Goodbye Columbus

​“Goodbye, Columbus” was one of the funniest movies my parents ever took me to, in the summer of ‘69.

The second funniest movie they took me to later that year was “The Out of Towners” starring Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis,  a story about two innocent Buckeyes, and their terrible misadventures while  traveling from  a small town in Ohio to NYC.

Life imitates art tonight. 

I now present to you; “Karen and Jim attempt to fly to Ohio!”

( Part One.)

We’ve been looking forward to this weekend’s  wedding,  hosted by our favorites cousins,  since the kids announced their engagement late last August.

It was kismet: we booked our flight out of Newark, New Jersey,  to fly to Columbus, Ohio, a half hour ride from the wedding venue in.. I kid you not, Newark, Ohio. 

We booked a full day before festivities were to begin, in case of a “ delay” that we just KNEW wasn’t going to happen, just like we KNEW the occupant of the White House was ABSOLUTELY going to be one Kamala Harris.

Guess who’s not in Ohio??

(Kamala’s probably not, but she wasn’t supposed to be. )

I’m all set for this wedding, right? 

Beautiful new dress, matching clutch and shoes and earrings. 

I hit a  little snag when trying to make a  last minute hair appointment on Saturday for that evening’s affair, but eleven salons that I called close at noon on Saturdays, and most establishments had no landlines. 

No biggie.. my hair didn’t have to be great.  

I’m a cousin, not as essential member of the bridal party. 

Evan and Michelle are very smart.

Be like Evan and Michelle.

Drive those eight hours.. stop in Hershey for unique chocolates.. make it a fun  overnight getaway!! 

Be there in time with access to a car!! 

We ARE having fun, as in the stuff that makes black comedies box office gold kind of fun. 

Moments before our taxi arrived for an airport pickup, Jim lets out a scream that could have awoken the dead. 

“Our flight’s been delayed.. two hours!” He yells, inconsolably. 

We got in the cab and decided to make the best of it. 

Some travelers sit on the tarmac for two hours for goodness sakes.. .. we are resourceful and would find the silver lining. 

Ten minutes into the cab ride, Jim gets a text that it’s now been delayed another hour.. which meant a two AM arrival in Ohio.

We were ok.. until he gets two quick texts in succession:

1. your flight is now scheduled to depart at ten PM followed by..

2. Your  flight has been cancelled!!

We were moments away from Newark airport, crippled with indecision:

Do we spend another hundred dollars to Uber back  home? 

Do we find a customer service rep who can help??

Hah!!

The latter doesn’t exist!

You have to call someone, and be prepared to wait an hour until someone picks up.

Do we try to get a train? Rent a car? Charter a helicopter?

I called my friend in the city, who lives nowhere near La Guardia, hoping she could put us up, but all she had was an air mattress and no strength to blow it up. 

This flight is normally  just shy of two hours.. and it was turning into a Red Eye. 

It took less time  and inconveniences to fly to Barcelona!!

The agent was giving us all kinds of options, each worse than the next. 

“ we could put you on a late afternoon flight to Washington tomorrow, but you’d have to change airlines and identifies and there’s no guarantee you won’t wind up going to that fancy wedding in your sweaty jeans and tees.”

The agent was giving Jim all kinds of terrible choices, but by the time he discussed them with me, they were no longer available.

WTF??!!

That conversation/ consultation with me was under a minute!! 

This Karen needed to talk to a manager and needed to talk to one as soon as possible before she’d be on the national news. 

So here’s where are now:

In the sleaziest hotel we’ve ever been to, a mile from La Guardia airport. 

The room has sketchy air conditioning and bullet holes on the elevator  door. 

The curtains have what one can only hope are holes from nothing more harmful than a common moth. 

We are hearing sirens, and we are smelling a combination of cigarettes and Dunkin’ Donuts, a rather unseemly one,  but it was our only food option because it’s right across the broken glass covered parking lot. 

I hadn’t been to this establishment, DD,  in years.. and I now know why. 

Our room key didn’t work when we returned from that nauseating repast, but the night clerk  sensed our problem, and ran up two flights  of steps to let us in. 

He blamed the lockout on cell phones. 

We are booked though!

On a flight!! 

Tomorrow morning!! 

Middle seats, separate rows, back of the plane, but hey.. we’re going to Chicago!! 

And then rushing to another gate for our connecting flight to Columbus!

“Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”  has nothing on us. 

This motel makes a Motel Six look like the Taj  Mahal ( the kindest  Google review said to just “ use it for the bathroom and sleep in your car!” ) but we are troopers!!

If the bride and groom or their families are reading this, rest assured:

Do not stress!! 

We love you!

We will be at that beautiful wedding and we’ll all have a huge laugh about it without stealing your spotlight. 

I promise. 

You are worth every one of these obstacles that have been tossed our way. 

But if I miss something like homemade brownies at tomorrow night’s dessert reception, United Airlines is going to pay a lot more that the cost of our flea bag  hotel and Uber!!

I’ll keep you updated.. thanks for letting me be me.