Of nut houses and pineapple plantations

I can think of nothing beyond how much I need a want a home bidet, but I will try.

I have a breather before hitting the crowded beach.  I shouldn't be so beach-y--the water IS lovely.  The beach itself?  Not so much.

But today was a fun day.

Our tour guide, Donny Osmond(who tells us he's also been mistaken for Jim Carrey and Rowan Atkinson) describes the day ahead, a bus tour of the beautiful North Shore of the island, with  several stops.

Our first was called the Nut House, and I was preparing to count a lot of MAGA hats, but instead..well, let me describe the orgasmic quality of the macadamia nut a bit further down.

We were lucky enough to get Kimo again(oh God..I HATE how that sounds but it can't be helped, that's his moniker) who emceed our tour with little known facts and big belly laughs.

At first, this little wise guy told us we'd be mostly seeing K-Marts and CVS pharmacies(which would have suited me just fine due to the fact that the coach  bus had A/C) but then he told us it would be more about pineapple plantations and daredevils committing suicide off of eighty foot rocks racing ninety foot waves.

Kimo usually doesn't work on Saturdays.  (I told Jim he didn't look Hasidic  to me) but he liked our company so much that he decided to return, filled with wisdom and one-liners.

Like when someone asked him to identify a tree, he quipped:  "It's a Side of the Rhodus" as he was making his turn.

He talked about volcanos, and roosters, and why the sugar industry is no longer a thing,  but coffee, macadamia nuts, and pineapples still are. He talked about Hawaii's islands--there are 132 in total--and he drove us through the most beautiful and picturesque waves I've seen in awhile.  There were no beaches per se..just surf and surfers and sunshine.

The Nut House was actually quite interesting, and the smells were intoxicating.  There were so many varieties of macadamia nuts to sample, but I'd call what I did more of an inhalation than a sampling.  There were macadamia nuts flavored with onion and garlic, with cinnamon sugar, with caramel, with sweet coffee.  The nuts were roasted and salted and calling my name. 

The day revolved mostly around site seeing from the bus, but I loved what I was seeing.  We stopped for lunch at a place with awesome fries, and then we happened upon a place called "Scoop of Paradise" with unique flavors like Lanai Lemon and Turtle Beach and Unicorn Tears, which is what I got.  (Pink-vanilla with sprinkles and frosted flakes.  Something only a child would order)

The shop was quaint and adorable and the owner had a Philadelphian accent that was thicker than mine. He told us many East Coasters vacation in Hawaii and then return permanently and I can see why.

Our last stop was a pineapple plantation, which is another way of saying we'll see the fruit grown from the roadside but we'll be mostly stopping at a gift shop to buy things like Pineapple Whip and Pineapple toilet paper.  (Damn--I'm thinking of that bidet again)

It's a prickly fruit, and I figuratively melted when Kimo described the typical work day of the picker:  Donned in layers and layers of socks and pants and shirts and pants and heavy boots just to bend over all day picking up sharp stalks in heat that matched a sauna's..

There you go..that's my dream job.

Speaking of picking things up, we picked up some important tips for speaking the language,  like Koa, which  means "important wood" and  "ukulele"  which means "jumping flea."

I know what your thinking..wouldn't it be more important to learn how to say "where is the bathroom?" in Hawaiian?

I'm never asking that question again--not in any language.

I am no longer slightly interested in bathrooms unless there's a working bidet.

Try it and tell me you don't agree