Blending in a quarantine

For those of you waiting for the follow up to the Dole Whip story like it's a Netflix documentary that proves Carole Baskin chopped up her husband and put him into a Cuisinart, you're in luck.

Because today's post will feature both  blenders and a need to do in a spouse. 

 (For tracking in buds that fell off of our beautiful cherry blossom tree, like they do every year) 

 That hallway isn't going to clean itself, but it better LEARN to, because I'm not doing it.

Where did we leave off yesterday?

Oh yeah, the elusive vanilla ice cream, that's where.

Two things I never understood about pure vanilla ice cream:

Why the best has black pepper in it(don't ruin my fantasy and tell me they're vanilla bean  flakes) and why the word has such a negative connotation  when used as an adjective.

"Meh..he was as hot as Ethan Hawke in the "Before Trilogy" but his personality was kinda..vanilla."

How is that an INSULT or a description of mediocrity?

Vanilla is orgasmically delicious in its purest form.

That's like insulting someone by saying "go jump in a lake" or "go f*ck yourself!"

I have done both, and the results were indescribable pleasure.

There are much better ways to insult me than calling me "vanilla."

Anyway...

One would think a foodie like me would have a Cuisinart that would be worthy of  Rachael Ray's pantry, but one would be wrong.

I'll get to that in a second...

I finally got my vanilla ice cream!

 From the take out ice cream parlor in my neighborhood that charged ten dollars for a gallon that would normally sell for like three bucks, but I didn't care..I was going home to blend up some Pineapple Dole Whip, which I have since learned does not contain an ounce of dairy in its authentic form, but I digress.

I had my vanilla, my frozen pineapple spears, and a normal sized bottle of pineapple juice that would provide the four  ounces I needed.  

I wasn't sure how to measure "two cups" of frozen pineapple chunks because A) I had pineapple SPEARS and B) how do you measure..measure a year??

 (I mean, do you cut the spears first, with something like another  spear, and THEN put them into a measuring cup?  What if you cut too little or not enough?  Won't your spears thaw and become unusable if you spend too much time trying to solve a math problem?)

I was all set..spears, juice, ice cream.

Now to find a blender...

My kitchen has a dumb waiter against the wall near the stove, but it's not exactly a dumb waiter because it's smart enough not to move. It's a vertical drawer that we never use, but I knew..or thought I knew..that this is where we kept the blender and old appliance warranties. .

Turns out I don't have a blender.

Well, there was ONE, but it had no motor and it had rusting blades.  I had a thousand separate parts from infomercial gadgets, but nothing looked like it was going to chop up pineapple spears, which were thawing.

I called in Jim for reinforcement.

I told him I had no pastry bag with a star attachment, so I'd swirl my Dole Whip concoction into what would resemble a bright yellow poop emoji by cutting a corner of a zip lock bag.

Jim points out that we had no blenders..just blender parts.

Covered in sticky, gummy matter that looked like they hadn't been cleaned in years

Which..they hadn't been. I didn't know they existed.

(Sticky parts. Random gadgets. Unidentifiable metal pieces.  Loose screws. Welcome to Karen's World of Electronics)

Jim sees something called a Magic Bullet in the debris that looked like it was last used to puree Elmers Glue.

As I watched my spears thaw into a yellow goopy mess,  Jim looked up "Magic Bullet" on line and stuff about the JFK assasination  came up.

I told him to try to find a You Tube video, which he did, and then he scrubbed the grimy Magic Bullet like Meryl Streep was scrubbed in "Silkwood."

He pulsated that sucker like a pro.  He was determined to get an antique to come back to life, and I wanted my Dole Whip, which as this point has become pineapple soup without the use of any machinery.

We were both as crazy as the bat that threw the world off its axis, but after destroying the kitchen and cleaning up for 40 minutes afterward, Jim used his engineering gifts and I got my slush.

And it was delicious.