Clever Young Woman

I'm still a little bummed(just a "little") that "Promising Young Woman" didn't win the Academy Award for Best Picture, and that Carey Mulligan didn't win for her brilliant portrayal of Cassie Thomas, a portrayal that I loved because it...um...hit so close to home.

I relate to the character with all that wasted potential, who was used for her "brain and personality" and dismissed by misogynists.

The movie made me relive the awfulness of my 20's, when I'd go to bars with my friends in their tight skirts and 10 inch heels, and I'd be in baggy pants with ill-fitting, out-of-style sweaters and no make-up, clutching my 20 pound pocketbook for fear that someone was going to steal my Tums.

Then I'd go for it..I'd fake being drunk in order to lure stupid men back to my apartment with the sole purpose of humiliating them.

I remember once such event as 'though it happened yesterday..

Fade In:

Karen's  (AKA "ME")shared apartment, circa 1981.

Scene One. Act One.

Fade In:

We meet HIM, a devilishly handsome, sexy medical student in his 30's, huddled on the kitchen floor, weeping, begging for mercy.

HIM:  Um..I'm..I'm..OMG!!..I'm so ..so sorry!!   I just thought..I mean..this is all so new to me, I just thought...

ME:  (leering at him, clutching a copy of "The Feminine Mystique")  

You thought..what, exactly??  That I'm going to use this woman for her smarts and sass??  That I'll take all of the wit I can lay my hands on, and then..what?...Why don't you try to explain...

HIM:  What..What are you planning to do with..that..book?

(WE HEAR A THUMP OF THE BOOK ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER)  I'm..I'm truly sorry, but you..you were gathering a CROWD...

ME:  Was I??

HIM:  And..and you were making everyone ..LAUGH..and..and..and they--they  obviously LIKED you, and I--I..I knew..

ME:  You knew what?? That I was THAT kind of girl?  The kind you'd WANT to introduce to your parents?  To be your plus-one for your cousin Harriet's wedding??

HIM:  It wasn't my fault!!  My friends..they were..they were drunk and egging me on!..They said, "look at that chubby brunette and her Diet Coke..She looks..she looks..CLEVER!  It wasn't my fault!  They MADE me go over to you!"

ME:  (tsk tsk)  Wasn't your fault.. What else??  You wanted to be in the friend zone with me?  Were you about to tell me about the good relationship you just got out of??  To tell me, "look..it's not you..it's me?  Or..Oh..I know!  Were you about to say, "hey, if you just lost about ten pounds.."

HIM:  (LOUDLY SOBBING)  I wanted to take you to the MOVIES! The theater!  I wanted to discuss Quentin Tarantino's hidden messages with you..literary classics.. and politics!    And you..(HE SCREAMS AT THE SOUND OF ANOTHER THUMP) You led me on with that minimalist make-up and non-designer clothing!!  Maybe if you dressed differently..

ME:  Dressed differently..Oh I see..So I was ASKING for this??  To be treated as an equal partner??!!

HIM:  I'm begging you..stop!! You had that crowd in stitches..I--I assumed you were some sitcom writer or..

ME:  You assumed?? How dare you!!!?? I am an abused, underpaid, overworked..SECRETARY!!  It's all I ever wanted to be, thank you very much!  I put in horrible hours and can't make ends meet..I worked my unshapely  ass off getting my boss to be condescending..I made coffee!..ALL of that,  just so you can see..professional career potential??  In a coveted position??

HIM:  MY friends were making bets..

ME:  Your friends were making bets..I see..They looked at me..YOU looked at me and saw someone..sober!  And..nice! You thought:  "I'll throw her in a cab and we'll grab some laughs!  Maybe watch a Marx Brothers movie or play Scrabble while sampling three different kinds of dips??  She's the kind of girl that would offer me..home-brewed iced-tea!"

HIM:  Please...don't..hold my interest..you're making me..adore you!!

ME:  Is that what you see when you look at me??

HIM:  No..I--I don't..I know you..I don't know you..I want to..oh..I don't know!!

ME: If you think you  know me...then...  How many words do I type a minute?  Where do I pick up my bosses' dry cleaning? What's my favorite Jennifer Weiner book?

HIM:  (sobbing loudly)  You tricked me!!  You wore a Gloria Steinem t-shirt and if you didn't want me to pursue you and treat you as an equal, then why the feminist icons??  I bet you burn bras!!"

ME:  I don't WEAR bras, asshole!!  I have incriminating videos..you better tell me where your loser friend AL is having his bachelor party!! 

HIM:  Why??  What are you..(gulp) what are you going to do?

ME:  Well..maybe I'll just dress up as a NURSE!   And take his..pulse!

HIM:  You are a merciless bitch!!

ME:  ("ME" PLACES HER HAND TO HER NECK AND UNLOCKS THE LOCKET SHE'S BEEN WEARING ALL EVENING )  I'm doing this for HER  (TWO FACES ARE REVEALED IN THE HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE)

ME: (continued)  I'm doing this for Nina, the Promising Young Woman that you treated with respect and dignity.  I'm going to force you to relive that awful night where you shouted out "Jeopardy!" answers and finished a crossword puzzle together.  You are going to regret that decision--and how you treated Nina--for the rest of your sorry-assed, puny little life"

SHE THUMPS THE BOOK ONE LAST TIME AS WE FADE TO BLACK.

Next:    my unique take on  "Nomadland"