Patient 0 goes to a porn park

I'm not going to waste a lot of time describing lunch(because I have to get to the excursion--the reason we came to Oslo!) but sometimes you luck out when you're seated at a round table--and sometimes you don't.  Today Jim DID as he talked to intelligent Aussies about gun control and politics.  I, however, did not. I got stuck next to a living prune who was as much of a sleep inducer as a valium. He droned on and on about that bastard LBJ and his hero Goldwater, and how he came to Norway to tour the Pentecostal churches.  I was trying so hard not to fall asleep, so I forced myself to do math(a subject I always struggle with) and I tried to guess his age.  I started at 81, but then he said he visited my home town  in 1920.  He'd toss in hints: I'd up my guesses until I got to ninety-five and felt confident that was correct. So what happens next??  He tells me how much time he devotes to caring for his elderly parents!!  They gotta be in their..how would one write "140's" when auto correct is being so difficult?  Oh look, it let me write what I wanted.  OK..onto the excursion with GERD, (like the acronym for Gastrointestinal Reflux Disease) and her driver KA-nute. She pointed out the opera house ..she pointed it out a LOT..and every time she did, it came out "Oprah" and the unseen woman in the seat behind me was cracking the same corny jokes I was. Jim packed very meticulously for this trip--I think I saw thermal underwear, three sweatshirts, and a parka.  He told me that I would freeze in a lightweight jacket, and I told him I'm an overweight post menopausal woman, that I could survive in Antarctica in a bikini. Jim hates to admit he's wrong, but as soon as that hot bus started it's journey, he began to peel off layers..I predicted he'd be down to his underwear by the time we got to the Edward Munch museum, which would make everyone.."Scream"..The guide talked about Sonja Henie and all kinds of important Norwegians, and their imports of gas and fish and blah, blah blah..this blog is supposed to be about travel, not just snark. We stop at this renowned ski lift and I started one of my coughing fits,  A total beyotch barks at her husband:  "She's SICK!" and then uses him as a human shield and asks:  "ARE you sick?" and I answer "yes, with TB"  If I had said this in front of the ship's officers both me and the bitch would have had to find our own way home from Oslo.  Oh, guess who else was on this excursion?  The messhugennah who pet the suitcase in France. She called Guest Services and told us that Mary was OK.  In fact, Mary's family went to the beach on Saturday and dropped their 86 year old mom off at the bus, thinking she'd be OK.  Messhugennah helped her fill out the paper work but was not her babysitter.  She IS very good with numbers because she herself has been abandoned by excursions.  (Probably because they saw her petting a suitcase)  She recalled two of the four digits from Mary's room number..and the name Mary.  That helped. We then travel on to the Gustav Uiegland park(but the U in his last name looked like a "V") and it was filled with dogs and flat walkways and no smokers and statues Gustav carved himself..of porn.  Now, maybe it's not OFFICIALLY known as Porn Park, but you gotta trust me on this, or use google. First thing we see is a statue of a dad holding his kid up by the ankles in a pose that looked like he was going to toss him into the river below us. And then came the penises..and the child nudes..and the female nudes.  GERD the Guide told us it was making a statement about life, but I am a pervert with the emotional maturity of a three year old.  This wasn't art..this was PORN..with intertwining bodies doing gross things.  I got slightly aroused.