We put the “wow” in “luau”

Okay, I'll make time for a quickie...

We had dinner tonight on a plantation.  It was elegant and classy and regal and I never felt more out of place in my life.  There was a cat roaming around the well-manicured lawn, and, believe it or not, I knew what it was this time.

There weren't many entree options--two in fact.  Jim had fish (ahi tuna) and I had ribs that were glazed in shellac, I'm thinking.

We walked a short distance to a huge arena?? Theater???, with the claim that "we put the 'wow" in luau."

Well...I'm not so sure.

The stage was smoky, the actors carried flames and since I was the closest audience member in their running path, I prepared to be scorched and torched.

It was a very odd setting--think of a dream you might have if you binged watched three or four seasons of "Survivor" while donning a couple of Oxycodones.

There was a plot to the love story, but it was as convoluted as an unaired CBS sitcom.

 I tried to follow because I knew I had to explain the photo of me hugging a greasy man, but I was preoccupied with all the confusion  on stage that it was hard to concentrate.

There were feathers and war paint and barefeet and headdresses and people playing with fire and hooting and hollering.  

There were actors who shouted and swayed and sounded like they were blowing shofars on Rosh Hashana.

Lots of grunts. Lots of squeals.

There were tiki torches and flowing scarves that got way too close to the flame.

It was described as cirque du soleil, but  I only saw an odd dream that you forget within seconds of waking up.

Plus, you know me..I kept wondering who in the audience  also had sciatica pain, and who was paranoid that they smelled like shellac, and who couldn't follow the story because they were fixated on the toilet on which Elvis took his last breath, and whether or not it had a bidet.

There were a few  VERY angry men walking around in nothing but towels, and I thought about all that money spent on basically what I had gotten for free earlier in the day, when Jim came out of the shower wondering if I had used his razor.

All in all, this was a fun night, with pleasant conversations and a busload of weary travelers singing on their way back to their hotels.

Now I can say..see you to-MAUI.

Ugh..that was so bad that I should apply for a job as a sitcom writer.

Sleep well..oh wait..most of you already are...