This is a no-brainer:
MY BRAIN: Whoa! Wait a minute..(BEAT) I'M seriously not invited? Someone started this post with "no-brainer" so I'm assuming I'M..(BEAT) SNUBBED??
ME: Yep. (BEAT) You're excluded. I want to wish my wonderful husband a happy sixty ninth..
MY BRAIN: (Giggling) You said "69!"
ME: See? That's why you're not invited. I don't need your juvenile humor today..or your criticism if I use a cliche. I just want to keep this short and sweet and on point.. Happy birthday to..(BEAT)
MY HEART: (FORCEFULLY SHOVING "MY BRAIN" ASIDE) Can I come instead? (BEAT) Huh? (BEAT) Can I? Can I? Can I?(BEAT BEAT BEAT)
ME: Sure..because YOU never give me grief, unless I force you to run up a steep incline.
MY HEART: I only do that because I care. (BEAT) Not as much as that fair-weather MY BRAIN does(BEAT) But at least I TRY...And I'm capable of LISTENING. (BEAT) So let me hear what you have to say to your husband...
ME: Thank you, Jim Amster, for judging me by the size of MY HEART(BEAMING WIDELY) and MY BRAIN(SULKING QUIETLY) and not the size of my THIGHS. (THIGHS ARE JOINED TOGETHER, AS USUAL, CONSOLING EACH OTHER, MIFFED THAT THEY AREN'T INVITED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS POST EITHER, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY'RE NOT CONSIDERED TO BE A VITAL ORGAN (S))
ME: (CONTINUED) Thank you for making me laugh every day, even when I'm yelling at you. Have a wonderful birthday!
MY HEART: Nice job, ME. You kept it relatively short and sweet today. And thanks for letting me take center stage. MY BRAIN can be Sooooooo judgmental! I'm just FUN....especially on birthdays! Aren't I more fun than an ordinary, cliche-ridden card!!???(iologist appointment??)
MY BRAIN: (SCOFFS) Can't I interject? Just to put an end to stupid puns like than and.....
MY HEART: (BEAT) Not today, my friend..not today. We owe it to Karen. We owe it to JIM....(BEAT BEAT BEAT) Happy birthday!!
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