The sea blob blog

The hair clips were found.

The waterproof timer that wraps around my finger is lost for good, so I treaded water  for either six minutes today or  four hours. 

 It's anyone's guess.

They  ( the timer, anyway) are victims of the carry on, the cavern where small items go to die. They might have survived if they were put in my normal luggage with all its compartments, but that luggage does not get opened until hour one of vacation.  It's like the most important gift on Christmas morning..it stays untouched until the Big Day.

I found my hair clips and I found that weather forecasters in the Bahamas are big fat liars, because it poured today.  And my blogging notes bled all over the page, so you're either going to read about today's events or the most salacious chapter of "Ulysses."

 I can't decipher  a single word.

Amsters do not move, not for torrential down pours or treacherous waves. 

 We pay for a  beach vacation and we get a  beach vacation.

And we were the only idiots who thought this way. 

 The beach was deserted but the karaoke bar was filled with those same day drinkers who still think we're in El Salvador and are still looking for machine guns.

Jim was the only snorkeler on his trip who did not speak French, but because he's been taking some on-line lessons, he relayed to me that the instructor told him peeing in the ocean is a perfectly acceptable practice--something I've been trying to tell him the whole thirty-three years we've been married.  

They paired him with the sexy  French Simona, and of course I'm not jealous.

 Does he play "Celebrity Death Alert!" with Simona? 

 No? 

 I didn't think so.

 He took about a dozen photos with his new underwater camera of something he called sea blobs, and I told him that I'd bet a hair clip that sea blobs are exactly what they'll be serving for dinner tonight.

Actually, his Geek powers were challenged and he triumphed, figuring out how to load up spectacular videos onto the computer. 

 Videos of sea blobs.

While Jim was watching sea blobs(the nickname I'm giving Simona's bikini top) I befriended Natalie from Quebec in the pool, who apologized for her(perfectly good!) English.

I'm thinking she probably spells Natalie with an "h" in the middle and she told me she's a world traveler.  She travels alone, and she's been on cruises all over the world and she's been to every Club Med in the American Zone.

She's been to this one since late November, and she prepared me to expect the following for the duration of the trip:

1) The food will not improve, neither in variety or taste. Her English may not be perfect, but I heard enough of it when she said "just plain noodles" with "just plain tomato sauce!" Most Club Med chefs offer six to eight varieties of pastas and sauces, the kind that twist and twirl and practically do the MAC-a-rena. (See what I did there?)

Aside here:  My new friend Pam told me there WAS a hidden part to that dining maze after all, a place with a grill that grilled MEAT.

We found it for lunch, and we had steak and sauage and grilled onions and peppers, although the griller looked at me as if I were missing one hair clip too many when I wouldn't get specific about what color pepper I wanted, I wanted all four of them.  They're just PEPPERS, for God sakes..I wasn't asking to sample four different kinds of dessert from the Cheesecake Factory. 

 (Not that I WOULDN'T do that..)

Okay, back to Nat(h)alie's list:

1) The food will not improve.  She heard about some cargo being delayed in Nassau.  They're apparently laden with pesto.

2) If you choose a beautiful seaside table for lunch, (which we did) the hostess will not be joking when she asks, "do you want flies with that?"  

Because you're going to get to know a lot of flies.  

They are attracted to multi-colored grilled peppers.

3) You CAN opt for the specialty restaurant and share "small plates" with your significant other, but it's located on the far side of the resort, about a twenty minute walk.  

(The AIRPORT is only a fifteen minute walk)

4) Shampoo  and conditioner will remain in your hair for your entire stay. It cannot be rinsed, nor can the sand that clings to your body after you've been knocked over by a rogue wave.

 Nat(h)alie explained that the water pressure is awful, and that's an understatement. I've seen more pressure come out of the tube that leads to the sink you spit in at the dentist's.

Nat(h) alie said she heard there was a reason for the low pressure.."exploding toilets".

I have no idea what that could possibly mean and I don't want to know.  

All I know is that I can only think of "The Gift of the Magi" here.

The Miami hotel gave you something the texture and size of a macadamia nut to lather up with, but the shower pressure was decent.

Here..they give you real soap(well..I gave us real soap..the kind that stayed packaged and untouched in the non-carry on luggage) but no water pressure in either the sink or the actual shower.

I can't imagine there will be a single clean body to be found by departure day.

Back to Nat(h) alie's list:

5) There's no water pressure, no real variety in the nightly menu,  no calm ocean waves, no  fish to see other than sea blobs on the snorkeling  excursion, no abundant sunshine, no real nightlife, and no  people that speak your language.

Her final bullet point:

6)  You will have the BEST vacation ever!!

And she was serious!!

So..I guess???

I guess the lesson here is to scroll through this list until you get to item #6???

At least we haven't found any dead bodies floating in the water.  

I'm saving THAT high for tonight as we attempt to watch the season finale of "The White Lotus."

I wonder if they'll find any sea blobs on the corpses.