So exactly when did these calm, peaceful Caribbean waters turn into the Jersey Shore?
Like, after Hurricane Sandy?
I half expected to see Snooki in those enormous waves that made me tumble like a dryer sheet.
The water reached our beach chairs and I feared they'd eventually flood our ground floor room, perhaps drowning a frog or two in its furious path, which would serve those little motherfuckers right, they shouldn't be squatting here.
I am praying that the angry weather gods calm down in the next few days and give us gentler, more serene waters in which to frolic.
(I call it my "Serenity Prayer")
The day started off a little overcast, which does not matter when you're just staring into the hypnotic sea anyway.
Our German friends came back to be our beach neighbors, the Julie Delpy/Patrick Swayze lookalikes, Norika(rhymes with "Topeka" and spelled with an "N", not the "M" I've been using) and the sexy Daniel.
We started comparing cultures and language idioms once again and then struck gold:
The conversation turned to curse words.
A potpourri of porn, the universal language.
Norika asks, and not too softly, I might add, "what is a douchebag?" and I reply, "a name used to describe Texas senator Ted Cruz" but then I demonstrated (as in a charade) what the word literally means, and if you're picturing me pantomiming the use of a feminine hygiene product on a public beach, then yes, you are getting everything you need to get out of this blog.
That led to more random cussing:
"We fart in Germany!" she says, and I'm thinking, "yes, I know. I've been there and have sampled the bratwurst"
We talked about the (very real) town of Fucking, Austria, and how Germans pronounce "shit" with a long "I" and by the time the lesson concluded, we were laughing hysterically and were grateful that we weren't kicked off the beach for using profanity.
Norika actually said the "c" word, the same word Julie Delpy 's Celine used to describe Ethan Hawke's Jessie's ex-wife in the "Before" trilogy, and looked even more like the french actress then she had previously.
You can translate this into German if you're so inclined, but I said to her, "wouldn't it be funny if your daughter Lilly's first sentence was something like, "Mommy, do you remember that fucking douchebag who drew my caricature on the yummy cardboard the other day? Maybe you'll let me eat some if we ever visit them in the States, because rumor has it her motherfucking breaded chicken breasts taste exactly like it?"
We became so comfortable in each other's company with all this camaraderie that we became friends on Facebook, and I even sent a blog link, but not before apologizing if I made her sound a little bit like an exhibitionist.
I saw a flash of butt and a hint of side-boob in that neon pink bikini the other day, and that's okay.
If I changed on the beach like that I'd be under arrest, but I swear, my new German friend, I am not a peeping Tom.. I was not ogling.
Lunch was a BBQ on the beach..a real one, with luscious burgers and skirt steak(my least favorite kind of steak) and yes, of course, that fucking douchebag thing they call octopus.
And steamed clams, but no steamed glasses, because masks were not required.
Not on the BBQ menu: Frogs legs.
My cousin Lori Sanders Stoltmann read last night's blog entry about the frog, saying she would have asked for a room change or at least the chance to speak with the manager.
Easy for someone named "Lori"to say..
Jim texted me not to bother showing up for Name That Tune (all music we didn't know, played by a deejay we couldn't understand) so we headed out to the adults only Zen pool with the swim up bar.
It was too hot not to take a quick dip.
My quick dip turned into a three hour conversation with a lady in a hammock who asked if the temperature was cold, which led to swapping life stories.
Elaine is a former HS principal from Morristown NJ, now living in Boca with her husband Monty, who is obsessed with "The Phantom of the Opera."
Not the musical per se..everything and anything about the whole Phantom shebang.
But his obsession led us to finally get my "Broadway Name That Tune" fix.
Elaine thought she could name more show tunes than I could, and you know me when I get a challenge like this.
Jim played too, and even 'though we collectively sang not much better than our pet frog, Corona Two ,would, we had a BLAST humming tunes and naming the show.
It was so much fun!
Tonight: "Grease" is the word for the early show and we'll then sit down to the buffet dinner.
They'd better be serving more than that fucking douchebag octopus.
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