Yes we have no vanilla

I have read, or maybe I'm just making this up, that the first solid food we are given as infants is something we will love and crave for our entire lives.

I'm sure there are adults born the same week as me that  had baby bottles filled with vodka, which explains a lot about them, but for me, it's all about the  vanilla ice cream.

Pure, unadultered, creamy, sweet vanilla, the simplest and best flavor of all.

I remember my Mom telling me she introduced me to it when I was four months old(or..if you look at me now, probably more like when I was four seconds old)

I would not eat in the heat/humidity, which would get to me starting as early as April.

  So she'd make my father drive me to my grandparents' house, about two miles way, where I'd be taken up to their air-conditioned bedroom on the second floor, where I'd finally eat a dinner of vanilla ice cream, with a side order of vanilla, and on special occasions, vanilla ice cream for dessert. 

When I learned to read and write, I needed to know why the word sounded like a rhyme with "Cinderella" but was spelled like a rhyme with "villa."

As a teen, I would take the half gallon of vanilla that was always in the family freezer and occasionally  turn it into anything my heart desired for as long as the carton lasted.  (Between me and my Mom, that would be about ten minutes after it was brought home from the store, but sometimes, I'd experiment..adding a little  brewed coffee, crushing up some shelled pistachio nuts.)

All ice cream is vanilla, let's face it.  It can show individually  by dressing up with its own personal style, but vanilla is vanilla, plain and simple.

Today, I needed vanilla ice cream like it was the only cure for Covid-19.

I saw a recipe on how to create your own Dole Pineapple Whip, the kind you go to Disneyworld for. 

 (It's the ONLY reason to go to Disneyworld)

I got some in Hawaii, just six months ago, when I had a life and was sane and I was determined to treat myself to some during this pandemic.

I knew I didn't have the proper icing bag needed to make the swirl, but I didn't care, I was going to cut a hole in the corner of a plastic  jumbo bag and make that treat.  It's something I've been craving for a week.  It's the reason I got out of bed today.

(Oh..don't judge..you don't particularly feel like getting out of bed either)

I'm sure there are healthy versions all over the internet, but this recipe called for three simple ingredients: fresh pineapple chunks that could be put in the freezer, a small amount of pineapple juice, and..vanilla ice cream.

Today Jim geared up in an outfit that made him look like Hannibal Lechter, bitching and moaning about the list.

I appreciate that he is able to do this unpleasant chore every Sunday, I do, and I know my mask would last about thirty seconds, and I'd have an asthma attack, and I'd be shot by all the other shoppers like it was Black Friday in 1996, and I got the last Tickle Me Elmo.

I have not done the family food shopping in two months. and let's just say it's not Jim's forte.  He gets stressed.  He calls anywhere from six to forty-two times when he's on the battle front.

I told him that it is not necessary to count how many onions are in a "bag of onions"..I needed more than one but less than a burlap sack's worth..no need to get rattled if there is six instead of seven.

I tried to explain that "Juice" could be found in the aisle clearly marked "Juice" but he could not find it...not the juice, not the aisle, not an employee who could make out what he way saying behind that Hannibal Lechter mask. (He needs subtitles as is with that midwestern mumbling of his, a mask amplifies the incoherence.)

He finally finds the juice aisle..and wants to purchase a 64 ounce bottle of coconut mango that will take up the entire fridge.

I am trying to be patient.  He is just..trying....

He finally decides we'll use the syrup from a can.  I have no idea if this will work or not.  I just needed to get off that phone.

Next ingredient:  Fresh pineapple chunks, to be frozen and used when ready to make the whip.

(The first reader to infer that JIM.. is "whipped" gets unfriended)

I told him on call number seven to check the section where we often buy veggie trays or fruit trays when we used to ENTERTAIN and when we had LIVES and pool parties)

He called to say on call number twelve that he could only find pineapple SPEARS, not chunks.  After praying that one would be sharp enough to stab myself with, I told him the spears would work.

Finally..finally..as he's about to pass out and I'm about to check out, he's ready for the last ingredient..the easiest to get.  A pint or a quart of vanilla ice cream, any brand.

He calls in a panic:

"They have mango...Can you make Dole Whip  from chocolate or blueberry?"

"No", I answer calmly,"keep looking.  There IS vanilla, you just have to look"

He lists thirty-one more flavors--taking him back to his youth where he got fired from a Baskin Robbins for improperly  making a milkshake.  (Don't ask)

"No..you can't use mango, or fudge ripple, or Lysol..I need FUCKING vanilla!"

If you are still with me, he did not get vanilla ice cream at Stop n Shop.

He did not get it at the drive through Welsh Farm  convenient store either.

There is no vanilla.

I will not be making Dole Pineapple Whip today or any day this week.

I am not responsible for my actions.