Stone. Cold. Masterpiece.
Is how my brilliant friend Eric Blume described this (and last year's)season finale(s) of "The White Lotus" and I don't think he'll mind that I stole the descriptive words right out of his mouth.
I'm on vacation.
I shouldn't be worrying about TV I'm missing.
I should be worrying about breathing in toxic fumes from the bug spray they use at night, or Traveler's Constipation, or blisters, or beach bags getting soaked in sudden downpours, or language barriers..you know, the stuff that makes vacations VACATIONS.
But we could not wait until we returned to see the finale, one that offered more shocks and screams than the 2016 election did.
We needed real-time viewing(thank you, HBO Max!) so we could be in the same boat..er..yacht??..as all the other fanatics.
We even cancelled the much needed maintenance visit (and evening activity) so we could shock our systems. I lied to reception, telling them to reschedule the maintenance visit because we were "tired" even 'though I knew that meant morning showers with no water. The average hay fever sufferer produces more liquid in a single sneeze than our shower's nozzle does, but I digress.
I've been following all the speculation on social media since the first episode aired, and nobody..I mean literally nobody..predicted the victim accurately.
Jim even had me (temporarily) convinced that Daphne was a sociopath who "faked horror" at seeing the corpse(Ethan's??) that she was responsible for making into a corpse.
And there was so much speculation about Tanya's return to Season Three but that was to throw us suspicious paranoids off track. Had we known Jennifer Coolidge was not signed to be in Season Three for a fact, then we would have accurately guessed what was in store for Tanya.
And let's face it..would YOU have ever returned to a "White Lotus" if YOU were Tanya, even 'though you've been a fan of the resort/franchise for years?
(Says me as I type this from Club Med, where there's no water pressure or tiles without cracks in the bathroom. Where there are no bidets or room service on the terrace. Where arrival day dinner was basically what a baby eats when they're first allowed to have solid foods)
It was bad enough what Tanya experienced second hand in Hawaii, but in Sicily, her experience was a tad more.. hands on.
She could still be Tanya..hilariously questioning the man she had just shot about his knowledge of an extra marital affair, or casually explaining to her assistant why real nephews don't sodomize their uncles outside of "Game of Thrones."
She wasn't murdered..as we were led to believe would happen. She died on her own terms ,but without her cell phone. She had to at least TRY to land in the dinghy with those heels on--the dingy!--but she would have died out there anyway, isolated and starving and unable to take the boat to shore.
I was so reminded of "Titanic" of all things. Nobody wanted the hero to die, but sometimes the heroes and heroines do exactly that. Look at all the myth-busters out there, saying that Jack could have saved himself AND Rose by sharing the floating door, even 'though it might have collapsed under their collective weights, killing them both.
Tanya did right by her fans..she "never let go" until she did.
The villain will still get his millions, of course.
(Wow..Is Greg actually inspired by Billy Zane's Cal Hockley?)
Will Greg put a bullet through his head when and if the stock market crashes again?
Jennifer Coolidge will get the Emmy again, that's a given.
I'm wondering now who will be the return guests to "The White Lotus" in Season Three?
Honeymooning Albie and Portia?
It doesn't really matter..I'll be tuning in.
For the gorgeous cinematography, the subtle nuance of every frame, the vile cast of characters, the haunting music.
Thank you, Mike White, for keeping me on the edge of our king-sized bed, watching all the big action on a tiny screen.
I might not have a working shower today, but it's totally worth it.
(Other guests may disagree if they're around me)
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