yankee

I am officially a bird watcher. Not the kind that spends a year's salary on a camera to capture a rare sighting of a quetzal(now I want to play Scrabble) but of avian behavior. We arrive early at the infinity, infinity, infinity pool to be greeted by a flock of feathered friends, drinking in the sun and apparently, the contents of the infinity, infinity, infinity pool. I have the entire pool to myself--it's only 9:00 AM and the entire resort is sleeping off a collective hangover, yet pool chairs have been miraculously reserved with errant flip flops without owners. I get used to the water and then notice an avian turf war that would rival anything I've ever seen on "The Sopranos."  The brown and white bird challenged the white and brown bird to a shouting match.  Each had their own followers, trotting off in a different path. I started to laugh at the absurdity of this sight, and yes, I am paranoid, but I think they united with the sole purpose of  retaliation. Alpha A and Beta B seemed to chirp in unison:  "yo!  Bitch in the Yankees cap..why don't you mind your own business?  Are we going to laugh at YOU when you attempt to ascend the ladder and avoid a leg cramp?  STFU and leave the bird shit to us"

Even as I anthropomorphize  birds, I gotta get on my rant about small talk.  What's that real life example I've been using? Oh yeah, someone returning towels to Target and then discussing it for a half hour.  I write dialogue for angry birds more interesting than this. Now, if you're talking about returning quilts and bedspreads and comforters to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, THEN I'd listen, because it meant that you too had a psychotic poodle. 

While Jim went out to sea to snorkel and see a hundred varieties of fish, I was thinking of a hundred excuses to get out of another water aerobics class tomorrow. I did not want to be the only one at the pool(everyone sobered up by this point) who wasn't participating, but I knew I wasn't going to keep up with the flow, especially since I was so preoccupied with the anticipatipated NJ snowfall that would knock out the cable and my chance to see the season finale of "This is Us." So into the infinity, infinity, infinity pool goes I..The sexy instructor suddenly halts in mid gyration:  "hey..you!  You in the NY Yankees cap!" A dozen of us freeze in the water, until he clarifies:  "The PINK Yankees cap." I acknowledged that he could only be speaking to me. "Were you just PRETENDING to kick your right leg in that last step?" I answer:  "How can you tell if someone is cheating at water aerobics?  The action takes place beneath the surface." He asked if I had directional dyslexia(I do) but I reply:  "Listen here, you buttery hunk of brown deliciousness, be glad I'm not peeing in here!" and the woman in the BLUE Yankees cap offers:  "You mean you're not supposed to?" Class resumes and I force myself to calm down.  Jim is facing possible barracudas, I'm just trying to blend in. The beautiful brown man then instructs us to cover out chests, Pledge of Allegiance style, and then to grab our..oh, I'm not going there..Donald Trump style, but nobody seemed to mind.  Especially the woman in the blue cap..she probably was warding off defouling the infinity, infinity, infinity pool. I did not want to be expelled..I was really enjoying holding hands with wet strangers and breaking the circle, I was, But I love watching beautiful people dance and pulsate to lyrics like "my anaconda don't unless you have buns." (That is verbatim) I excused my awful behavior to everyone in the pool and told them about my earlier experience with the gangsta birds.  They all seemed to buy it. 

Jim did his thing, I did mine. (Surf, sun, pool, book)  I coaxed him into the ocean where we spoke with Irinia from Siberia, whom I referred to as Svetalana and she was offended by my stereotyping.  She was FASCINATING..has six college degrees.  She lives in suburban Philly now and was a brilliant conversationalist..and a rapid Trump supporter, which is irrelevant, because I'm obviously back in the room typing this, so nobody drowned anyone and tried to make it look like an accident or the dirty work of quetzals.

Tonight's color theme is red and black..the red is my sunburn, the black is my humor.  I am good to go and I am excited to see the Flying Trapeze show after, where I know I will be the only one not enjoying it, because I'll be too worried that a cable will snap.