Oh Beautiful.. LaGuardia

​I am a dirty girl, and not just because of my mind and mouth and unwashed hair. 

We woke up  at dawn today to the plaintive wail of dogs,  mangy mongrels that were probably kenneled in filthy cages last time, and screamed, “ it’s still better than this dump.. confine us to a  cramped kennel, please!”

I did not take a shower and I barely washed my hands.  

Reviews of that very conveniently located hotel warn the curious on social media to “ beware the random semen stains.”

Thus explaining why  we didn’t bathe today.. that shower head was most likely filled with sewage and bodily fluids or a deadly combo. 

And that tiny bit of the Dunkin croissant I sampled last night showed me just how deeply Montezuma’s revenge..er..  runs, but I shouldn’t make jokes, because I’m in the air now, Chicago bound, squeezed between two strangers near the very back of the aircraft, and if I keep up with this petty complaining, I’m afraid we’re going to be rerouted toward Mexico City and more  vengeance from Mr. Montezuma.

United Airlines still hasn’t given us any explanation about last night’s fiasco and abrupt cancellation.

A luggage porter said it had something to do with “ radar” but I think we were being jerked off.

Or Gary Burghoff-ed around because of that aforementioned Radar.

(Use Google, millennials!) 

Our moods were somewhat elevated when we saw how former Mayor Andrew Cuomo  fulfilled his campaign promises and totally revamped LaGuardia International Airport. 

It is simply gorgeous now, like a beautiful upscale mall that Club Med Sandpiper might have urged guests to visit as a paid excursion back in the day.

Cascading waterfalls, special areas for meditation and pet relief, exquisite tiling, and so many food court  options. 

If you’re planning on flying out of New York City anytime soon, choose LaGuardia.. but stay at a chain hotel, even if it’s further by Uber. 

Because trust me, you want to feel clean and safe, even if all the sleaziness inspired you to write a snarky post on Facebook like this one. 

Now let’s just see if we make our connecting flight to Columbus without incident.

Save me a brownie just in case..