Catch Ketchikan if you can

Catch Ketchikan if you can!

But if you're going to take a selfie with a stuffed bear, make sure it's one where he doesn't look like he's stuffing you right back.

This is a lovely little town, reminiscent of Cicely, Alaska, and..okay readers..no google homework for you.

This time.

It reminded me of the fictional town in Alaska , Cicely, inhabited by all the crazies of "Northern Exposure."  I needed to see my 90's crush, Rob Morrow, but I saw a lot of hot lumberjacks that fufilled my fantasies just as well.

Think Brawny Paper Towels, except all the lumberjacks in this show looked like Patrick Swayze.

They showed off a lot of sinewy muscles..I'm betting they met on "tinder."

(See what I did there?")

Our guide, Kaitlyn, looked exactly like Mattea Roach, the upcoming "tournament of Champions" contestant on "Jeopardy!"

She weighed all of ninety seven pounds but maneuvered that bus into tight spots that only a burglar could get into.

Back to the lumberjacks.

The show was corny as hell..cracking jokes about butt cracks, but wow, these men worked their axes off.

We were divided into two teams, depending on where you sat.

We were team "Dawson's Creek", representing Canada, and the other group(from another cruise, I think) were team Sawmill representing the USA.

These hunks walked on rolling logs and shimmied up poles and carved bunnies in front of our very eyes.

The bunnies looked like they could give nightmares to small children, but hey..could you do that?

I can't even chop up onions for Taco Tuesday properly,  with sharp carving knives, these guys wielded axes like ninjas.

One lumberjack offered to  help women in the audience with their "unibrows" and I'm not sure if I have one or not, but either way, I'm waiting to get waxed when I get home..

A lumberjack asked for a volunteer from the audience and carved a portable chair right on the spot.  The little kid, Leo, looked excited but I heard his parents whispering about the impossibilty of bringing  a wooden stool onto the airplane.

Had I volunteered, we would have needed something the size of a love seat.  I'd pay for shipping costs had it come to that, in case Jim's Bear "friend" wanted second helpings. 

The audience was told to brace ourselves for the loud noises of the tools, but I've been preparing for that for almost all of the twenty something years we've lived in our home,  because my neighbor LIVES to mow his lawn, especially when we have an active pool party going on outside.

The emcee challenges us again with:  "You've never heard a sound as loud as sawing wood" and I wanted to yell back, "you never shared a bed with my husband!"

After this crazy corny show, we took a short bus ride to Saxman Village, where our guide pointed out that most people live on streets with steps..like a hundred steps..that they climb daily.

I don't think I could ever grocery shop again.

The Saxman Village was terrific, and we learned all about the customs of the native villagers, and how there seems to be a lot of cross breeding between the Eagle and Raven tribes.  There was a totem pole with Abe Lincoln and another with William Seward, who purchased Alaska from Russia.

The totem poles were very scary..every top part looked like something who desperately needed a dentist, the bottom looked like someone in the middle of a breach birth.

And..gross me out!  It was the WOMAN'S job to make the paint, and she had to suck out tree resin, and liquify it with her saliva, and then chew something  like berries for color.

Speaking of women, our bus drove by too fast to find out what "Dolly's Museum" was all about, but as soon as the guide said it wasn't suitable for a child's ears, THIS child turned to google and found out that this part of Southeast Alaska has a red light district.

Guess how much a totem pole sells for?

A thousand dollars a foot if you're a newbie, five thousand if you're experienced.

They're typically forty feet, but if I'm too lazy to google now, I'm sure as shit not going to do complicated math.

Jim asked how much they weigh, and the designer, who looked about 108 years old(a babe for this neck of the woods) replied that they weigh "heavy."

I asked if they studied carving in college, and they looked at me as 'though I was about to deliver a baby, breach style.

It really was a great excursion and a smart way to spend our last full day in Alaska before heading out to Canada.

We need naps and we're going take them, damn it!

I bet I have nice dreams about lumberjacks tossing rolls of paper towels to..to whomever wants to catch them