Good Thames!

And I'm back, with more to say. When we board the cruise ship on Friday, it'll take every ounce of restraint I have, when the cabin steward asks, "any questions?" for me not to answer "just one..how close is the morgue?" I'll tell him/her that it's not personal, because I'm donating MY body to science, to which he/she should reply, "doesn't science have enough problems with climate deniers?" I will NOT be Kvetchy Karen or Pit Bull Karen on this trip.  I will try to act like an enthusiastic teeny bopper, like Sally Field as Gidget although truth be told, I'm more like Sally Field as Sybil. I was afraid of tumbling into the Thames, where the water would be freezing and I'd spend the months sneezing but swearing I would do it again. OK, sometimes even I can admit I'm about as funny as a Family Circus comic strip, but I still get such joy when I think of Virginia who tried to sell me a time share in Atlantic City just weeks before it was demolished by Hurricane Sandy.  Yes Virginia, there is a reason I haven't come to this pit of a resort town in twenty years.  Yes Virginia, I know it doesn't have to be NJ--that I  can have a romantic walk with my husband along a beach in Italy but that would trigger a sciatica attack. Yes Virginia, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real."  The mattress in the hotel is just as high as Willie Nelson, the new home mattress, so this one will be called Snoop Dog.  It's like sleeping on twenty mattresses!!  And I must reiterate: If that princess was deemed prince worthy and sensitive because her sleep was disturbed by a tiny legume under 20 mattresses, then somebody really is living in a fairy tale, because that woman would be a hypochondriac and a sociopath.  The prince needs to find himself a brown eyed chubette who makes meatloaf and watches "Jeopardy!" with him, who loves the latest from Susan Jane Gilman, the type who'd fall for the hilarious rat turned coach driver in Cinderella rather than the prince. OK  Time for random thoughts: 1) I wonder if when I see the Mona Lisa, I'll attribute her crooked smile to a lasagna noodle that SHOULD HAVE BEEN BOILED?? 2) I wonder if I'll think of that gross urban slang definition and not be able to soak in the true beauty of the Eiffel Tower? 3) I wonder if it's OK to say we caught a cab that size of a Kardashia closet..nope, autocorrect won't let me use the K. Oh, and here's a random thought that proves people don't follow me:  Remember a couple of months back, when I posted the list of Broadway shows and admitted I saw all but one? I really should have seen this "popular" show many times, being the Oz freak who knows that the Horse of a Different Color was achieved with multi colored jello powder. A show where I'll finally see there is no such person as Adele Dazeem and that "Defying Gravity" is not about my brassiere. It's funny, because the dreamy guy from immigration asked if I was going to see any shows in the West End district, and he said he never heard of "Wicket".. and was it about cricket players?" Next random thought:  My catch phrase this trip(because there's always one, as regular blog followers know) is "Excuse me, but I don't understand what you're saying."  The thing is, everyone speaks English and I've been saying that line exclusively to my mumbling better half.  I need to list a few more random thoughts while I am still coherent: 1)  I am so psyched to board in Southhampton England.  I need to buy a wide brimmed hat. I need to hook up with a boorish millionaire. I need to find a starving artist who wants to paint me wearing nothing but a blue diamond. 2) I can't wait to go to Chambourg this weekend, and I hope to see vibrant puddles and splashy raincoats and technicolored umbrellas, so I'll be as inspired as Damien Chazelle, 'though with my luck the rain will stop and I'll be forced to enjoy my vacation. 3) I cannot wait 'til tonight's dinner!  The place serves one thing only..steak(and chips) with a sauce that's for all intensive purposes, crack cocaine. Supposedly, it makes vegans sell their souls for some, and laxer vegetarians sell their soles..and haddocks..and flounders.. And I know this:  I will offer, "I bet this is where the phrase "holy cow!" comes from!" and I'll blame the outburst on the fact that I haven't slept in almost a day and a half.