Not John

​Good morning readers!!

We are sailing, so  I have no idea where we are, but  I could still  pass a cognitive test because I know my name, I could ( probably) count backwards from one hundred by sevens, and I sadly know who the president is. 

We might as well be untrained astronauts on the space shuttle or clothes in the tumbler setting on a dryer. 

This is beyond rocky..it’s Rocky IV!  

But the geezers are complaining  about the rough  waters a lot less than I am,so there’s that. 

I know what a crumudgeon I sound like every time I begin a vacation blog, and just the fact that I use a word like crumudgeon speaks  volumes about me. 

We’re having a much better time than I’m leading you to believe. 

The excursions( three so far) are educational and interesting, the weather has been perfect( except today’s four hour ride on a Tilt-a-Whirl) and the food is varied and delicious and presented beautifully. 

The staff goes the extra mile and the entertainment is wonderful, from the Jimmy Buffet/ Bob Marley calypso show last night to the boat rocking show the night before. 

They even had a Woodloch-like puzzle today that we don’t have to  officially submit for hours. 

The puzzle determines if you’re a genius, which we apparently are, thanks to my Wheel of Fortune prowess and a little help from our brilliant son, DIL, and genius friend Allan.

(Thirty two puzzles where a number followed by a preposition followed by random numbers  needs deciphering .. like “ 16 “O” in a “P”.  Translates to sixteen ounces in a pound.)

My only issue with this trip is our inability to jibe with the Grey Panthers.

I read that a schedule of topics to be discussed today would be available shortly, and I’m already predicting what they’ll be:

Do You Have Iron Poor Blood?

Keeping Up With Those Boner Issues!

Get Off My Lawn!!

The issue is, because of open dining and limited seating, you have no choice but to break bread or matzoh  with your great grandparents, and because every passenger looks exactly the same, you find yourself repeating recycled conversations. 

And nobody’s lost their dentures or bowels at the table yet, so what is wrong with me??

I hate small talk in real life too, which is why I use the landline for emergencies only, but seriously, how much can you listen to a conversation  that starts off with, “I ate so many hors d’oeuvres  at cocktail hour that I think I’m only going to eat this here cotton ball and call it a day!” Or “ you said you’re from New Jersey?? I have a cousin in Montclair!” 

(That’s fifty minutes away  from us but I always  nod politely and say “the  name sounds familiar”  anyway)

Or that classic, “ does your room smell like a sewer too?”

Jim doesn’t like when I’m rude and antisocial, so he  turns into a human Chatty Cathy doll.

Just pull the ring in the back of his neck to hear any of the eight or so  recorded messages:

“Go Blue! But I only went to school in Michigan, I’m from Ohio!” 

( cue the canned laughter)

“ is this your first cruise?”

“I’m a big Elton John fan and even went to his concerts!”

“ thank you for your service!”

( that one I actually like, even if it’s just to a waiter)

“ no, not John. Jim, my name is Jim”

“ my wife is not rudely ignoring you while she’s on her phone”

“ my wife is taking rude notes about you  on her phone for her blog that she will never publish”

“ I’m a retired engineer”

“ no,not John. Jim, my name is Jim “

But you know what??

The great grandparents are all well groomed and sincere and sweet, so I oughtta be  ashamed of myself.”

Off to lunch.. let’s see if it’s gonna stay down!