Happy anniversary to my better half! My partner in crime! I can't believe it's been thirty four years since....
MY BRAIN: (RUDELY) No...,no..just..NO!! Don't you dare! I'm stopping you right there before you embarrass the BOTH of us!
ME: Oh..(BEAT) It's YOU again. (SCOFF)
MY BRAIN: That's right, it's ME again. Do you think I'd sit idly by and watch you post the same cliches that boring, unimaginative people send to their spouses? I was just waiting for you to say something like, "it's been a..ROLLER COASTER!! We've had our ups and downs!" ( Just in case you don't know what a roller coaster is and you didn't get the overused metaphor?)
ME: You didn't even give me a chance to TRY to be creative..(ON THE VERGE OF TEARS)
MY BRAIN: All that lazy, uninspired cliched writing. God woman, where would you be without me?
ME: (SHRUGGING) Calmer? Less paranoid? More disciplined??
MY BRAIN: I haven't had to scold you since JULY, when you tried to post generic crap for your only child's birthday..Good thing I was't preoccupied with some trivial nonsense that day..the kind you usually subject me to...
ME: That's not fair. You KNOW, as the lone occupant of my skull, that my son would have been perfectly content with a simple acknowledgement, a general "happy birthday"
MY BRAIN: But that's not good enough for ME and I'M in control here..not your spleen, not your pancreas..ME!
ME: You're not the only organ I answer to, you know..
MY BRAIN: (SCOFFS) Why do I bother? I'm there for you when you try to do the daily WORDLE, I'm always there for you during the bonus spin on "Wheel of Fortune"..and THIS is the thanks I get?? Am I chopped liver? I mean, I know I LOOK like chopped liver, but does that give you the right to use cliches? Like I just did, but I did it for dramatic effect!! Do you think your stomach or heart would tolerate this level of neglect and abuse?
ME: Obviously..they wouldn't...
MY BRAIN: You'd never put your LIVER under such scrutiny. Your SPLEEN doesn't have to be your chaperone every single moment you're awake...
ME: You are so scary....
MY BRAIN: You could do worse. I could make you care about things like Keto diets..
ME: Can I at least call Jim and me the "dynamic duo?"
MY BRAIN: I wouldn't. And don't let me decide if it's "Jim and I" or "Jim and ME" this early in the day..I do my best work at NIGHT. LATE at NIGHT! The 2:00 AM of NIGHT!!
ME: Can I just write a few poems or rhymes?
MY BRAIN: I don't know..can you??
ME: Oh my God..You're such a bitch!!
MY BRAIN: Who didn't even bother to make you rich...
ME: Leave the rhyming to ME..you stay in your own sphere. (CLEARS THROAT) OK...here goes:
How about.."We survived Covid and Superstorm Sandy..or times when you ate all the Halloween candy?"
MY BRAIN: That's okay but still cliched. EVERYONE makes "jokes" about denting the Halloween candy before the holiday..
ME: Would you be okay with.."You tolerate my bullshit and you say I'm never boring? I ask Alexa nightly to help silence all your snoring?"
MY BRAIN: That's mean and you cursed. Do better.
ME: Really??
MY BRAIN: Yeah..and it smacks of conceit too. Let OTHERS tells you you're not boring. You don't have to brag. That makes you nothing more than a blagger..the braggy blogger you are always making fun of
ME: Do you like.."You really love my cooking..'though I lie about the butter? I love everything about YOU but you gotta watch the clutter?"
MY BRAIN: Better..but still not original. (BEAT) You've shared Jim's sloppiness on Facebook before. MANY times before..although this might be a first 'cause you confessed you use a lot of butter when preparing those wonderful dinners.
ME; It makes everything better!
MY BRAIN: Not to your health-conscious husband but it's your anniversary so I'll let it slide.
ME: How about this one? I just thought of this: "I may not be a fashion plate..but you make me ...feel classy? You don't mind what I just ate..unless it makes me gassy?"
MY BRAIN: OK..Finally! Something UNIQUE! My work here is done.
ME: Uh..thanks???
MY BRAIN: It's long..but satisfying.
ME: That's what she said:)
MY BRAIN: Now you're doing sitcom cliches?? I need to get back to "The Office." Let's wrap things up..I could use a nap.
ME: OK..I'm looking forward to celebrating with my favorite Jimmy...
MY BRAIN: Jimmy Kimmel has other plans today..
ME: Eff off, brain! You KNEW who I meant!! Dinner with MY Jimmy..and my son..and his wonderful girlfriend..
MY BRAIN: You are exasperating..but my job here is done. Enjoy your big celebration in Cancun! And don't drink the water!!
No comments:
Post a Comment