A punch in the gut

I'll admit my nerves are frazzled today, much more than usual. I don't even particularly feel like posting personalized lyrics, even 'though I need the exercise. 

Every time I see someone is STILL sending me videos and memes via my IM, I want to CRY.  (I should UNFRIEND them, but I don't do that)

It just makes me feel powerless, helpless, ignored..and the virus has already done that.

INSTANT MESSAGE IS FOR PERSONAL MESSAGES ONLY!!  

Please, I'm begging you, respect that.  I've seen the memes and videos you're sending  elsewhere, share them on my wall if you must.

I also can't stop thinking about images, like New Year's Eve.

I didn't do much to bring in 2020--just a simple meal and a movie(oh..how I'd CUT MY OWN BANGS or something just as drastic for THAT option again) and watching the crowds in Times Square.

Everyone made that Barbara Walters joke,  the one that goes: "this..is 2020!"

It was such a promising year..we had so much on the calendar personally, but all my friends had wonderful plans too..a trip to Italy, a transcontinental cruise to Spain, a second honeymoon in Sandals.

January's weather was not as brutal as most Januarys, but in a way, that alarmed me.  (Global warming??)

But yes, it was a good month, considering it was still January, the worst month of the year.

I had a wonderful escape weekend watching the Golden Globe awards with great friends, Jim got a clean bill of health at the urologist, the family celebrated my birthday by seeing the hilarious Andy Borowitz.

I was still doing what I always do in January, saying things like "six more months 'til July!  BBQS!  Pool parties! Even  the Woodloch  trip would come to a close in early July!

I had hope and optimism..

THIS...WAS...2020!!

And then came that awful Sunday, the day before my birthday, when Evan was lying on the floor, scanning through his phone, and let out a very audible gasp, followed by an "Oh My God!" that was filled with terror and disbelief.

He sat there, frozen, telling us "I don't know if this is true or not..but someone just said Kobe Bryant was killed in an accident!"

The day went on and we all discovered it WAS true, and it was a punch in the gut.

The nation mourned, beautiful tributes poured in, and January came to a close.

Sure, we were devastated by the wild fires in Australia..the unthinkable losses.

I also felt some deep remorse sharing a stupid meme about that "corona thing in Asia" until a friend pointed out there was absolutely nothing funny about this.

She was right, I felt guilty for sharing, but..in a way..relieved.

The same relief I felt when a case of Mad Cow disease appeared in Washington State, and I still enjoyed my steak, because..hah..it wasn't going to affect me.

And it didn't..

So March arrives, and I'm on a plane to Sandals, where we honeymooned just thirty years earlier, but in a different location.

There had been some talk about the virus..but nothing too alarming. A few airport personnel donned masks, there was more hand sanitizer at the buffets, which are always unsafe anyway...

We jokingly named the stray cat who visited our breakfast table "Corona"..thinking it was a sick..but harmless..joke.

Sure, we'd hear murmurings among  the guests.."Are they really shutting down the Louvre?" and "I hear there are a few cases in NY..not much worse than the flu!"

This was four weeks ago.

Four short weeks.

I remember telling friends last fall that I had an uneasy feeling about the date, "March 8th."  I couldn't explain why that date was popping into my head..I just sensed..something big.  Perhaps global.

And I wasn't even sure if it was something good(lotto win?) or something bad.  I just saw..that date.

I woke up on March 9th, alive and kicking, and feeling a little nervous about the breaking news..Not terribly so.  Not yet.

And within days, my world, the world I share with the entire world, completely came off of its axis.

My world is now a world that I could only picture if I allowed myself to think about what my world would look like if an enemy nation dropped a nuclear bomb.

It's a world of masks, and isolation, and random coughs from an undissolved ice cube that cause panic.  It's a world of unkempt hair and unwanted facial hair and total fear.

It's a world of not being able to watch the news and not being able to NOT watch it.

It's a world of seeing celebrities broadcast beloved shows from home, and realizing that's NOT the way I want to see an idol's house.

This is 2020.

This is not what we expected when  we watched that ball drop from Time's Square.

I am following the rules.  Doing what I can to reach out to friends and family electronically.

But..I want my world back.

I need my world back.