Traveling to DR in the age of covid

I haven't been to Newark Liberty Airport in twenty months, and as soon as I get there, my luggage--my LUGGAGE--gets body shamed.

Oh, of course they denied it, saying that even 'though Jim's bag weighed 27 pounds and mine was fifty two, they said it was fine.

If that's the case, why did I arrive here, at 5:30(two hours later than expected?) dying to unpack anything that would cool me off, and what do I find?

A totally drenched compartment with spilled shampoo, a wet toothbrush, and all those medicines in cardboard that has 

disinegrated.

And you know how I know this? 

 I had a brand new UNOPENED bottle of Woolite, that is now wrapped in some warped plastic that looks like the person wrapping it was sniffing way too much glue they used to seal it with.

I am getting way ahead of myself..

I usually like our limo drivers, chatting about all the celebs they drove in the very seat I was currently occupying, but this guy..good Lord!..he was  really LOUD at 6:32 AM, bellowing like a game show emcee about the stock market  and crap like that.

Anyway, I really thought I had considerably lightened my bag.  I got rid of about a half dozen heavy Woodloch medals, which were leftover from the summer and I neglected to store them because of my insane need to brag about my Scattergories prowess.

I did try to lighten up by not packing any of those useless portable bidets, but man, did we ever get spoiled by the toilet paper shortage of 2020.

I was totally freaking out about having to don a mask for six hours(hich turned into more like nine but I digress again) but my hairdresser Margie gave me a few that are no more cumbersome than wearing a hat--in addition to the vacation hair she gave me.

I will never fly any other airline again besides Jet Blue.  Man, they  so they love their customers.  Their tall, plus-sized customers who worried that eating all that pandemic banana bread would mean a seatbelt extender, but I did not need one, and neither did the Very Tall Guy next to Jim on there aisle and no, I don't think I ate a single slice of banana bread during these last couple of months..or ever.

Tall Guy didn't say a word to us(his significance will come later) but I thought I detected a look when Jim and I were playing FREE trivia.  We did great the first two rounds, even 'though there were a lot of questions about international flags and soccer players--stuff that Evan could have answered if he had been with us--but we were pretty bad by the third round, and you know what phrase Jim used to describe how poorly we were doing?

Hand to God, on an airplane, my husband said "I think we're going to crash and burn."

So anyway, we arrive in the DR, hot and sweaty and...well, I was going to say hungry, but curiously I was not, and all I had all day, even up til NOW, ws a small wedge of cheese and two Golfish-sized crackers.

We're entering the airport and Jim, Tall Guy, and me get pulled aside into a random room,,for a freaking COVID-test!

Now, we didn't say a word to him on the flight, but it turns out, his name is Jim, and he was heading to this exact resort--like, the only other person doing so.

II thought maybe I was targeted because of what I was wearing.  Some might call it PJ's, and I guess they've been PJ's at times when I SLEPT in them, but it's basically a light material, two piece set that makes me look like a giant tomato.

We all tested negative(this was my first Covid test, I swear) and then Tall Guy says to Jim, "I don't think I've arranged for transfers to the resort" and Jim says, "that's OK..I'm sure they'll let you ride with us."

Jim gives Tall Guy his cell phone number but doesn't take his..for all we knew, Tall Guy called an Uber, and we were just sitting in a van, thinking about our eventual kidnapping.

A Club Med Rep finds Tall Guy and brings him to the van, where the three of us enjoyed the picturesque villages peppered with livestock and poverty.  This is our fifth trip to the DR, but we were always in Punta Cana, a short trip from the airport where you see nothing but resorts.

We saw horses and cows and dangerous drivers and mothers taking their children on bikes on dangerous, curvy roads and I'm pretty sure we saw a drug lord or two.

Anyone who follows my vacation journals knows I am obnoxious on arrival day.  Hot, cranky, bored..

But the last time I travelled internationally, my name was JUST a name.

God only knows what I'm going to complain about this week, now that it's expected of me because of the moniker my parents chose.