Beer and expired bologna

So how's your Mother's Day going so far?

I am so sick of my perverted poodle, who I am certain is the reincarnation of an FOC.

(Friend of Caligula)

Most couples are concerned that their active sex lives are disturbing  their dog's well being/sleep when the marital bed is a shared one, but in this house, that mangy little bastard licks an exposed elbow or kneecap so aggressively that you'll never convince me that he and Harvey Weinstein don't share the same definition of "foreplay."

And then, when he's nice and aroused,  he starts to aggressively hump and tear the sheets until I have to wake up a grumpy husband who has to douse him with a water bottle. 

Watch..we're gonna  get a citation from the ASPCA.

That was last night, yesterday was no day at the beach either.

Evan came for a visit, insisting his long hair(that I think gives him a Zac Efron vibe) was really bothering him, so Jim volunteered to trim it.

I begged them to go outside since I had just mopped the floors in the hall, but they did not.

Afterward, it looked like a scene out of "Sweeney Todd" but with hair instead of blood. 

 They swept it up as best as they could. and the haircut itself just proved that all of us have NO CHOICE but to wait 'til salons legally open again, but..

..fast forward to today, Mother's Day, when Jim needed me to hop in the shower upon awakening so I'd be fresh and clean and ready to answer all his questions when he donned the HazMet suit and ventured out to Stop n Shop.

Let me make this part clear:  I LOVE Jim and I appreciate that he is willing to do this horrible chore, but  he shops like a HUSBAND.

Like an analytical engineer.

Like someone who had a bachelor pad filled with nothing but beer and expired bologna before we met.

Students writing a masters thesis aren't as thorough and as researched  as I need to be when writing a shopping list.  

I just want to scream:

"I don't care if they're gluten-free..just get something!!  I can't answer the phone anymore!"

(The chocolate chip cookies weren't as bad as you'd expect them to be, but the adventure leading up to the outing was)

Bear with me.

So Jim is getting ready for his pilgrimage to Stop n Shop n Panic n Ask Your Wife Who Normally Shops a Question Every Twenty Seconds,  and I'm getting ready for my day to start, when I notice that the shower I had thoroughly scrubbed just yesterday was coated with the remains from Evan's "haircut" yesterday.

Don't get me wrong, I like that he stayed over and  I wanted him to be comfortable using our shower, but if Jim had cut OUTSIDE like I asked(ORDERED!!) him to, I would have had a shower that was ready for me as Jim put on his protective gear.

I decided to let all the loose hair drain (he's not Don King..how was there so much of it??) which only made things worse..and clogged.

So now Jim is panicking that the store will be out of things like MEAT and PINEAPPLE SPEARS and gluten-free crap, and he's fretting that we are screwed, that we won't find a plumber during the pandemic, and all the yelling wakes up Evan who thinks  he's the source of strife and doesn't want to come back(he's not) and I'm worried that the towel I'm wrapped in isn't sufficient and will traumatize Evan but turn on the poodle, and Jim is trying to find solutions of the Internet while having a melt down in the gear, and I'm screaming (in my head!) 

"I should be attending a Broadway show!  I should be WRITING a Broadway show! It's FREAKIN' MOTHER"S DAY"..!!!

Jim boils some water, almost scalds the pot, leaves the pot on the stove, but yes, the hair and water finally were drained..like my enthusiasm and Jim's energy.

First world problems.

Everyone is busily posting prom pictures, and I keep thinking about my prom, and the asshole who escorted me who said he "couldn't go to an after party with me because I was too ugly."

(I'm not reposting my HS pic--you've all seen it--but to think of all the Karens out there who lost their virginity to sociopaths like this makes me shudder.)

I am so glad I stayed intact..and stayed away from creeps like this.

(For the next few days, anyway)

No wonder Carrie set her prom on fire.