There’s no “Karen” in Europe

So who is reading this that has also seen "White Lotus?" 

Because basically Jim turned into "Shane" today when he asked  room service for granola with yogurt and hot coffee and got Frosted Flakes and iced coffee.  Only difference is he didn't ask his Mom to join us on  this vacation(since she's been gone since 1996) and ...I'm not exactly Rachel, the Trophy Wife.

This room has the best location of any resort we've ever been to.  Literally, there are two lounge chairs on our patio that could double as beach chairs, that's how close we are.  A   hop, skip, and a jump away from the beach, pool, restaurant, entertainment center..but you know me and my buddy Sciatica, even a hop, skip, and a jump seems kind of far.

Seriously, thank you, Christine Cherry Hommel for making this dream a reality.

I called Jim "Shane" all morning, he called me "far out" but not in a radical hippie way.  I had no idea how far out I was in that gorgeous ocean, where we frolicked all day, practically.

I say to Jim, "one of my biggest fears in life is a shark" but he thought I said "one of my biggest fear in life is a shart" and..show of hands..Which is more frightening to you?  Sharking or sharting?

I'd call it a draw, even  after having no encounter with either one.

We meet a woman who looked like Julie Delpy(from my beloved "Before" trilogy )in the beach chair next to ours.  She is bottolmless, and she had the butt we all wished we had.  I try to whisper to Jim to have a look before it was too late, but he is kind of dense and didn't understand me until her heavily tatted husband did, just as she was slipping on her neon pink bikini bottoms.  Then the top came off(and quickly replaced by a bikini bra) but I wasn't going to encourage Jim to look.  This is the European way.  

(God, I've missed you Club Med!!) 

..but the woman turned out to be wonderful, as we discovered later that afternoon.  (I'll give details in a sec..some of you are still trying to picture Julie Delpy changing outside into a neon pink bikini, aren't you?)

I had already completed my aquatic exercising in the ocean, but then we decided to take an Aqua Gym class, where I was accused of cheating.  (How the hell did he KNOW when most of the action took place underwater??) but I still pretended to go through the motions, which I pretty much do with everything in life.

I then had to grab Jim around the middle and drag him to the opposite end of the pool, accidentally giving him a "handy" but I had to be a good sport and not break stride.

And then WTF happens but one of those classic charley horses of mine, the kind where if a shark swam by, you'd offer the leg  as a free meal just to stop the cramping.

A staff member sees I'm writhing in agony and asks if I'm OK, and I tell him I am not, and Jim explains that "she gets this way sometimes."

The staff member then tries to hand me a pair of star shaped novelty glasses with gold trim for a photo op--while I was in seering pain, which I did not know how to say in any language but English Moaning.

It lasted its usual ten minutes, and then I was fine, so we went to a sit down restaurant where the menu was electornically scanned but all in French.  Jim tried to use his translation app, but all that really helped us with was what the thing basically was--burgers, chicken, steak.

I asked the waiter to describe the "grilled steak"

(I wanted to know about the spices, seasonings, perhaps a marinade) but he only described the grilled steak as "grilled."

It was small but it was delicious, garnished with pico de gallo and curiously, a splash of yellow mustard on the side that looked very much like female anatomy.

Jim DID learn to bring up "my wife does not want lemon or lime wedges in her drinks" on his phone, and that's all I'll ever need to translate,  even if our next vacation is somewhere in Upper Mongolia.

We then go to the bar area for  the Movie Theme Song event, and even 'though our team was just the two of us, we did fairly well.  I was the only one who recognized Michael Jackson's song from "Free Willy" but that's because I was probably thinking about the near handy in the pool earlier.

I recognized the music from "Castaway" and was quite proud of myself.

Jim claimed he said hello to the guy from Chicago that we met last night, but said the guy answered his "hello" with a "woof!" and walked away.

I'd blame this on the guy's inability to comprehend Jim's Midwestern Mumble, but he was from Chicago, so no, he probably just felt like barking.

Anyway, we go back to our beach chairs and Julie Delpy was there with her adorable 11-month old, Lilly, who kept smiling at us and flirting with us.

Because I didn't know what else to do, I asked if it was OK to draw Lilly, even 'though I didn't have a sketchbook or colored pencils, only a single magic marker and the hard cardboard from the back of my yellow legal pad that I take blogging notes on.

It turned out really cute, but Lilly's Mom, Norika, had to yank it away from her curious little hands, aplogizing by saying "if it's made out of cardboard, Lilly will eat it" and I respond with:  "Then she better not come to my house when I try to bread boneless chicken breasts"

Lilly's Mom spoke perfect English as she described her long trip from Germany, and how Germany is handling the pandemic(not that great) and how Lilly was conceived when they took her three year old brother to Club Med Sandpiper in Florida right in the middle of the first days of lockdown.  They could not leave Florida!!  Florida..as in..Ron DeSantis!!

So they got kicked out of Club Med Sandpiper and found a hotel in Naples where their two week vacation turned into a six week one, but it resulted in Lilly, which is a very good thing.

Oh, and when I apologized for signing my name to Lilly's cardboard, her Mom had no idea what I was talking about.

My name is not a thing in Germany!

There's no crying in baseball!

There's no Karen in Europe!

She asked about the meme's origin, and I told her it started with Kate Gosselin, who is a KATE, not a Karen.

She then asked me if this is going to spread to all spoiled, privileged women with  name that starts with "K" and I thought about the Kardashians for the remainder of the day.