SQUARE-all

"The Phone Call--Revisited"

THE TIME:  PRESENT DAY.

THE PLACE: Karen's Couch

                   "Unknown"

FADE IN:

ACT I, SCENE I

THE SCENE OPENS WITH A DISHEVELED KAREN, SPRAWLED OUT ON THE SOFA, FINGERING THE CLIP THAT SHE HOPES WILL TEMPORARILY STRAIGHTEN HER FRESHLY SHAMPOOED BANGS. SHE IS HOLDING THE REMOTE CONTROL WITH HER FREE HAND, VISIBLY ANNOYED WHEN THE TELEPHONE RINGS WITH A CALLER I.D. OF "UNKNOWN", REALIZING THAT IN ORDER TO ANSWER THE CALL, THE ONE SHE ANSWERS YEARLY ON THIS DAY, SHE'D NEED TO PUT DOWN EITHER THE HAIR CLIP OR THE REMOTE. SHE OPTS FOR THE LATTER, SIGHING DEEPLY.

MOM:  What took you so long?

KAREN:  I'm working on my hair.

MOM:  That's more important than talking to me?

KAREN:  ..Kinda...

MOM:  Can you believe it's been a decade since I drew my last breath?

KAREN: Can YOU  believe that..unless you're Maxwell Smart, I don't like sentences that begin this way, because..of COURSE I believe it.  The clock moves.  Unlike your lazy daughter today.

MOM:So why don't you like talking on the phone?

KAREN: Because I'm living in the 2020's??  Would you consider texting?

MOM:  I think I'd text like YOU text. (BEAT) Which means you wouldn't understand a thing I was saying.

KAREN: (UNDERBREATH) Yeah..That'd be a first. (LOUDER) It's called AUTOCORRECT, Mom, and it makes you write things you had no intention of writing.

MOM:  Yes..I remember when you tried to tell me that my great grandson tossed sliced bananas to a squirrel and it came out as sliced babies to a squirrel.

KAREN:  Oh..how I've missed the way you pronounce "squirrel."

MOM:  What do I say?

KAREN:  "SQUARE-all"

MOM:  No I don't. I say it just like you do. "SQUARE-all." 

KAREN:  I guess you want an update since we last spoke..hmm..let's see...Scott and Miriam gave you another great-grandchild..Asher, he's adorable and turns one year old in a few weeks. His middle name is Daddy's Hebrew name, and he laughs when I sing, "Oh I wish I were an Asher Mayer Levson...That is what I truly want to be"

MOM: You've been making up song parodies your whole life..

KAREN:  Oh!  And Evan has a wonderful girlfriend, Michelle..

MOM:  Mazel tov, mazel tov! 

KAREN: And we've taken some nice vacations since we last chatted. We even went to Graceland last spring. (BEAT)  Have you seen Elvis?  Wait..it doesn't matter if you did or not.  Oh, guess what?  After eighteen years, Jim and I went back to Maine!

MOM:  The water was too cold.

KAREN:  Yes, but look at all those happy memories we made there. Riding the trolleys, touring the quaint shops in Perkins Cove, you squirting Jim's shirt as you tried to eat a lobster with the right lobster cracker...The tool, not the carb for your bisque.

MOM:  I can't remember..did we ever see a moose?

KAREN:  Nope! No moose, no square-all.

MOM:  That sounds nice. We did make wonderful, cold memories there.  So, darling daughter, tell me..have you lost any weight?

KAREN:  Nope!  Didn't lose weight. Didn't lose my mind. Didn't lose my will to live.  (BEAT) I should get back to my hair...

MOM:  Anything I can do before we hang up?

KAREN:  Yes.  One thing. If you run into any non-livings who started life in Wisconsin, Michigan, Georgia, Arizona, or Pennsylvania, convince them to haunt the dreams of their friends and relatives unless they vote in a way that'll save democracy.  It's so important.  They need to be fully informed BEFORE

 November 5th.

MOM:  That's your thirty-fifth anniversary to Jim, God bless him!

KAREN:  I'm glad you remembered. Say hi to Daddy..and Elvis..and all those sweet dogs who crossed over the rainbow bridge..See you later.

 Same time, next year.

FADE TO BLACK