The High Sees

​I’ve missed you,Belmar beach!!

Finally back.. it’s hazy. 

It’s cloudy. 

It’s empty. 

But there’s an ocean breeze.

And parking was a breeze. 

It’s not hot at all, but if it was hot, I’d be non-stop complaining about how hot it is. 

And if it gets hot,we’re thirty minutes away from our pool.

And seven seconds away from the actual ocean, but you know me.. I’m irrational and I’m high maintenance. 

A deadly combo.

And  a deadly combo is what I’ll order for lunch because we’re here, damnit!    

And I don’t care if I’m not hungry or not hot, I’m braving the waves  and giving Joey Chestnut a run for  his money. 

It’s just a matter of time,

Wanna bet I still don’t open my kindle??

This is not funny. 

Not all my blogs are funny, even the ones that are supposed to be funny.

This is the unfunniest.

This is the Carrot Top of Karen  Amster blogs. 

I needed my beach fix today.. desperately.

The sun is peeking through the haze. 

The sunscreen smells intoxicating, like it always does. 

We split a Philly cheesesteak and ignored the rude seagulls begging for morsels.

We return to our comfy, high back chairs and the sun finally feels strong. 

The waves look gentle and the kids are frolicking.

Perfect time for them to frolic and for me to.. let’s just say.. get rid of  some of the pink lemonade we shared at lunch like we were freakin’ Danny Zukko and Sandy Olsen. 

We’re holding hands like teenagers.. teenagers where the guy yells at the girl to grab the arm that wasn’t damaged in that fall in early June.

But the girl is dyslexic and mixing up the good arm from the not so good arm.

The waves ate the girl  ( aka  “me”) up like her mom would  eat a whole  plastic pumpkin full of Snickers bars before a single trick-or-treater arrived on Halloween night.

I was a dryer sheet in the tumble cycle. 

I didn’t get to answer Nature’s Call. 

And my glasses are gone for good. 

The ones I’m too vain to wear in photos. 

So if I’m typing complete illegible gibberish today, well.. how is this day any different than any other day??

A lifeguard pulled me up. 

Jim strained a muscle pulling me up.

I begged the lifeguard to look for my glasses, but I think he snickered at me. 

I’m not sure if a seagull just hobbled by or a penguin. 

It might have been a nun. 

I cannot see a freaking thing. 

But….

I got my beach fix!!

I probably have a spare pair at home.. but I’m going to need my glasses to find them.

And no, I’m not posting video of a myopic me trying to make my way back to the car. 

Unless you really want to see it. 

Rub it in, bitches.. the fact that you can still see because YOUR glasses aren’t at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

As my  every day glasses enjoy their burial at sea today, I am frustrated beyond belief.

Yes.. I found spares. 

Old pairs of them.

In hard, soft, and impossible to open cases. 

Probably  more than a half a dozen or so, hiding in my handbag, top drawer in my end table, even  in an old beach bag.

( I never denied being a hopeless hoarder) 

The issue  is.. ever since we drove home from the beach , as I admired all the blobs and blurry landmarks that dotted the highway , I tried on all the spares and it’s turned into one long and horrifying day at the ophthalmologist.  

( and screw you, autocorrect!! I knew how to spell that without your interference!)

What’s better?? 

The opaque frames or the pinkish ones?

Are images clearer with the oval lenses or the rectangles?

A or B??

I have no freaking idea!! 

They ALL give me very clear/ very unclear vision. 

I have no idea what’s the better option and it’s too much pressure to force me to choose the best pair.

They’re all great.

They’re all awful.

I’ve never seen this clearly and poorly at the same time. 

Any volunteers to dive into the cold waters between nineteenth and sixteenth streets in Belmar to find my original frames??

You know, the ones Jim krazy-glued a few months ago when a lens went AWOL without warning?? 

I can’t see too well out of them either, but at least I was familiar with them. 

I can’t read small text with them or subtitles in movies theaters where I fall asleep, but at least they were… there. 

I’m going to change glasses as much as most people change underwear this week. 

Hopefully, nobody will notice..