We're docked, which means we have the rarity of wi-fi, which means I have to decide whether to nap, answer nature's call, go to a mandatory meeting, or blog.
You bastards lucked out...
We woke up way too early and had a nice breakfast with a couple from Indiana named Sam and Ellen, who told us we could remember their names by thinking of "salmonella" which I don't want to think about about on vacation. So I'll just remember that my friend Ellen has a son named Sam.
A river cruise, I'm beginning to see, it's better than an ocean cruise in like a thousand ways, not counting the aforementioned low water issue. Disembarkment takes five minutes..I recall from the previous excursions on ocean liners it took forty five minutes from the time you got off the bus to the time you got your sweaty body back to your stateroom. (Curiously, they don't have metal detectors checking bags when you get back on)
So I like that, and I like that there is an option for "gentle walkers"..me and the other eighty year olds who'd carry a radio with the telltale white band. We'd listen as our guide instructed us what to do with earpieces, and like Sandra Bullock's "Gravity" director, it came out sounding like "what to do with your "herpes."
So we start our relaxing bus tour of the beautiful and vibrant city of Vienna and we pass our first major landmark..yet another ferris wheel that makes the city unique. Our guide says, "you may remember a movie called "The Third Man" with Orson Welles that took place in this very location, and I nod off.
She adds: "And if you're a fan of the "Before" trilogy, it was on this very same ferris wheel that Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy kissed in "Before Sunrise" and if you don't know why I lost my shit right then and there then you're reading the wrong blog.
Jessie and Celine were here!
She told us a lot about people we should care about" Mozart and Strauss. And Sigmund Freud. I still say we need to dig up Sigmund and see what he has to say about this very blog that you folks are still crazy enough to read.
We park in the active part of town, and our bus guide, Eva, tells us the faster walkers with the blue bands would go with her, and the slow walkers in white would go with her colleague, Thomas.
Only thing is there was no Thomas.
And only a techie like Jim would notice that every word we were hearing from our guide over our radios was not coming from OUR guide.
He says, "Karen..her lips aren't moving."
I reply: "Yours don't either when you talk."
Well can you believe this? There was a whole other group of tourists, not on our ship, and they were divided into two groups..a blue and a white one.
We idiots were on the wrong channel and didn't even realize it.
We thought we were SUPPOSED to hear static until Jim saves us all in a moment that reminded me of movies where the smart person knows to cut the white wire and not the blue one.
Our guide decides since Thomas was a no show, she'd take charge of both groups and acquiesce to the snails and decide on how she was going to off Thomas later.
We're standing in front of the first monument that talked about stuff like death and plagues and Fox TV when Thomas shows up, much to the relief of all of us octogenarians.
I'm trying to pinpoint Thomas's doppelgänger and Betty suggests it's Hugh Jackman and then asks if he could sing and dance like him.
And because I'm a special kind of dork and I am in Vienna, I start singing--Strauss's Blue Danube and suddenly all the old snails are joining in. I customize the lyrics in that nerdy Karen way of mine: "The Danube is very..very..low..I wonder if our..our boat..can go..I don't mean to gripe..or to..complain..but we need a touch..a touch..of rain"
(And I promise not to do that at tonight's concert at the Vienna Opera House)
We get to the very busy square..like a thousand people show up..and Betty wants her first photo. So we take it..or Jim takes it--when I use a camera I only get pictures of my own eyeball.
... and we come full circle...
Thomas lost us..but then we lose Thomas!
The three of us..alone in a big square in Vienna. Jim is screaming out "Thomas! Thomas!" but I don't think the people of Vienna can interpret Midwestern Mumble any better than I can, because nobody helped us.
So the three of us doomed passengers are standing in front of this beautiful church when a tour guide from a total different company sees and knows Thomas and saves our souls.
Oh, before I forget, I think I saw you, Don Benn, in that crowd but it was the you of forty years ago so that can't be right.
Thomas tells us that most of the beautiful facades have scaffolding and I'm thinking he could say the same thing about the snails and their facelifts. Oh, and ten percent of all citizens of Vienna are students. And that Vienna is considered the second best place in the world to live after Melbourne.
We come back to the ship for a nice lunch with the folks who know our friends Faith and Harvey. Trust me when I tell you that crispy fried pork skin is delicious, unless someone tries to ruin it with paprika, which nobody did.
The afternoon adventure was to Schoenrun Castle, and now I see what I missed when we toured Windsor Castle last year and the bronchitis made me weary. This castle was magnificent. And please don't let Cheeto ever get hold of this blog, because it's more beautiful than Mar-a-Lago and I don't want him to get jealous and try and buy it..
We learn about the significance of pineapples in fabrics, and splendid lamps. Our guide Bebe miscounted the number of paying tourists from our bus, so I think someone snuck in through the turnstile, which meant Bebe had to walk back and buy a new ticket, cutting into our free time.
It was OK..We learned that Kennedy and Khrushchev stayed here. So did Hitler. Trump has not.
I paid attention in History Class today as best I could,,Mozart, Maria Theresa's love of carousels..but then I got all ADD again and wasn't sure if our guide said that this royal lady was always following orders or following otters.
Again..you're reading this by choice..all 16 of you...nobody's forcing you to follow my nonsense.
Hey! Blogging's done! I think I can shower before the concert.
Unless I think of something else to say
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