as a skeptic who wished her Mom a heavenly birthday just yesterday, I've been thinking about religion a lot lately.
And not just in my usual, snarky, questioning way...I really need some answers.
Suggestions and guidelines on how to cope with the chaos in the world.
I'm not sure if this is exactly divine intervention, but SOMETHING told my brain that I can cope the way I usually cope--post something on Facebook that'll get a few likes, a few laughs, and a lot of snubs.
Today I was specifically thinking about the Ten Commandments, and how many of them I've willingly or unwillingly broken.
First of all, everyone SHOULD thank God that it was Moses, not ME, who was sent to the top of Mt. Sinai to receive those tablets.
I wheeze and huff and puff from walking up a small hill kids sled on: by the time I reached Sinai's summit I'd be hallucinating.
I can't even imagine how Christopher Plummer carried little Gretl Von Trapp up a mountain while escaping Nazis in "The Sound of Music".
Although having taken the "Sound of Music" tour while visiting Austria in 2018, I knew it was a mirage anyway, because the Swiss Alps were thousands of miles away, and little Kym K ate a lot of wiener schnitzel during filming production, so Christopher Plummer couldn't have easily lifted her and transported her up the non-existent hillside, which was reportedly alive with the sound of music.
I do obey the first commandment.
The only God I've ever put before the real one is perhaps Randy Rainbow.
The second commandment tells us not to make yourself into a carved image, but that was written long before anyone knew what I could do with glue-on googly eyes, colorful yarn, and an empty toilet paper core.
The only time I take the Lord's name in vain is when I step on Luke's half-eaten dog biscuits in the middle of the night in the pitch dark. He manages to make them into weapons, although truth be told, I drop the F-bomb, not the Lord's name in vain, most of the time when it happens.
Not sure I remember to keep the Sabbath Day holy, but I do remember most of the lyrics to "A Sabbath Prayer" from "Fiddler on the Roof"--does that count?
The next commandment tells us to honor our fathers and mothers.
This one is quite controversial. I think I honor them by making fun of all their quirks and tics: others might (rightfully!) point out that I have to learn to forgive them for smoking.
I have never committed murder, this I know for sure, except when singing "The Sabbath Prayer" from "Fiddler."
(I breathed in a lot of second-hand smoke growing up(sorry again!) my voice is not a good match for such a stirring tune.)
Have I committed adultery?
Only in my mind, with Jimmy Kimmel or Ethan Hawke, but with the latter, ONLY in the "Before" trilogy.
I HAVE violated the "Thou Shalt Not Steal" commandment.
I stole exactly three Archie comic books and two pieces of candy from a farmer's market when I was a kid, and just recently, I stole a Facebook joke, just after President Trump got banned from social media, that said "Lindsey Graham has been permanently banned from Grindr"
Oh come on..who wouldn't steal that one?
I'm not sure I've ever borne false witness against my neighbor, only because I'm not exactly sure what that is.
And I KNOW I've never coveted my neighbor's wife!
And not just because I'm cis--I don't rule out anything, but my neighbor is married to a wacko.
(He'd be more upset if I coveted his lawn mower, but that's a story for another time)
I am blasphemous and irreverent, I know this.
But I can't watch CNN anymore--I'm still so shaken by the image of monsters smearing our capitol's walls with their disgusting bodily fluids and solids, so if this is a coping mechanism, I'm going to cope.
It's either sarcasm or I try to scale a mountain, and I figured only one of those options would actually land me in the ER.
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