Past over

Jim and Evan were supposed to be packing, getting psyched for their annual baseball trip to four different stadiums, enjoying spring fever, not cabin fever.

They were supposed to be enjoying four different mid-western  cities and each other's company..now..they're just sharing a couple of rooms in this house.

I was supposed to go to a simple seder that broke the rules, asked only  the four questions, and then served a scrumptious meal. 

 (I am jonesing for that crisp, turkey skin as I write this)

I've been to unorthodox seders before(I'm using the adjective literally, not using it to refer to any branch of Judaism) and have even hosted them. 

 My "Wizard -of-Gadda" was always a hit, as people joyously sang  songs like "Somewhere Over in Egypt"while enjoying my matzah ball soup, which, if I can brag a little, is  really good because I don't care about how healthy it is, I need to see glistening slicks on top of the bowl.

I cooked happy..not necessarily healthy..

(Talk about "why is this night different that all other nights?")

When Evan was young, we'd buy those cheesy "plague kits" that had things like plastic frogs, and we did things like "seder bingo" and all that other fun stuff you do to keep the seder light and quick, so the hostess wasn't still doing dishes at 3:00 AM.

(Although who am I kidding? I usually used disposables and hired someone to clean up)

I remember my Mom being here, and singing "Dayenu!" so loudly that she woke up our  long gone ancestors who fought for their lives while enslaved in Egypt.

I'd cook for two days, and Jim and Evan would bond over their sliced knuckles as they chopped apples and nuts for a treasured family Harroset recipe(that they found on-line that day)

When I got older, and more skeptical, and let's face it..bitchier...I found that I was having more and more problems with a standard Haggadah.

I did NOT want to discuss boils and lice before taking a slab of  sweet and savory brisket.

I did NOT celebrate the death of the first born sons..they were born innocent.  They did not have to die because their parents were Egyptian assholes.

It became harder and harder to cast the simple son, the wise son.

I wanted a gender-neutral seder, damn it!!

I have happy memories, I do...(Like seeing the faces on non-Jewish guests the first time they tried gefilte fish)

..or trying to fit 25-30 people in my living room that was designed to hold four people.

Or..when someone would invariably crack the same stupid joke when the second course was served with "what am I..chopped liver?"

Today. my spirit is broken.  

There will be no matzoh ball soup.

Jim is the one on the front lines every Sunday--the designated shopper as experts advise only one family member should be tackling this chore--and I was not going to send him with an additional list for  seder necessities..which would have cost an extra $200.00 and kept him in the petri dish of a supermarket for another hour.

I will have my holy moment (which, I think I'm actually having just now as I type this post and share so many memories) but I am too angry for any kind of religious experience.

May G-d forgive me