Hey mom year 11

"The Phone Call"

 Time: THE PRESENT

Setting: UNKNOWN

FADE IN

ACT 1

SCENE 1

KAREN is sitting at the kitchen table, noting the date on her pocket calendar, attempting to complete--or partially complete--her daily crossword puzzles.  The ritual usually relaxes her but since the newspaper went all digital a few days ago, she struggles to adapt to the unforgiving screen and the electronic pen.  Her husband JIM is clearly losing patience with her techy ineptitude: she is in turn losing patience with him.

KAREN(SNAPPISH, TO JIM) It could be worse. You could be trying to teach my MOTHER how to use her new apps but she'd think you were talking about  hors d'oeuvres. (TELEPHONE RINGS. CALLER ID IDENTIFIES THE CALLER AS "UNKNOWN") That must be her..(KAREN PICKS UP RECEIVER)

MOM:  I didn't think you were home. (BEAT)  You picked up on the ELEVENTH ring!

KAREN:  Look at it like this..that's one ring for every year you've been gone.

MOM:  I won't complain. I'm lucky I can still remember how to use a phone.

KAREN: You're lucky you're in a place where your phone calls aren't monitored. (PAUSE) Allegedly..

MOM:  So what's new? I've only been following the complete destruction of the world Yes, I saw the wildfires and plane crashes and Elon Musk's kid wipe his dirty fingers on the President's desk.  I have a good vantage point for that, and I'll tell you, darling daughter, I'm kind of glad I left the planet when I did.

KAREN:  I'm not..you're still missed. (BEAT) What's new you say?   Tell Daddy his Eagles won the Super Bowl!

MOM:  That we know. Some fans have been lining up here since Monday morning. I guess greased traffic poles aren't going to stop a meth head.

KAREN:  I guess you heard the really BIG news around here, right?  You're gaining a new granddaughter-in-law.  Her name is Michelle.

MOM:  Mazel tov!  When is the big day?

KAREN:  Well..there's actually two big days..there's a destination wedding in the Spring, and a local one in the Fall.

MOM:  Two weddings?? To the same person?? I don't understand.

KAREN:  You don't have to understand.  But your namesake, your great granddaughter Shoshana, is going to be a beautiful flower girl in September, and her brother is going to be a ring bearer as long as the ring is a basketball.

MOM:  Sounds like his Dad at your wedding.  Remember how Scott only wanted to be a fireman?  Not a ring bearer? (BEAT)  Oh..how I wish I could be at Evan's wedding! I want to be there.

KAREN: You will be. You're always there. (BEAT) Maybe on Earth you weren't always all there, but in that funny, quirky, goofy Mom way of yours.  You'll always be there. And here. You're here and there.

MOM:  Can I..what's the word the kids use..teleport??..a wedding gift??

KAREN:  Just  your  good spirits.  (BEAT) I gotta go try to solve the Celebrity Cryptoquote with an electronic pen, so let's talk soon.

MOM: Okay.  Same time, next year.

FADE TO BLACK