ME: Wow..Evan's twenty eight! How did that happen?? Where did the time go? How could he possibly be...
MY BRAIN: (SLAPPING ME) Stop with the cliches! This is very lazy writing. You KNOW better!
ME: But..but..(gulp!) EVERYONE acknowledges their kid's birthday like this...
MY BRAIN: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
ME: ..um..probably??? (BEAT) I'm scared of you. Why can't you be an organ like my liver or stomach? They never answer back.
MY BRAIN: Time does NOT stand still. Why are you implying that it does?? That it CAN?? Can't you just send your son a birthday acknowledgement that's NORMAL? That won't embarrass him?
ME: "Maybe" to the first question.."no" to the second. (BEAT) How about: "Happy birthday to my smart, sensitive, funny, wonderf--.."
MY BRAIN: STOP THIS!!! Are you listening to me? Do you EVER listen? Stop with these platitudes..these empty adjectives!! EVERYONE writes junk like this. Don't you remember the first rule of writing?
ME: Um..to never talk about writing??
MY BRAIN: Don't make me hit you again. The first rule of writing is to SHOW, not TELL. Don't just TELL me Evan is smart without SHOWING it with a palpable example.
ME: I could show you a hundred examples.
MY BRAIN: Ugh..we're done here. You just can't listen. Why don't you repeat what you said last year? It was concise and to the point, even when you got a lot of TSDR. ("Too short, didn't read")
ME: You mean.."Evan: 27??"
MY BRAIN: Yeah..that one. Start there.
ME: Please don't slap me.. Um.".Evan:27+1????"
MY BRAIN: Look at the brains on Brett!
ME: Now you're just buttering Evan up by quoting stuff from "Fight Club" and "Pulp Fiction"
MY BRAIN: No I'm not...I actually KNOW Brett Kavanaugh's brain. (PAUSE) It's as dumb as he is.
ME: Can I go back to sleep?
MY BRAIN: Only if you say something heartfelt and smart..like I taught you.
ME: Happy birthday, Evan! Looking forward to some quality pool time and a great dinner with you and Michelle.
MY BRAIN: Thank you..my work here is done
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